Ok people, I realise now more than ever I should seek advise and need your help. Please could you advise me?

Question

I have reached 36 and have never come out of the closet in my home town, despite having relationships from the age of five. I have tried fighting with my feelings of being gay and made my life miserable by hiding it. I had a relationship with my best friend and we ended it after he called for me one day and I felt discusted with myself, telling him never to see me again. I regretted this action and still regret this now. I also punched a guy I realy fancied when he came onto me in army cadets and told him leave me alone. I tried dating girls but knew I didn't feel right with them at all and I wasnt being fair. I am filling my life with regrets because of the way I am and I am lying to my family and relatives as I don't want them dissapointed with me. Despite the chances I have had with many georgeous men, I left myself stay single and ashamed. I am lost and don't know what to do. I didn't ask to be gay, but I know its in me and I always will be. Please advise me?

Answer 1

My friend, you need to know why you are gay first before you accept yourself. Gay is not being camp, not being into women cloth, or weak - all stereotypes. I am 32 and came out at age of 24 when I read the research papers on why I am gay and why I have felt like so since I was 5 years as well. Maybe if you read this summary of the research, it will make you realise something new.

There are several theories as to why a person is gay. The most prominent I have read is a work by Simon Le Vay. He determined - through autopsy - that gay men and straight men have one single difference: the size of their hypothalamus (a gland in the middle of your brain and well known to be the source of sexual stimulation in human beings). With gay men it is small and fluffy were as in straight men, it is solid and large. He repeated this experiment with lesbian and straight women and found the reverse. Straight women had small/fluffy gland were as lesbian has large/denser gland.
So hypothalamus size wise:
Gay men = Straight women
Lesbian women = Straight men

Following years of studies, he determined that this gland is developed before birth. When he examined pregnant mothers during period of pregnancy he found that this gland gets developed during the 6th month of pregnancy. If the mother body thinks she has a daughter, she would give Oestrogen (female hormone). If she thinks she has male son, she would give Testosterone (male hormone). For some un-explained reason, the mother would give the wrong hormone. Depending on how long this hormone is given, the child may come up as Bisexual, straight acting gay guy, camp gay guy, or in extreme cases transsexual (a person who believes he is in the wrong body!).

Research into how to determine why this switch happens has been blocked. From one side, the church and religious groups would not accept it (because this would mean centuries of prosecuting gay/lesbians was a crime but more importantly it is a serious shake to their belief). From the other side, gay groups have pressured government and other organisation not to proceed in such research because this would mean there is a way to eliminate gays from existence! Hosptial scans can determine if a mother has son/daugther and a simple blood test can deterimine what hormone the mother is giving. The latest work as done by an Italian scientist two years ago who tried to determine if the mother had a genetic differences that results in this switch and managed to find some correlation in that most mothers with gay/lesbian children had actually gay/lesbian brothers and sisters!

See it is much more complicated that this but I hope I explained to you in best possible way. And if you are wandering how a bisexual man/woman hypothalamus would look, well it is medium size/denisty, they got mix of hormones and thus they would like both.

My friend, you are gay, you were born gay...whatever other people tell you that you should not be gay is not right. We were born like this, it there in the animal kingdom, and it is all the making of God. Love yourself, love your fellow men, and just do not hurt anyone. Surely this is better way of living.

Answer 2

Stop living your life for other people, it is so wrong to live a lie! You are not being true to yourself! You are feeling bad now, but the longer you leave it the worse it is going to get; especially if you get to an old age.....then you really will have deep ingrained regrets. I did not come out until I was 34, and I resent it so much, all of the wasted years. Coming out can be difficult, and you may go through a spell of not being understood; and there will be people who you may lose as friends or family. But you have got to live your life how you want and need to. To hell with what others think!!! A good rule that I live by is 'The people that matter dont mind, and the people that mind dont matter!'
A good start would be to go on to the stonewall website and ask for their help and advice. In the mean time here are the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor's song I am what I am. Take note of these words!
I am what I am
I am my own special creation,
So come take a look, give me the hook or the ovation.
Its my world that I want to have a little pride in,
My world and its not a place I have to hide in.
Life’s not worth a damn till you can say: I am what I am.

I am what I am
I don’t want praise I don’t want pity,
I bang my own drum, some think its noise I think its pretty.
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle,
Why not to see things from a different angle.
Your life is a sham till you can shout out: I am what I am.

***I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses,
I deal my own deck sometimes the ace sometimes the deuces,
Its one life and theres no return and no deposit,
One life so its time to open up your closet.
Lifes not worth a damn till you can shout out: I am what I am!!!!!

