why does it still hurt?

Question

I had sex for the first time about 2 years ago. been with my current bf for a year. we enjoy eachother and are comfortable with eachother, but sex still hurts. why? I am relaxed and do all the things your meant to i.e longer foreplay. but its like hes stretching me out. he average size, but when he enters it feel like hes tearing me. then all the way through sex it hurts and stings around the entrance. It cant be my hymen can it? that should be gone! i went to the docs a few months ago, and she did an internal exam and everything looked fine. she also did tests for clamydia and thrush incase it was that, that was makng me hurt, (i always use condoms so i know i couldnt have anything) and they came back negative. We use non latex condoms, spend time on foreplay, and even use extra lubricant. We try differnt positions but they all seem to hurt, and i dont enjoy it. The other week, he couldnt even get inside me. It was like a wall. whats going on? Its so frustrating! thanks

I AM NOT A WHORE!! i have only slept with two people, the first when i was 19. and both were/are special to me. how dare you call me a whore!

And thanks for whoever it was who gave her a thumbs down!

Answer 1

Two things no one covered:

1) Do you masturbate? You might feel more relaxed and comfortable if it was your own hand doing the stretching. Don't use a dildo or any other such rubbish. If it's tension, you are the person who can liberate yourself best and most.

2) I'm just going to blurt this out, because it's my area of specialisation in psychology, and my personal experience as well. Have you ever been raped? Is there any reason to believe you were sexually abused as a child? The reflex to tighten up, vaginally and in every way, is very typical of sexual abuse survivors.
There's also a phenomenon where the pain a woman feels is actually a MEMORY of pain, and the sex she is having is not the actual cause of the pain. I bring this up because your doc said everything was ok, because you use lubricant, because you and your partner are doing everything 'right', and especially because of the words 'It was like a wall'. There might not be any direct physical cause for the very real pain you are experiencing.
This is called a 'body memory'. Often, traumatic events get blocked from the mind, but they remain stored in the body that was traumatised. There are very few ways of finding out if that is what is going on, but I can list other 'red flags' for sexual abuse that you don't remember consciously.
*Do you clench the cheeks of your bum?
*Do you grind your teeth, possibly to the point of giving yourself headaches?
*Are you absolutely silent, or very nearly, during sex?
*Do you feel an urgent need to wash yourself, particularly after sex?
*Are you obsessive about cleaning your teeth, washing your hands, bathing in general?
*Do you have any sleep disorders? Nightmares?
*Have you ever started to hurt BEFORE your boyfriend penetrated you?
*Are you a generally tense person? Or do you find the sex triggers tension?
*Search your emotions for rage, and/or terror.

I could go on and on, but I shan't do.

I understand what you're feeling, even if you don't have the reasons I did.

Hope that didn't help, because if it did, you're a member of the club.

Answer 2

Well, you've tried most of the options that I'd suggest. Perhaps it's anxiety? Maybe you were nervous the first few times, which caused your muscles to tighten, which made sex hurt. Then you just expected it to hurt after that, your muscles tightened again, and it's just a whole vicious cycle at this point.

To help with this, try having sex without the actual intercourse. Concentrate on other things: massage, mutual masturbation, oral sex, whatever. Avoid penis/vagina intercourse for a bit, and concentrate on reteaching your body that sex equals fun, not painful uncomfortableness. Don't neglect your man, of course, but, assuming he's lovely and treats you right, he shouldn't be too upset about blowjobs and handjobs for a few weeks so that your sex life will get better. When you do finally decide to have intercourse again, don't make it too big of a deal, and spend lots of time with foreplay and use lots of lube.

