why won't he go to therapy?

Question

He was verbally and emotionally abusive. I left 6 months ago and it was the hardest thing to do and it is still hard to stay strong but I am doing it. He called to wish me a merry xmas and went on about how I gave upon us and how hurt HE is. I have always said,even before I left, that he needed anger management or therapy and he agreed but never followed through.I thought leaving would get him to go but he went for an intake session where they said he indeed wouldbenefit fromanger management but he hasnt continued. Now when he tells me I gave up I remind him that for my own safety and wellbeing I would not even consider getting back together unless he went for counselling. He wont go and doesnt see that HE is blowing it AGAIN.

Does this mean he doesnt love me enough? I dont get it.If he wanted meback so badly wouldnt he have just gone? He says he doesnt want to talk to anyone about himself. He has lethis friendships and family go to. Has isolated himselfand wont talk to anyone.

Why

Thanks for all the responses so far. It is so supportive to hear what many of you think.

I started talking to a therapist before I left him because I was very depressed and beside myself with what was going on. It has helped support me a lot.

The truth is,this relationship has really changed me.I used tobe the woman who wouldnt bother with jerks and waste my time. Very smart girl atone time.

2years ofthis mind bending relationship and I amnot the same. Don't ever think it cant happen toyou. The abuse started very slow and I NEVER wouldhave thought this man wouldbe whohe seemstobe now.

So yes I go to talk to someone and if I heardmy own story I would say allof the things I am reading to. I never thought this wouldhappen tome.

I have gotten lost somehow and am trying to getback to the girl I was. I have never known anyone like him before and words like "control" and "manipulation" were never a part ofmy thinking when it comes to realtionships.

I didnt even see the red flags.

Answer 1

STOP. He has ISSUES from his past that he is afraid to deal with. You should get counseling for yourself so that you can go on & be happy with OR without him in your life. You need to learn about what has made you choose a mate who is not what you thought he was or what you wanted. You need to open your eyes & then learn how to keep them open so that you don't make this same mistake again with another man who is unwilling to be open. When you learn how to make more informed choices in your life, then you will be happier because you won't need to convince another person to get help like a mother & child type of relationship. Learn how to choose a man & leave the boys behind you. This man is doing a great job at manipulating you & you are letting him. Why? You are NOT responsible for his life. He is separating himself from you & everyone else in an attempt to get you back, like a spoiled child who wants the candly bar in the check-out line. His silent treatment is his way of screaming. Ignore him & get yourself some counseling before he ends up putting his fist through your face! Leave him alone. Let his own family deal with the mess they have had a hand in creating! You will only be in danger if you don't back off. It's not your fault & you can't fix it! Learn to accept that & move on.

Answer 2

Without denial, I wouldn't have any life at all. Ok, how many of us want to think that we have "a problem"? If you pick up a psychology book you will see 10% here, 10% there, if you add them all up either there are a lot of VERY sick people in the world or maybe all of us could fit under a 10% curve some where. You get the ball rolling. Find a good therapist and spill all YOUR issues. Maybe it will be beneficial for you, anyway. Best case he will follow when he sees that the "water isn't too cold".

Answer 3

Well some years ago i use to verble abuse my wife witch i did not know i was doing it i never new any differnt & she suggested i go to talk to some one and i felt like i did not need to tell some stranger my problems well i did go to see someone and had 2 mettings with them i felt very out of place doing it so i stoped i new i had a problem and no one could fix it but me & me the wife split up well 8 months later i was a changed person i learned how to control my self & i learned what the word respect was it was a big change for me and i did it over 8 months but i did finally do it we got back together and every thing is great we just had our 20th anniversery... If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me any time good luck...

Answer 4

"Why?"

That's not your responsibility. As much as it might hurt, you have to get a new life and you have got to take care of yourself.

Look at your description of things. You are allowing him to get to you with his argument that you left him and gave up on the relationship. Why do you even discuss that with him about that? You ask, "Does this mean he doesn't love me enough?" But, it is not about YOU, it's about him. Stop letting him manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

This should be your mantra for the coming year:

"I CANNOT SAVE ANYONE FROM THEMSELF"

And, be careful. I'm guessing that you may be the kind of personality that takes on challenges and is attracted to men who have problems. You think you can fix them when everyone else has given up on them. This is a recipe for disaster. Avoid such attractions in the future.

You sound like a great person. Now, give yourself what you deserve: a new life.

Happy New Year!!

Answer 5

I dont have the answer to this but I do have a boyfriend that I would like to marry and were going thru a lot of similar issues I truly believe he needs a therapist and medication and he's like in denial I wish so desperatly that he would because deep down I know if he doesnt we'll never last, Its so sad, and when you asked does it mean he doesnt love you you know I dont think so at all its just the only world they know in there head and cant see or admit to what we can, if you get an answer or find out how to help them go let me know [e-mail]

Answer 6

If he really cared about the relationship he would go to therapy. His issues sound deep seeded. I would not recommend getting involved with this man again.

You've moved on. It's best to stay gone. Minimize your communication with him - don't be rude. Just be nice, but unavailable until you finally stop answering his calls and it goes away.

Love is a 2 way street. You sound like a strong minded woman. Does he love you? His version maybe.....but is it enough or will it ever be enough for you? I don't think so. He is abusive and he is not willing to change it.

Move on.

Answer 7

It's all about control. He may love you but the only way he knows how to show it is by controlling you. The therapy thing is common in men. Some men (and women) feel that it will show weakness if they go to counseling. That they can't "handle" their lives. That they need help, etc. Its not "MACHO," if you catch my drift.

For your own safety, even if he does get into anger management, I suggest staying away. The abuse isn't good for you or your relationship with him. He will always have that "control" over you.

Answer 8

Firstly, I want to congratulate you for doing what had to be done. It's not easy in the least-so good for you. I don't know him personally, but I do know that some men see accepting help from a counselor as a weakness, and you know how men can be about matters of the ego. Perhaps you could suggest going together? Just be careful about what situations you get into with him and good luck.

Answer 9

Actually, you might benefit from therapy. This guy is so clearly abusive, and is not even taking responsibility for his actions. His love, or lack of it, for you has nothing to do with his going to therapy. He does not see anything wrong with what he's done. Forget about him. Maybe in five years he'll go to therapy and beocome the perfect guy. Until then, stay far away.

Answer 10

The real question is why are YOU not in therapy?

Girl, life is entirely too short to deal with people like this. Move on and get help for your codependency. I did so myself a few years back and my life had dramatically improved.