It was understood that he could see other people, be involved with them, but it couldn't interfere with our life together (which it wasn't for the last 3 months). I am not looking for a lecture, because this is a lifestyle choice, but things are getting too serious between him and his girlfriend. She has kids who are very attached to both him and I, and her and I are friends, but it's getting to the point where he treats us very differently - he will play with her and cuddle with her, and he lays down with her when she says she tired, things like that. I, on the other hand, go to be on my own and he'll go to bed after visiting friends or playing video games hours after I'm asleep. He will hug me only if I ask him to or he thinks he's going to get in trouble for something, but he's always hugging on her, has her sitting on his lap, etc. I was crying last night telling him how hurt I was, and he assured me things would change, but now she's being awful to him for paying attention to me.
2006-12-24 14:03:35 · 43 answers · asked by jhostman 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't want to break her kids' hearts, since they are so attached to us, but I'm sick of being second best, and it's not fair how he's being treated. She knew he was married when they got together, and it hasn't been a problem until now....
2006-12-24 14:04:33 · update #1
AGAIN - I'm not looking for a lecture, or someone to tell me I'm wrong in having this type of relationship, I'm looking for a suggestion on how to fix this without everyone getting hurt, or hurting them as little as possible.
2006-12-24 14:09:09 · update #2
Being in the lifestyle, I have seen this before!
It is called the single person syndrome, most commonly found with single males! Best advice, find a boyfreind for playtime- then maybe hubby will see what he is losing!
BTW
I see about 90% of the answers are judgmental
Nothing wrong with the lifestyle. Kicking her a** would not solve the problem because hubby would take sides
But involving a single guy too (4 is an even number)
2006-12-25 00:05:45 · answer #1 · answered by Anarchy99 7 · 2⤊ 3⤋
I don't see how your going to fix this, "without" hurting someone. Either your going to have to hurt your husband or end up hurting your friend. Or you will end up being hurt. Problem here is that you agreed to this. So the both of them will more than likely side with one another. You will end up the bad person in this situation. Your husband basically is disrespecting you as a wife and woman. I am not going to waste your time or mine with any lectures. But I'll bet you learned from this one. Another problem here, your husband has crossed boundaries that he probably won't mend. What I mean is that he can have his cake and eat it too. I mean, if you want to have an open relationship, don't get married. Marriage is commitment, this open relationship has nothing to do with commitment. You need to be strong and lay the law down on the line how you feel. He is YOUR husband not hers. He either leaves her and quits this so called lifestyle or you walk. Because if you continue with this lifestyle, it will be trouble with this woman or another. And something to think about, what about STD's or pregnancies? You can protect yourself only for so long. And what do you think that your husband may be subjecting you too as well. To be honest, her treating him awful is a good thing. Now its your turn, to tell him what you want.
2006-12-24 15:57:20 · answer #2 · answered by ncamedtech 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You must be a strong person with good self esteem to even have allowed the interaction between your husband and another woman. I could never do that myself, but you're right, it's your choice and your lifestyle, and I don't like to judge.
It sounds like you did the right thing, showing him how much it has hurt you that you are not getting the same amount/type of attention~and he has responded the way you wanted by paying more attention to you.
Why would she be upset and start treating him badly, for treating his wife better? She shouldn't be upset, she should be happy for you and your husband. What she's doing is trying to get even more attention from him-positive or negative doesn't matter, it's still attention that she is getting.
If she keeps doing this, one of two things will happen; he will either tire of her excessive needs and begin to separate from her, or he will keep trying to satiate her and in doing so neglect you~even though it may be unintentional on his part~just that it can be very draining on him.
She seems to be the squeaky wheel that get's the oil.
2006-12-24 14:24:20 · answer #3 · answered by Little Jeannie 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your in a tough spot. If he has let his play thing interfere with his primary relationship then he has broken the rules and is therefore now cheating. He must break off the relationship. Once you over step you can't back step. Yes this will hurt feelings, but that cannot be helped now. His play thing is now maneuvering herself for primary position. End it, close the marriage, and discuss what went wrong with this endeavored into Open marriage lifestyle. When you have worked through trust, jealousy, and rules ... then you can open it back up again.
I have 2 links to good articles about Open Marriage. One about models of open marriage and another on how to deal with jealousy.
2006-12-24 14:40:48 · answer #4 · answered by Poppet 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wont give you a lecture, but how can you share your husband with someone else? You married him for a reason, because you love him. When you love someone, you want them to belong to you and only you. I have never met a woman who has ever shared her men with another woman.
