How do you speak a man's language ?

Question

Hubby gave me a fabulous designer dress for Christmas. Except I want to lose weight. So we agreed that I would go and exchange it for a credit voucher and buy what I like when I've lost the weight.

His family come over and in front of his family, he tells his sister she can have the dress. He asks if I'm ok with that and because I didn't want to create a scene in front of his family, I say yes.

I'm not mad about the dress. I'm mad about him not checking with me beforehand and putting me into an awkward position.

HE thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that he'll buy me another one when I want it.

His excuse is that he hasn't bought his sister anything. So the birthday and Christmas presents she gets come from the Tooth Fairy ?

How can I explain to him what I feel, in a way that he'll understand ?

Side note:
mother in law: "let your wife wear it"
sister in law: "oh, it's too expensive... where's the receipt ?" meanwhile, heading to the front door with bag in hand.

The dress wasn't going to just sit around. We had agreed to return it and get a credit note to use at a later date.

The dress doesn't even fit his sister.

I do appreciate the dress ! It's only because hubby and I agree that I need to lose some pregnancy weight - by which time the dress will be too big for me. Hence, the agreement to get a credit voucher so I can buy clothes after I'd lost the weight.

BTW, I'm the one who remembers to buy all the presents for his family. I try and buy gifts that I feel they would like, irregardless of price. In return, I get clothes without tag (castoffs ?) or plastic decorations from the $2 shop.

His sister doesn't deserve the dress. She "disowned" hubby after her father confronted her about a statement she made about him (the father) and a $20k BMW he bought her.

And I know my mother in law didn't mean what she said or else she would have nagged my sister in law about it.

It's not about the dress. I want to know how to talk to my husband in such a way that he understands what he did wrong.

Answer 1

First of all you have to use the other side of your brain. Men are right brained, women left. we don't use the emotional side very much. whe use the logical side. For him it was a logical thing to do. He hadn't got his siter a present, she liked the dress, you were going to take it back, so for him it was a no brainer. Feelings never entered into his decision. Should he have asked you, yes! But the truth is for most men if we see what we think is a solution to a problem we do it without thinking about feelings. He was probably proud of himself at the time. For him he had just fixed a problem in a logical manner. Go easy on him, but do talk to him about it. We can't help ourselves anymore than you can change the ways you as women are that drive us men nuts.

Answer 2

Let Merry Christmas pass peacefully. You must get over your disappointment first.

As expressed by some in their answers, I think he did not do anything drastically bad to upset you. You have belittled his gift by talking about returning it. Can you understand that???? Sorry to say that you are to take more of the blame in this case.

Let me tell you how your husband must have felt. " i bring her a fabulous dress and instead of understanding my love towards her she is thinking about how she will look in the dress??? WHOM IS SHE TRYING TO IMPRESS WHEN I HAVE NO OBJECTION TO HER WEARING THIS DRESS? She cannot understand a man's expression of love"......

I think you should read the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".

Can you pin point exactly what you did not like? You say it is not the dress, it is not the money. Then what is it all about? He should check with you everytime beforehand about what? Whether he can give away something which you dont want? You have to tell him what embarrassed you. Probably you are unable to pinpoint what he did wrong.

Find a quiet day and tell him that you want to speak about something which is troubling you. If he is responsive then tell him in a calm and controlled voice that you did not like what he did and ask him not to repeat it in future.

You should be able to tell him EXACTLY what you dont want him to do in future. He may say "What is the big deal? You wanted to return the dress anyway!!!" He may be confused. So be CRYSTAL clear what you want to tell him.

If he becomes defensive and starts justifyinghis behaviour, then give him a broad genuine smile, take a deep breath, cool your nerves and say, "I am not complaining about the past, let us have a better future. i hope you understand" and leave it at that. It will take a few days for him to realize his mistake and come back to you with a childish look saying, "I am sorry, it will not happen again" and you can live happily ever after.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

You are making a big huge deal out of nothing.

In the male world your husband solved a problem - you didn't want to use a perfectly good dress, and it was going to go to waste. So, he solved that problem by giving that dress to his sister, which also saved him the time and money of buying her a dress.

