Confused....am i gay? if so, what should i do?

Question

Hi, I think i might be a lesbian and i'm just really messed up in my head cos i have no one to talk to. I am 22, and havent had sex with anyone for nearly 5 yrs now. I enjoy flirting with guys, but thats about it, i got no pleasure from sexual intercourse with a man, and i think about women when i masturbate. I work in a childrens nursery, and i constantly think about some of the mums, and actually have really strong feelings towards two of them, of course i would never act on it though. I have always had crushes on older women in authority positions, eg, teachers, bosses, but don'y know if this is normal. the thought of having sex with a woman terrifies me, as does coming out to my family and friends, but i just really don't know what to do. I don't think of myself as normal (no offence) + would love to be able to settle down with a man + have children, but i can't force myself into living a lie. please help someone, my insides hurt and i can't stop crying about this stupid situation.

I have a really good relationship with my mum, she's a star, so i don't think it's that i'm lacking a female role model. My father figure wasn't great though, this may be a contributing factor? i really don't know......

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has given a serious answer here, it means alot to me that there are people out there who make the effort to comfort others when down. who said compassion was dead? so thanks again guys, i still haven't decided 100% what to do, but you've helped me alot along the way to making my decision. Merry Christmas!! xx

Answer 1

Do you have any gay/bi friends you can talk to about this?

As a straight guy I'm probably not in the best position to give advice about this, but I'm addicted to yahoo answers, and IRL people are always asking me for advice on this kinda stuff so what the hell. :)

First off, and I'm not telling you off here, please don't read it that way, it's NOT a case of normal/abnormal. In these enlightened times you'd think we'd see past that kinda conditioning, but not yet. Maybe in the next few generations. I do try to not be homophobic, but I shouldn't NEED to try. I don't make an effort not to be racist. I'm just not. I am a little homophobic too, so please don't think I'm moaning at you for it.

I'm saying it's not a case of normal/abnormal to reassure you that YOU are not abnormal. (What's normal anyway? the statistical average? I'm happy not to be normal, thanks.)

It's not abnormal to be straight, gay or bisexual. If you start getting sexually attracted to lamp-posts and jars of branston pickle, then's the time to worry. :)

You're incredibly confused just now, because you think you might be something you don't understand and/or maybe don't approve of, and that's the thing that needs to change, not your sexuality, whatever it may be.

Take this as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. Whether you turn out to be straight, gay or bisexual really doesn't matter. You can't change who you are inside, and I hope for your sake you don't try to, but just be and enjoy yourself.

There could be other reasons you didn't get pleasure from hetero intercourse in the past. Don't be so fast to put it down to being gay, but don't discount that either. You haven't had sex for 5 years, so something obviously went wrong between you and he. Perhaps the reason you're not together now, whatever that may be, is the reason you didn't enjoy it? There's more to sex than the purely physical, so perhaps you and he just weren't suited.

Someone you ARE suited to will come along, male or female, and it'll be right for you, and you'll know it.

You've kinda realised you're attracted to women, so that's one step towards dealing with this. Are you sexually attracted to guys?

Don't worry about "coming out". Don't worry about anything, other than coming to terms with who you are, being OK with yourself. Coming out to your friends and your family can, and should be completely under your control. If you're sensible, you'll be able to choose who you come out to and when.

Main thing is to stop beating yourself up about it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, or you.


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EDIT: PLEASE ignore the religious zealots saying there's something wrong with you, or the way you feel. You are what you are (it's such a cliche, but it's true) so don't change yourself for anybody.

Answer 2

I think you very likely are a lesbian. You meet the two criteria--you are not attracted to men and are attracted to women. And this seems to be persistent--not just some fashionable thing or a rebound thing from a bad experience with a man.

Forget all the Freudian stuff--that does not explain sexual orientation.

I think it is best for you to explore it very carefully. Try a gay (lesbian) bar. Or try an online thing. Do not be put off by this. The scene is not like you picture from heterosexual singles bar thing. As you know, women are much easier to talk to than men about this sort of thing. And female love is much more about emotion and feelings (and I am not saying that the sex is not good you understand)--but there is not all the push to sex--either in the progress of a relationship or in actual intimacy once in a relationship.

You need to be honest with other girls about exactly where you are with this.

It may turn out this is wrong--and you are heterosexual (or bi)--but from what you say I really kinda doubt it.

Although the idea of man and woman and children is an ideal that is put before everyone, look how frequently it never happens--even with heterosexual couples (divorce, etc.). A family is very possible in a gay relationship--and you can still have children. So that aspect of your dream does not have to disappear.

Follow your feelings. You should not rush. But neither should you just bury them as you have been.