If you need an email buddy for support then drop me a line. I am a female by the way...sorry lol! Take care :o) x

Answer 3

Sorry that you're going through this, I personally haven't but have watched many people go through it also and I know it's hard. Just make sure you guys aren't fighting or acting unruly in front of your children, this can really affect them. It's great that you are trying to save your marriage, I applaud you for doing so and not just running away from it like so many seem to do nowadays. Sorry that your friends hurt you also, they apparently really aren't true friends if they can hurt you like that during such a hard time. Try hiring a sitter here and there, maybe once a week or so if you can afford it and get out and do something for yourself! Go get a manicure, go shopping, have lunch, anything to clear your head and let you really think about what you want to do with your marriage and how to make it work. Try also having nights out with your hubby. This is what my husband and I HAVE to do sometimes because we get to those points when we could strangle eachother and a date night or date day really helps us rekindle the feelings we have for eachother. You could get the sitter to watch the kiddies while you and hubby have lunch on his break at work, or after the kids are off to bed and asleep, you guys can light some candles and just curl up together with a glass of wine (or cold beer if that's your preference haha) and just enjoy eachother's presence. Look at your wedding album and remember the feelings you had that day-whenever I feel angry at my husband I look at a huge collage of photos from all the important days in our relationship from date 1 to our wedding day and I can tell you every emotion I had felt that day for my hubby and it always makes those harsh feelings go away. And like someone else said-I would talk to your Doc. about your pills, this is a tough time sweetie, maybe your pills need to be upped for now until your emotions are more under control and your life is back in order. I hope this helps though and good luck to you guys! :-)

Answer 4

I'm sorry that you have had such a hard time accepting your sexuality.
Maybe now is the time to stop looking at your homosexuality as a burden, and start celebrating it? This will be hard, and it will take time, but you can learn to love youself. Then you will be able to love others in the way that you want to.
Why are you ashamed? Why are you forcing yourself to lie to those you know?
It is a personal descision to come out of the closet, but it sounds like you are nearing the time when you want to be free of the burden of lying, and be who you are.
I hope that you can find answers to your questions, and I truely hope that you can come to terms with who you are, and be happy with yourself.
Don't regret things you have or haven't done - focus on today. Do the best you can today. Be yourself.

Answer 5

Firstly, you're not alone in how you feel and in your circumstances. Lots of gay men and women have gone through similar situations as you. Looking at it in a postive view, you already know who you are, you are gay and you know you don't want to continue with the way things are at the moment. Don't continue to live with regrets. You can't change what's gone before but you can change what happens to you from now on. It's not easy coming out to people, especially to family, but when you do, you will no longer feel like you're hiding something or being dishonest to them or yourself. Sure, some people may not respond positively at first, but experience shows that given time those people will come around. Think of yourself first and of your happiness first. Good luck and I hope things work out well for you.

Answer 6

I had my own first gay experience at about the age of 6, it was with a boy who was a year older than me. Not exactly child abuse.

Your coming out might be a great help to other people in your community.

It will be difficult, some people will turn away, some will applaud you. Coming out will definitely tell you who truly loves you and who your true friends are.

The people who are really close to you probably at least suspect you are gay.

Honesty isn't easy, but it is the only way to be able to live with yourself.

Answer 7

To tell you the truth you are running out of time. You have been wasting all this good opportunities with very handsome man because you didn't want to disapoint your relatives, but you have fail to yourself. You have been hiding what you really wanted in life because you can't deal with the "what people is going to think about me" You only going to live once and life is so short that it goes away in a quick second. Don't waste the little time you have trying to catter to folks. You need to cater yourself and feel, and touch and feel alive like you always wanted to. I tell you right now you are going to have moments that you are going to tell yourself, what I've been missing just for trying to hide who you really are in front of those ones you care the most. People is always going to talk, regardless so dont worry about it. Be who you are and enjoy your life to the max. Remember that you only live once. "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO what a ride! "

Answer 8

Well 5? Ummm, can i ask what sorta relationships? Anyways if ur gay, ur gay. Listen don't beat urself up cause u are who u are!!!

It seems u've had a hard time, so yes see a therapist. To let u know some more things about me: I've had sex with women, i've punched a guy who i really liked.

Life deals us cards, we can't just change them. We have to play those cards.

Answer 9

Start a new life. Ask forgiveness to those people whom you have faulted. I live in a small conservative city where everyone basically knows everyone and is quite difficult to open up. I was in deep depression and a loner. It was only when I went to college in another city that it gave me a new lease of life. No one knew me and therefore I could live the life I really wanted. It was like a heavy load taken off my chest. I could express myself and love anyone I wanted. I started to have friends that accepted me for who I was and not keep secrets from them. It was liberating!

Sooner of later you have to show your true feelings. If you don't, it will only lead to more depression. You have wasted 30 years of your life. Do you want to waste more? You deserve to be happy.

By the way, Merry Christmas! It is already Christmas in our country.

Answer 10

You already know the answer to your question. But if you need to hear it from someone else, here it is. You are at a fork in the road in this life of yours, as you have been for some time now. One path leads to self-denial and misery for year upon year until the end of the journey. The other path is a difficult one too. It is the path of self-acceptance, of being and expressing who you are. There will be some pain down this path too, but also much happiness, much fulfillment. What else do you need to know?