Marriage is a sacred thing. I can see that you are starting to understand this now. Maybe you thought that by having your husband date other woman, he will never cheat on you. Did you ever think that he may fall in love with this other woman and possibly leave you?
At this point, so far in with the other woman, may be too late to change your husband. He has gotten comfortable with having sex with this other woman. I say this because if you were to express your feelings on the situation, it may come to a point that he will go behind you back to see this woman, or any other woman he may be seeing that you may not know about. So eventhough he may agree with you at the moment to stop seeing her, he will/may be tempted to see someone else.
If he does agree to stop seeing/sleeping with this other girl, be prepared to fight for your husband. From what I have read, it doesnt look like this female would be ready to give up your husband without a fight. Agreement may be just an agreement, but when emotions get involved, the agreement may easily be forgotten. She may very well decieve your husband into divorcing you and marrying her. Thats just a possibility.
Your too scared to hurt the people that are involved, but the only one who is going to get hurt here is you. Its your choice, either hurt them and save your marriage, or be prepared to be crushed by pain. The pain of loosing your husband to another woman. You have caused the damage of the possibility of loosing him, so who's it gonna be, her feelings and her kids, or yours?
I'm pretty sure this has not turned out as you planned. Now your facing the facts and realizing that this was not a good idea. Fix it, and fix it fast! If you dont make it, learn from your mistake. Next time, your husband is your husband and only yours to keep. His kisses belong to you, hes love belongs to you, hes sexuality belongs to YOU, and YOU only. Remember that!
I hope everything works out for you. Have a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
2006-12-24 15:48:05 · answer #5 · answered by Leyanis 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
There is nothing wrong with your lifestyle choice if that is what works for everyone involved. It sounds to me like this lifestyle was something you liked in the beginning but isn't working for you now. The only problem I see is the kids. If you are not happy maybe you should sit down with both of them and have an open discussion letting everyone get the feeling out. He is your husband and if you went into this marriage knowing he was going to see others, then maybe you should go see others and see where that leads you, but be honest with the others that you see and try to keep the kids out of it..
2006-12-24 14:17:50 · answer #6 · answered by cheoli 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
No lecture intended. You opted for a very difficult arrangement. I have never heard of an open relationship that worked in the long run just because emotional entanglements occur. I would seriously re-evaluate your agreement with him. Your marriage may be ruined, and you need to think about moving on from him, her and her kids—there doesn't seem to be another man in this arrangement. Good luck.
2006-12-24 14:12:36 · answer #7 · answered by DrB 7 · 6⤊ 0⤋
The only way to save your marriage is to close it. I'm sorry that the kids are going to be hurt by removing your husband from their life, but you're going to stay "second best" if you keep the relationship open.
For what it's worth, of the several open relationships I've known of, all but one of them have fallen prey to this exact same situation - the secondary relationship eclipses the primary one, and usually it results in the divorce of the primary relationship, and one of the partners going off and hooking up with the secondary partner.
That "she's being awful to him for paying attention to" you is jealousy on her part, and I'm sorry, but that's HER problem and not YOURS.
An open relationship is supposed to add to a relationship, not detract from it. If it's detracting from it, then end it. If your husband has a problem with ending it, well, that's a good indication that his emotions for her have surpassed his emotions for you, and you shouldn't be in an open relationship with him anyway.
2006-12-24 14:19:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Remind your husband that you are his wife, and that when you both agreed to this lifestyle that there is a trust issue. That very few other woman would ever allow their husbands to be shared, and that you love him and understand that new relationship energy (NRE) is all hot right now but you are the one who will always be there. Remind him why he fell in love with you to begin with, spend time with him. Slowly he will start to pull away from her, and the kids. You Are his ROCK don't let him forget that. Good Luck.
2006-12-24 15:42:22 · answer #9 · answered by magicallybeautiful10plus 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honey....Oh my what a situation. I'm not here to lecture you, but is this what you really want? Trust me sweets i've tried the whole 'open relationship' thing and one party ALWAYS got hurt because they LOVE each other. You don't deserve to be second best, you need to tell him that. Tell him that your his WIFE and need to be FIRST. Just look at the way this 'open' relationship is hurting you...Maybe you should think if you really want it.
Well since you have an open relationship, why don't you have a boyfriend! I'm sure once you get one and have him start cuddling with you, you'll either put your husband in second place, OR just straight kick him to the curb!
2006-12-24 14:22:27 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 3⤋