To a man this makes perfect sense, and I'm sure he's bewildered as to why it sent you into such a tizzy!!

He also probably thinks it's stupid of you to not use a dress that fits now, because at some hypothetical future date you might be thinner!!

To men, that's stupid and illogical and wasteful.

This isn't a feelings thing, or some underhanded way of him getting back at you (WOMEN do that kind of subtle passive agressive hostility thing to each other - guys are much more direct and open with our hostility).

He was just trying to kill two birds with one stone - get rid of a perfectly good dress that you didn't want to use for some illogical female reason, and give his sister a gift without him having to pay for it.

Again, to a guy, this is perfectly logical and sensible (I know it makes perfect sense to me)

Answer 4

Oh my god I hear you about this, not only did you and your husband discuse the return that was I'm sure a bit difficult for you(not to hurt his feelings) But the disission was made. But to offer to his sister when it was already planned to return it whats up with that? I have to say to you that there is Noooooooo speaking for listening (comprehension) of a man. OK But Get This HA HA HA HA My boyfriend of 18 years just came in and I read your question and asked for an answer. Here is an mans answer (but always a question 1st) before an answer is given "Yes she is making a bid deal because she is going to return the dress anyway. SO......... let me tell you which I know YOU know, men & women do not think AT ALL THE SAME AT MOST TIMES I think that their brains are totaly incapable of details unless it involves those things that dangle beween their legs (the older they get that is the main thought) I don't think you are making a big deal there are so many details here that I would like to comment on and questions that I have, but the situtation is A/F/U and you were put in jaw dropping position, and ther is no way out. Why did Sis need the receipt? Whats up with the tooth fairy, why did hubby not buy his sis presents. And it is awkwared fo you to have to ask hubby for $'s for the next dress you want.GET THE $'S KNOW. bUT DO YOU NOT HAVE ACCSESS MARRIAGE MONEY? I would just tell him that "I thought we agreed that I was to return the dress for store credit, it is ok for sis to have it but why did she need a receipt? Was she going to return it for cash?" If so he should just give her the cash, it is your dress. Why did you have to return it? Why not exchange it for the correct size? And Mom inlaw was cool, Sis very RUDE, Husband not thinking (which I find typical, normal for most men) and HE FORGOT A GIFT FOR HIS SISTER ON HER B-DAY & X-MAS WHAAAAAAAAT? End it ask for the money it was you gift from him and you shouldn't have to ask for him to buy you the next dress. GOOD LUCK I don't think that we will ever to speak a mans language because most of them don't know howto say " I understand but....... and explain their reasons or thoughts.
So sorry spell check is not working

Answer 5

He didn't want to let the dress sit there until you lose the weight. He would rather it get put to use as a gift and opted for the sister. It is a matter of utility. He bought it and you can't wear it right now so he wants it to be used now...give it to sister.
I understand his thinking, but agree with you that he handled it like a dumb sh*t. It is Christmas and he is dealing with a personal gift to you. Bad judgement on his part.

Answer 6

I would have accepted the dress from my husband, given him a huge kiss put the dress on and waited for his family to come by and show off to them. YOU didn't want or appreciate the gift so the PURCHASER decided to give to someone else. It's not HIM who needs to understand, it's YOU.

Answer 7

Early guy could have communicated with grunts and sign language. The language centres of the concepts progressed particularly these days with the aid of gene ASPM which controls human concepts progression. My answer whilst actual is de facto lots much less thrilling than countless the fantasies above.

Answer 8

Don't be surprised guys tend not to think about the long run.... it may have hurt to have to give your dress away but what you do is make sure you get a dress better and more expensive to teach him a lesson!.... :) .... oh and about getting upset with him don't let it get under your skin it's the little things that will drive you crazy.. it was the thought that counted...

Answer 9

I want think that he spoke before think.

It's good, now you no need go to the store to have your money back.

Let him know that he can't give away what belongs to you, ask him to buy a dress that you can use now!! or use the money for other thing that you want.

If he respect you, he is going to give your money.

Big fight for big problems

Answer 10

It is bad etiquette. Let it pass. if you make it an issue you will not enjoy Christmas. Be cheerful. Merry Christmas.