If that doesn't work, then see your doctor again. Maybe she missed something, or maybe she can recommend a therapist. For heaven's sake, don't listen to anyone who talks about a small vagina. They stretch to fit a baby; penises are no problem, usually, and your doc would've noticed if you were wired weird. The person who called you a whore is barely worth commenting on, but I hope s/he didn't make you feel bad. S/he's obviously a sad, sexless moron.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about your pain, but I can sympathise with you. I have been sexually active for 20 years and sex is still painful to me alot of times. Theres nothing wrong with me, thats just how sex feels to me. I have a small southern region too, I wish I would have a baby or two to stretch it out and then I would be able to enjoy sex alot more but until that happens if it ever does, just do what feels good or the best it can to you. If hes going to fast and it burns slow down maybe even stop with him in you for a few minutes and flex your muscle around him to try and stretch out- and always use lots of lube- that is important- you can cause damage to yourself if not properly lubed, seriously. Do what feels good and comfortable to you at the speed that feels best for you, dont rush anything and always use lube. Good Luck I understand your frustration but it will probably be something youll have to learn to live with, and i'm sure were not alone.

Answer 4

In addition to lots of lube and lots of foreplay, try the woman on top position. That will allow you to control the speed, depth, and angle of penetration, so you can find what works best for you. Tell him to give you complete control and not try to thrust while you're up there. Try facing him and facing away from him.

Also try having him finger you before sex to prepare your vagina.

My boyfriend has a big penis and I am on the small size, and this is how we worked things out when we did it for the first time and it was hard for him to enter me.

Answer 5

OK; I have a few - quite embarrassing and blunt - suggestions:

- Try not to give him a full erection. As you should know, men's penises (??) are (probably generally) smaller when they're not as aroused.
- Failing that, suspend sex altogether until you can find out what's wrong with you/him. Maybe it's nothing to do with its/your size.
- If your vagina is too small or his penis is too big, possibly try surgery?
- Have you tried expanding yours as far as you can?
(Sorry, I KNOW that last one's REALLY embarrassing, but I can't think of a better way to ask :$)

I agree - try to relax. You need to hold off the sex and do foreplay - my male friend prefers it to sex, anyway.
Also, have you tried pulling down the loose skin at the very top of his penis? Apparently, if it's not pulled down, it can hurt the woman.

Answer 6

Vaginismus. Check out vaginismus.com. It is a condition and it's all explained on the webpage and they have solutions you can order that may help. Hope it will work for you. I came across it because I was having the same type of problem where it hurt too much to be pleasurable. I haven't ordered a kit yet, but I'm considering it.

Answer 7

Firstly ......well done for using condoms
Secondly who ever called you a whore deserves to be kicked out , how dare they , I will do thumbs down too. and i hope you report as abuse.

Thirdly ..take your time stress is the worst thing , i suffer psoriasis mainly in my ear and eyes and in my hair and when im reallllllly stressed well yeah life can be soo difficult even going to the loo stings like hell.
ou are discussing with the doc so you know its nothing major which is good .Be honest with your partner if it hurts he seems like he is with you and being very understanding.

Remain positive hunny.
think calm

Merry Chrismas

Answer 8

I think you should speak to your gynaecologist about your problem. Its not uncommon, I heard other women also experience pain during sex and that's a shame, sex should be something you really enjoy especially if its with someone you care about.
If you didn't experience pain with the first guy U had sex with, you may be experiencing an allergic reaction not to your boyfriend but to his sperm or the brand of condoms U are using. I am NOT a doctor, just speak to your Gyno and don't be shy describing the specifics of your problem.

Good Luck, I hope you get it resolved soon and start enjoying sex like you are meant to.

Answer 9

I believe it because your vagina is still tight (the vagina muscles). I have the same problem. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and when we have sex and no matter how arosed I am I still have the feeling that it hurts when he enters me and I believe it's because of my vagina muscles being tight. If we have sex on the regular basis my vagina muslces are loose and it doesn't hurt; however, if it's been awhile it usually hurts. I asume this is because over the period of time that we did not have sex my vagina muscles have tighten up and gone back to their original state, but when we have sex on the regular basis they're loose because of it. I have multiple pap smears and even an ultra sound (because of horrible cramps) and doctors tell me that I have a very healthy uterus as well as vagina. Good Luck.

Answer 10

You seem to be trying everything physically - could it be that before sex you get so worked up about it that you tense up, even without realising it? This can create problems down there - I know it's a cliche but try to relax and this will be better, If not definitely visit a doctor or specialist. Good luck!