Left abusive husband. Why is he ignoring kids?

Question

I finally left abusive husband after 13 years of pain on December 16th, moved back home with mom and brought my 2 children with me ages 6 and 4. The first week I wasn't sad but now I feel a bit sad because he hasn't even called to speak to the kids.
Also I left him a message asking him to make arrangements to drop off their gifts for Christmas and he hasn't called and it's now Christmas. I'm wondering if he's going to be one of those dads who ignore their children. He's will have to pay child support. I just read his email and saw he'll be moving to his apartment on January 4th. How do i get through this? I thought I would be happier away form him and I am but also depressed. I feel that he'll have it easier than me and start a new family and forget about our children. Also I haven't filed for divorce yet due to lack of funds and emotions. How do I let him go and move on?

Answer 1

Walk away...he's playing games with you and trying to involve your children. Is this someone you really want to be a role model for your kids? Walk away walk away walk away and start over. It' OK to live life for yourself, on your own terms.

Answer 2

excuse me, but what do you mean "easier than you?" That is abusive in itself. Its called passive aggressive. But to answer your question, he could be going through an emotional turmoil of his own. That should not be your concern. You should focus on you, getting yourself together, if it means going back to school and getting a trade or something to support yourself and your children, then so be it. Stop focusing on what you husband is doing, it is not going to help you in any way. You made the decision to leave, stop looking back before you end up as Lott's wife in the bible. (you should remember her, she looked back when God destroyed Sodom and Gommorah, which resulted in her being turned to a pile of salt.) Dont make the same mistake, you did the right thing getting out of that relationship, well continue on your path. He may not have answered your message for various reasons, however the obvious one is that when you left your message, you lied by not admitting that you actually miss him, ( be honest, you dont care about the Christmas gifts, the children will get over it. (adults make the bigger deal about Christmas, therefore the children do.) You really called because you where actually wondering if he was having an emotional breakdown like you are. Remember, you have to come to grips of what kind of person that you are, and admit that the only person that you can control is you. Child support is just that, for the children. It isnt your compensation for being with him. He was with you for thirteen years as well. If you think that he will have it easy then request joint custody. That should even things out a bit. This way one person doesnt have total possession of something that you both have created.

Answer 3

abusive partners only seem to be able to get on in life by bullying others to do what they want and when that person fights back,,as you have done,,they have nothing left to take,,the threats havent worked,the fights havent worked,the hitting hasnt worked and the chances of an abuser suddenly seeing what they have done and how they have treated people is wrong is very slim without help of some sort,,responsibility has to be taken for the breakdown of the marriage and it doesnt sound like your husband wants to take any responsibility,,,,,,,he isnt going to call and tell you how bad he feels and mean it,,he isnt going to call and say he has changed because you have heard it all before so what now,,,,what can he do,,,,,nothing basically,,he will probably consider all this your choice,,something YOU have caused,,,him being away from his family,,YOUR fault,,,,,your fear is caused by change,,by the wonder of where you will go from here,,anything new inspires a fear of some sorts but that doesnt mean you shouldnt do it,,you will feel bad for a while but it will get better and your mind will clear as the mornings come and you are more relaxed,,when your thoughts are not controled by walking on eggshells but it does take time,,everyday at the minute is so different and scary but different is good,change is good and you know this is for the best or you wouldnt have had the mental strength to pull it off..stick with it,,you kids are safe you are safe and your choices are yours,,,,,he may come round after a while but you have left him and this is more than likely some way of punishment for your refusing to take anymore,you cannot force someone to be a good parent but you can do, what you consider you, as a parent should do.show your children what moving on from bad times looks like and realize the worst bit is over,,you did it,,you left.

Answer 4

Change is scary, and it is hard to move on, but you left him for all the right reasons.

Look at this not as an ending, but as a begining. Now is the time to start your life. Now is the time to show your children how adults really should behave and what a non abusive family is like.

It is his loss that he is ignoring the kids. He will grow old without knowing his kids, and you will benefit from his neglect.

I divorced my crazy ex after 19 years in order to protect my adopted children. It was really hard, and I spent the last year trying to make everything right. Initally he spent lots of time with the kids, then that tapered off and now he lives out of state and has visitation 3 times a year (at his own request).

You did the right thing, hang in there, my thoughts are with you.

