my husband and i may be on the brink of separation/divorce. i think its mostly me so what can i do to change?

Question

the problems in our marriage are mostly communication. i am a very expresive and passionate person. my husband on the other hand is very laid back and doesn't see the point in hashing things out or trying to make sense of things. its hard to explain, but i know that he always thinks i am b****ing, when really i am just trying to talk about how i feel.
he also used to keep a really clean house before we were married and now he wants me to do it all. i have to leave notes to get him to do anything, and then sometimes he will ignore the notes. other times i ask him for something and he says "later" and when i ask him again, i am just a b****..... so you see, we just go in a circle..... he always thinks i am b****ing and giving attitude and i don't think i am.

how can i change my approach. do i just have to get over it to be with him? do i have to just do everything and find other people to talk to and not him? what do i do??? i really don't want to get a divorce.

Answer 1

READ THIS BOOK..
"The Proper Care and feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.. You probably are bitching, but you've gotten so used to that being how you communicate you can't see it.
You can read the book in one day!

Answer 2

If you don't stop ********, you are headed for a divorce. Your husband is laid back , that you should be proud of , most men aren't. Do you work if not why do you want him to clean the house, isn't that your job if you stay home all the time. Leaving notes is not being communicative. He may not like to do a lot of talking I don't either especially if the what we;re talking is boring, same old 1.2.3 four. You may have time to try another approach, why don't you try to stop griping all the time. Give him so Good loving and he'll talk. surprise during then the day you approach him and start making love to him , show him how much you love him , tel him and you still have a Good chance.

Answer 3

The problems you mention here are not divorce worthy. There are details left out here that could help ... but here goes ...
You may be over-focused on him, his faults, and antagonizing him. Most men I have met are not inclined to do much housework, for many different reasons. If you do not work outside the home, keeping house should be expected ... otherwise read on.
If you work outside the home or full-time like him and do not want to do all the housework; then don't. If you are so justified; then clean up after yourself and do your own laundry and so on. He may take notice after a week or so, that only his clothes are in a pile or only your side of the table is wiped clean, or that you're eating a great home cooked meal for one, while he's having cheesedogs from the microwave. When the sink fills up with his stuff; go out to eat with your friends until the situation resolves itself, no matter how hard it is to look at.
You may try to contrast this approach by being extremely sweet, caring, and loving to him. Sometimes guys will work more around the house if they are happy, feel cared for and loved; they might do little things when their wife is not looking or asking. You seem to know all the bad buttons to press to set your husband off, why not try to find the more sublime buttons that make your husband more pleasant?
Do you have any children? Kids today do not have enough responsibilities around the house. I try to get my wife to make the kids work around the house so she doesn't have to. She usually says its easier and gets done right if she does it. She doesn't have the patience to teach the children to do housework correctly, but things are getting better all the time. I make them do everything I can get out of them and do not fuss over details unless the work was done in gross neglect; they seem to want to please me, most of the time.

Answer 4

Be patient. If you really love this man and want to work things out and expressing how you feel isn't working, then maybe you need a new man. Take a step back for a second and put yourself in his shoes, are you bitching? If so, lay off a little bit and just do what he asks. Cook and clean and mabye if he sees you listening to him, he'll listen to you. If you do what he asks of you and he doesn't meet you half way, then you're not being appreciated and you need a new man in your life. My man and I are best friends. I'm blessed to have a man that I don't even have to ask to cook and clean and help me, he does it anyway. If I have a problem or something bothering me, he will drop everything to listen and take the initative to fix it. I'm so sorry your man isn't. I wish you all the best in what ever you decide to do. Pray on it.

Answer 5

It appears your major problem is one in communication. And it is a learned skill, not one that comes easily, especially if one or the other is not too verbal. With some help, -- counseling, -- you two should be able to be taught the skill of expressing your needs without rage or resentment. There is also a book you can read before you go --- both of you ought to read it.... "The Assertive Option"...it's an oldie, a classic in the field of communication-----still available in paperback, still used in psych classes and still cheap on Amazon.com..... No one has written a better one........ Can be yours by Thursday...... Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Divorce should always be the VERY LAST option on your mind. Unfortunately, your husband does't seem to be the right man from you, from what you've expressed to us readers. Force him to sit and talk with you one night, and tell him something like, "Look, I NEED to talk to you. I think that at the rate we're going, we may very soon have to separate or something, as much as I'd hate that. And the reason is that you're not cooperating with me. I don't mean to hurt you at all, and I love you, but please cooperate with me. Communicate back with me. Help me be a better wife to you, and I'll help you be a better husband to me...." etc., etc.
And, no, you do not have to get over it to be with him. It's NOT a good idea either to find other people to talk to instead of your husband since your husband should be there for you to talk. If possible, tell him you wanna seek counceling or something. It'll help a LOT, God-willing. If he refuses that, and if he refuses to communicate back with you and to be better himself, then.... I hate to say that I personally would divorce him if I were in your place.
Best of luck!

Answer 7

Marriage is a give-and-take relationship. GOD needs to be a part of any good marriage. HE instituted Marriage and HE is a part of every good thing that exists on Earth. Your husband and you need to begin reading and studying the BIBLE with a non-denominational Church Group. There should be one near your home. The next thing is to sit down with him and set some ground rules. BOTH of you need to begin communicating with one another. I DO NOT MEAN writing one another notes!! I mean face-to-face conversations using a calm monotone voice. Make this marriage good for both of you by allowing GOD to be a part of it. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
Eds

Answer 8

If he is not willing to help you out with the housework then my suggestion to you is that you do what you can and if he does not do what you ask him leave it for him to do. Must be he does not want a clean house enough to help you and if i does not bother him don't let it bother you. Remember in 5 years from now it will not matter if all the chores got done on a particular night but it will matter. Good luck

Answer 9

I wish I knew why men do this. Probably cause we let them. I would not do any of my boyfriend's chores, after a while he did them or they did not get done. Presently, he lives with someone else and he does nothing, cause she does it all and doesn't complain... yet. Then again, she is a gold digger who has 3 kids from different relationships, married twice at age 34, and doesnt work.

Answer 10

You could try a chores list. Don't hand him one, make one together. As for your need to communicate, you may have to widen your circle of friends. Marriage counseling might help you two out. Good luck.