Answer 3

well if you have no pleasure from men during intercourse and you think about women sexually, that pretty much points to the LOGO channell. I dont kno much about lesbians other than that ani defranko concert i went to, so i dont kno much, but i found in life, you gotta do what makes you happy. yea maybe your parents wouldnt dig the idea, but i think you gotta do it cause if you aint diggin the dick,then you are prob lesbian. im straight, and im very confused about gay sex, it kinda wierds me out, but i think if you got a thing for women, then thats whats gotta go down. I say experiment, have some lesbian sex u kno, and if that doesnt tickle ur fancy either, your in a pickle. experiment with what u think makes u happy and if it doesnt try something else. ur gonna be miserable if you dont figure this out soon. get your groove like stella kid trust me all your gonna get is encouragein support on the net, your not gonna find an answer to whether your gay, your gonna get support, so go try it. Merry Christmas

Answer 4

You sound like you know what you feel and there is nothing wrong with anything you've said so far. If you met me 5 years ago things might be different now but chill and get out more and meet likeminded or similar people. There's a place for every one out there.
I'm curious coz you mentioned Mum. What about Dad and what's with the authority thing?
Sometimes being attracted to authority figures is a sign of wanting to be controlled which is cool if you're into that. Keep trying to sort this out. You are brave to open your heart like this and I hope it all works out.

No Shay. you are not the Oracle. Every one is entitled to their view. You are no more important than any one else

Answer 5

Firstly - Please ignore all of the responses that tell you there is something wrong with you or you should change. Being yourself is the best thing you could ever do with your life.

I truely feel for you and your situation.

I am currently going through exactly the same...there is a girl at work that I really, really like, she is gay and thats possibly one of the reasons why I cant get her out of my mind.....

I dream about her, daydream about her, make every excuse to go and see her.....it doesnt help that she keeps complementing me either! I would love nothing more than to tell her how I feel but I am too scared!

On the down side...Im engaged and have a morgage...I cant see a way out of my relationship without really hurting alot of people but you seem to have the oportunity to live your dream......

I wish you all the happiness in the world and hope that you find what you are looking for. x x x x x

Answer 6

You do sound like you have given this troubling matter some serious thought and this amount of sometimes painful self-examination will pave your way to eventual self-acceptance!

Hang it here Girlfriend, there is absolutely no rush to hang a heavy label like gay, lesbian or even bisexual yet . . .

It is very telling that you continue to fantasized about women even though you say you claim to experience a lot of inner conflict regarding your desires.

Let yourself relax a little & find a nice gal to date (just be sure to be honest with her about your lingering ambiguity though).

Deep down you know what you want, and if you feel that you love women - you can be just as happy as anyone else, perhaps even more so . . .

As you were brave enough to have taken a good hard look into your heart and embraced whatever you found there!

Answer 7

forget what everyone else says on this subject. I felt the same way when I was 12 years old the only thing was that i could really talk to anyone to until i got in high school. I had many "boyfriends" but that was just a front so no one would think that Iwas gay. I was talked about in school to the fullest, mostly because, I wasn't like the other girls. Just because i didn't get all goo goo eyed over boys or maybe it was because I played a lot of sports they automatically thought I was gay in which case I was, but didnt know it. Anyways when I came to realizing that I was gay I was terrified just as you are so i did what most girls in my situation did I got a boyfriend I even went to as far as trying to have sex with him i couldn't. In the end of this realationship I ended up cheating on him with his ex-girlfriend. Although I knew I was gay I think the thing that gave me the courage to come out was that my friend died. A drunk driver hit him while he was waiting for the red light to change. My friend was only 17 years old. That's when i realize something; I will be damned if I'm going to live my life scared of what people think of me especially because life is to short for petty differences. So I told me dad first he said it didn't matter to him if i was gay or not. my mom however still thinks im confused but she has her own issues. my siblings said they already knew. My brother in law thought it was just a phase until he caught me and my girlfriend in my room (I thought that was very funny :-). I haven't told my family outside of my mom,dad,and siblings and two cousin because i don't feel that they need to know. However if they asked me then I would tell them the truth. The point is no matter how someone is going to react to you being gay remember that you're happiness comes first always. You can't live the life that they want for you and of course you're not normal but who has to say that this is a bad thing.

GOOD LUCK!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

if you need to talk to someone
catch me on myspace
my myspace website address is: myspace.com/bite21
send me a message.

Answer 8

hiya sweetie this is probs the only question i have answered seriously on here.......it really does seem you are confused about your sexuality and i really do sympathise....i am lesbian.....And when it came to telling my family i crapped mi self omg really bad....but like you i have a really strong relationship with mi mum and she is the first person i told....And she accepeted it because she loves me......As for what you want only you can decide that...the only thing i can suggest is .....and no i aint a perve or anything.....but why dont you maybe try a 3 sum with a man and a women then maybe you will have an idea of what you want .... if you need anymore help or advice or just need to talk..... my msn addy is [e-mail] or my email address is [e-mail]

Answer 9

Im am really sorry you are feeling like this.
i know how you feel.
it sounds like you might be a lesbian and if you are there is nothing to be ashamed of.
it is not a choice.
you should come out to your parents so you could have some sort of support system.
It is never good to hold things in and you will be surprised mow much it helps just to be able to talk about it.
i hope evrything works out for you.
please contact me if you can

Answer 10

If you get no pleasure from sex with a man and have crushes on women, you are a lesbian. It is not worth living a lie. It will only hurt your potential husband and children. Come out to your parents. Be honest with yourself. Life may be difficult for you at first, but it will get better.