What should I do when my wife says really mean things to me?

Question

When my wife and I get in arguements, which is quite often, she says really mean and personal things to me.
She calls me names, insults my family, my manhood etc.
I think she unconciously does it to get a rise out of me, or to bait me when she thinks that she has gone too far.

I try to ignore it, but sometimes I start shouting too.

I have tried to talk about it when we are calm, but it always just sparks a fight. Basically we have a really bad communication and I don't know what I should do.

Answer 1

When she in such a mood...calmly tell her this is not the best time to talk/discuss. Tell her you need to leave the house for a while and you will be back in 1-2 hrs time. If she can calm down when you come back...then the 2 of u can discuss. If talking to each other usually starts a fight, each of you should write down what is the problem, exchange list and give each other sometime to digest before sitting down to really discuss the issues at hand. Its so easy to blow things out of hand in a marriage, especially when one or both parties are emotional. I wish both you and your spouse patience. All the best.

Answer 2

Depth of the situation
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I have the same situation. it is tough. I have a story. Once a person went a stuck lot of nails in a clean painted wall. then the person went and removed the nails. But the walls have marks of the nails and are never clean again.

Mean words are like the nails, walls are like your heart. thus the imprint never completely goes away. You seem to have a wife who uses bad words when she is agitated. Women are supposed to be compassionate, but it is not the case with everyone. I have the same issue.

Psychological reason for the behaviour
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Basically the trouble can be defined in one word
"self-esteem". the classic problem is that your wife has low self-esteem. She basically doesn't think much about herself. You will be surprised that low self-esteem translates to lot of issues like this.

What can reduce the frequency of such occurrences
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Find a good book (self-help) book for your wife to raise her self-esteem. this might reduce her need to quarrell.



Reason
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Basically she must have had a diffcult childhood, where she was unfairly criticized. Most often than not such women, start using mean words to respond. That habit now continues. thus you are at the receiving end of a emotional abuse which she endured when she was a child.

So approach the problem in her as if she is sick, and you will see a new perspective, where everytime she gets mean, she basically is flinging back at you years of unfair criticism. So you need to be patient and approach her with kindness the way you would approach a sick patient throwing tantrums, you will see that once she recognizes that you are not criticizing her, she will stop being mean.

What has to be endured
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However the trait of her shouting mean words, is inbuilt in her it will never go away and will come back whenever she is provoked. Because they are natural reflex of her years of being emotionally abused

good luck

Answer 3

the next time she is verbally abusive, calmly and in a normal tone of voice ask Why would you say such a thing? Do not trade insult for insult. If she continues to be verbally abusive, walk away. Take a walk or a drive somewhere to give her a chance to cool off. Try discussing the situation again when you both are calm. If it again results in abuse, do the same. let her know that for your marriage to survive, you need counseling. Jehovah's Witnesses will offer free counseling based on the Bible. Just ask them when they are in your area or follow the links. The first one is a series of articles about marriage and the second is where you can get assistance. I hope it all turns out well for you.

Answer 4

i wont lie i have been where your wife is i call my husband names when he makes me angry stupiud ignorant pervert stuff generally all like that then i feel like crap when i do it but at the time when i am angry not only am i just rambling though i no it isnt right i really do think he is being stupid or ignorant in whatever it is were fighting about. yes it is wrong and yes i feel very bad when i do it. i think in all honesty to you i do it because i am so unhappy with our current lives it just releives a little of the tenson and hostility i am feeling at the time. this is a new realazation for me personally. i do not like who i have become. i am looking to change it maybe your wife is feeling some the same. it is all just so hard to talk about because when you seriously begin to have a conversation all the anger arrises and it turns into world war III if it is worth saving your marriage get counseling no other way out good luck and so sorry

Answer 5

Was it like this before you were married? I'm in the same spot, but I'm engaged, not married. When we fight things get mean, and I'm called names. I'm sure I've called names too. We are pretty close to done because of this fighting. Good luck to you! You deserve better. Maybe you aren't a good fit? but now you are married, try counseling. even if you can't afford it there is probably a neighborhood counceling place that offers deep discounts.

Answer 6

Is she under the influence of Alcohol or drugs when she says these things?? Have you tried marriage counseling?

Lack of communication is a killer! It takes two to make a marriage work and if there is no communication, you midas well hang it up! Try the counseling if you really love her and want to make it work. If not, it's time to get out and move on.

Good luck to you!

Answer 7

I have this same problem and it really will go no where if you can't talk. I'd advise you to try therapy, if you can afford it or think that your relationship is worth the effort. Other than that, try telling your feelings in an email and communicate that way. That way, you're not inturuped when she hears something she doesn't like.

Answer 8

I'd take that wife to a marriage counselor or pastor fast. She is not fighting fair. Happily married couples argue, but they don't wound each other's soul by name-calling or nastiness. A good counselor can point out to her that she is not doing your relationship any good by using those kinds of tactics. And she'll never get what she really wants that way, either.

Answer 9

Yeah, my wife says the same garbage. It's like they shut there brains off and then starts the mouth rolling. They then deny everything or that it was just slip of the tongue. The best ones are the one liners thrown in when everything is good. If I say anything then she turns it around and it means I don't love her.

My wife told me once that she thinks guys don't have feelings so it doesn't matter. Although, women do have feelings so your gotta watch what is said.

I would explain to your wife that you do have feelings and that words do break....the heart. If that doesn't work....then say what they say to us.....explain to them that they don't love you because of the nasty things she says.

Answer 10

she has built up emotions, she is finally saying what she means, even if she calms down and says she didn't mean it, that's bull, she meant it. I do things to make my husband upset just to get a rise out of him. I don't mean to get him mad, but I just don't know why people do it. You both need to cool your jets and get away from each other and collect yourself. Then you both can talk when your actually words are together