Answer 5

Be grateful on some level that he is out of the kids' lives. Abusers are very traumatic for children, even if they were never abused the kids directly themselves. That's because they witnessed their mother/central caretaker being abused, or at least the pain it caused her, and it effects the way they develop. If the dad stays away on his own, it saves them disappointment from the kids expecting his attentions, and then not getting it. Also realize how lucky you are that he doesn't want to continue his abuse of you through the children. Some abusers try to get custody and turn the kids against you. So believe me, you may have the best situation right now. You just need to give yourself some time to get set up again and heal.

Answer 6

Eva, You have been in a relationship where you never really made too many decisions etc etc. You need to give yourself time to find yourself again. You are in transition with yourself. It's almost like going to school for the first time and getting to know others, getting to know the school building and getting to know life. You will be ok. Little by little you will begin to manage successfully the things in your life. As for the ex and visitation, I normally suggest allowing the father to visit however because of his past behavior with them I would suggest waiting for him to petition you to court for visitation. Hopefully you have an order of protection. Hey, it's ok to feel weird right now it is normal. This too shall pass. You're 35 but that still young. Do Not think about any relationships right now. Concentrate on supporting your kids (emotionally & with encouragement). The job thing will happen. You will start a new job and meet a lot of regular people there. Before you know it, you will have a home, a job, some new friends and a better life. So give yourself time because you're gonna be alright. Good luck to you!

Answer 7

I was 25 with one child and pregnant when I left my abusive husband. Best thing I ever did sure it was hard at first but we got through it. My son is now 5 and my daughter is 7 he has never seen their father and she has not seen him since she was 1. We get no child support and are fairing good. I wont lie things are hard but we get through it together. As regards the divorce there are places that will help look for a domestic violence shelter in your area most likely they will put you in contact with someone who can help.
Don't worry about him. If he's not worried about your children they are better off. My daughter remembers all my ex-husband did to us and never wants to see him and as I said my son does not even know him(my ex's choice), they are way better off. They have probably seen or heard what went on between you two and the stable life you are giving them now is very welcoming.Trust me you will be fine and alot happier.

Answer 8

Hon, face it, he is NOT a good man, that is why you left him.
And it is much better for your children to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home. They will be better without him.

You will experience a loss, even if he was a bad husband, you have hopes , dreams and expectations that didn't work out.

You will be fine. You will be strong. Your kids need you.
Believe me if you stay with him, your kids as teenager would most likely be troubled kids. I stayed and my kids were very damaged by their dad. I wish I had left sooner.

You can do it. He will disappoint you. Don't be suprised by thins......he is a creep and abusive.......don't expect him to be any better than he has ever been.

I applaud you for leaving and keeping your kids safe.
This will be hard, but you can do it. Many of us women have done it. You are not alone.

Hang in there, be strong.

If you get too depressed get to a doctor. an experience like this can mess up your brain chemisty. Please take good care of you yoursellf

Answer 9

God Bless you sweety, there are so many guess' to the answers you seek. Do the kids know he was abusive? if not, he might think your filling them in and is ashamed to show face. Maybe he took you for granite and is in shock that ya ended it,,,never thought it could happen to him,,,,or,, he is on drugs and right now living it up til he hits bottom,,he'll wake up one day, i hope , for your children's sake. There are to many if ands and buts in this for me to comfortably give just an answer. don't get weak , stay the coarse,,,he won't change if you were abused,,once a woman beater always a woman beater. Time is the enemy and the sooner he gets support papers for the kids the quicker he'll realize this is happening. Then the ball is in his court. If you decide to reconcile, please go to a Christian marriage councilor,,most put there heart in it and not all your paycheck. You may email me with more details for more accurate feedback,,no matter what though,,you have a Happy holiday!! [e-mail]

Answer 10

I went through the same thing although was only in it for four years. It is hard but push through it. You can file for divorce for cheap or nothing if you file a fee waiver. It's hard not to want to try and fix it and use the kids as a reason to go back but be strong. If he doesn't see the kids you have to try to be the stronger, bigger parent and just be there for them, no it's not fair. Remember that you don't want your kids growing up to be in a relationship like you were in, they are the most important thing. There is no easy fix for all of this, just time, it gets easier as time goes on. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Answer 11

You need to get a support group or person to help you get through this because it sounds like you're just about ready to beg him to take you back. And if he really is abusive, you would be a horrible parent if you took your kids back to that environment. If he doesn't want to be around his kids, it is his loss. If he marries someone else and has children, that's his business. You shouldn't be basing your decisions on things like that. Just remember, if you go back, you deserve to be hit upside the head. If you finally left after 13 years. Don't go back. It's better to be alone than put your kids through that.