I can't understand my wife. She is so angry at me, and I honestly cannot understand it. What should I do?

Question

I have been married for about a year. My wife gets mad at me about usual stuff like leaving a mess or forgetting to do something or whatever. I can understand this. I listen, and I try not to do it again even if habits are hard to break.

But sometimes she will get mad at me about things that she just can't explain to me. They probably make perfect sense to her, but they are so wrapped up with her emotions that they just don't make any sense to me. I try to listen and validate, but eventually I just get frustrated as say, "OK, so what would you like me to do?" and this just leads to arguments or tears. For example, she will say, "You don't support me and you never will". So I ask her how I can support her better, and she can't explain. Or she'll say, "you can't make any decisions without me." So I'll explain that that is because when I make decisions, she will try to change them anyway.

We have these arguments that just go in circles and make no sense to me. What to do???????????

Answer 1

First mistake, "They probably make perfect sense to her, but they are so wrapped up with her emotions that they just don't make any sense to me. I try to listen and validate..."

If your wife has a problem, don't try to validate it. You don't have to agree or validate another person's problems with you. Just try to understand. Understanding doesn't require validation or agreement. It just helps you find out why the problem exists.

Sometimes you need to just watch. If she says you don't support her, immediately think back to the incident that just occured no matter how minute it is to you. Watching is sometimes better than trying to talk it out. Police yourself also. Since men and women generally think from different areas, sometimes we have to watch what we do instead of what we say; or how we say something instead of what we say. Also watch body language.

Another thing you can do is start breaking up your routines. Do something that you don't normally do (something you expect her to do; chores, etc.). Try to improve on the habits that piss her off without changing the core you. Be the man she fell in love with and enhance that man.

This one is going to be hard, but it works. Make decisions. Let her overrule them on occasions (try to be mutual on the percentage of the occasions). When she 'changes' them, compliment her on her recommendations on occasion. Don't do this all the time or you become a pushover, but at the same time, show her that you value her decision making and her way of thinking (you married her for some reason other than the physical, so you have to show her that).

One big thing is to make her laugh. If you can do some of this, you are off to a great start. Just remember that laughter is a good way to her heart.

Be consistent. Stay consistent, but break up the routine. Do something other than flowers. You will be amazed at how easy it is to genuinely make a woman happy. It doesn't take much for most to feel appreciated and that's all they want.

Last, problems in the day can make problems in the night...if you know what I'm saying. Nip that in the bud. Foreplay and lots of it. One time when she gets out of the shower, tell her not to dry off. Instead, you do it. Dry her off and put her lotion on her body. Later that evening just kiss her all over. Lick her body and drive her crazy. You two will start agreeing more in the day guaranteed!

Handle your business!! Be caring, understanding, supportive, but BE A MAN in the process.

Answer 2

Sally is right. You have a major communication problem and it's no wonder that you're confused.

Your wife seems extremely emotional.

Communication is a complicated little dance and used for different reasons by men and women. Men use it to impart information while women to make a connection. It's no wonder that it's so loaded with emotion and controversy.

Counseling may help in the area but a good book, used together with the right attitude may also be of help. Shop for it together. the experience may be one that will bring you together.

Also express to her your concern, your love, your wish to understand her better. Your caring shows in your question.

Women are certainly complicated little creatures, huh? Sorry. On behalf of all of us.

Have a Merry Christmas, honey. Keep pluggin. Don't give up on her. If you really want to understand her, you will. Just make sure that your needs are met too.

Answer 3

The sexiest thing you can do with a woman is to lead her. I suspect you have catered to her more than is necessary. Women respect strength. It seems you have a big heart and you love her but your heart is getting in-between unintentionally. I may be wrong but if I were a woman the question: "OK, so what would you like me to do?" would irritate me to no end. Take your God given right to be a man. Make decisions, stand by them, and don't question them. Put her under the lenses and take the time to really know her as well...look beyond what she says and look for her needs. Leading her means supporting her as well. Getting a woman is easy but keeping her loyal to you and happy for a lifetime is a different thing altogether.

Answer 4

Just let her vent, listen even though at times it may be difficult. Let her know how much you appreciate her and all she does for you, and you want to support her in what ever she wants to do. We woman can be a emotional roller coaster at times, it's nothing against guys and probably has nothing to do with you. Your just the closest person to us and just knowing you really care, will melt her heart. If this don't work. Leave for a few hours and bring back a bottle and have a few drinks while she rant and rave. Buy her a copy of any John Gray books.

Answer 5

your main anwser to the problem this is your first year of marriage. always the hardest of you beat the odds and make it to the second year your life will be so much better. i think i am where you are though i been married almost 3 years. first 6 months were ok i guess not too hard then hubby went overseas was hell then got used to it. life went back to what it was when we were dating i raised my son and lived life it was ok eventually. he came home it was alittle awkward was home 3 months and left for another year. i got so used to living life my way and doing things on my terms and things for myself and son. then he got out of the army and is home for good. the little pet peives of living with someone. espeacilly a man lol. they dont no where the kitcheon sink is and the laundry basket or washer and dryer or any of that. the scratch there butt, pick there nose, forget to brush there teeth. act like there five. so many things women have to learn to live with and adjust too causes them to be moody and emotional and qst themselves and marriage. it is all normal and will fix itself if you can tolerate once you hit the comfortable point in your marriage. she will come to expect to pick up your clothes, see you scratch yourself in public, act immature. women dont realize most men are this way until they have to live with them. the small things you do will make a huge empact. do a load of laundry wash the dishes cook dinner run her a bath and make her relax. it will all get better if you want it too promise

Answer 6

Wish I had an answer for you Bud, but one thing I could say is that she is a woman. Other than that, maybe she has anger issues that have nothing to do with you. Guide her to counciling, but be ready for a lot of thunder and lightning. Better that than neither of you really woking on your relationship. Arguing is not fun but it is communicating and sometimes any step can be considered a good step.

Answer 7

Go see a councilor. One of you is clueless and the other can't communicate. A good councilor will at least get you on the same page. There are not enough specifics to deal with, but a councilor would be able to get to the root of a problem.

Answer 8

My friend here is one point of view to solve this.

Write down all the complains (it helps!) she has. Think twice on each point how to solve and help her to feel comfortable on such situation and problems. I think you will not take more than few weeks to get such situation where you can build up confidence on her.
After months when she is in good mood tell her that I have worked out with all our problems to sort it out from my point of view, you tell me if you feel better.

I think the process to write down these things is not life long, once both of you understand each other you can sort out problem easily.

Don"t forget to love her the way she needs it.

Best of luck.

Answer 9

Your problem is that you are not communicating well. And communication is extremely important in any relationship. I would suggest that you go to counseling to learn to talk to each other so that you can understand each other better. A good counselor will teach you both how to talk to each other so that you CAN understand what her needs are, and she can understand why you don't understand her. Good luck!

Answer 10

She is upset about something that she is not telling you...for whatever reason. Ask her to talk to you about what's on her mind. If nothing comes out, tell her you (both) need to go to marriage counseling if you are going to stay married.