A poem, Tell mewhat you think, please!!!!!!?

Question

Dieing thrice,
Quadrice,
Qintice,
An agony of perpetual death.
Sitting here writing,
And plundering time,
Sinking in quick sand,
And burning in lime.
Futile yet docile my efforts now seem,
Working out futures,
In reem after reem.
For joy 'tis but fleeting,
And sorrow, sans weeping,
Lives on like a flame,
Still flickers, still glows.
But the passion for joy,
This drug of the sences,
A hope for some wonder,
Some fun and some life,
Keeps winning, keeps grinning,
With rapier it fences,
It fends back the pain,
And the sorrow and strife.

"that is a really deep poem are you emo???
This is good but it scares me!
Do you have an awful life?
Did you make that up!?
You probably didn't! "

Yeah, I wrote it. I'm not emo and life is great (usually). This poem is meant to say that (at least in my life) tho the bad things happn and the memories stay, and tho the good things are smaller in comparison, the good things happen often (a hug from a friend, a fun day etc.) and they make up for it and win the "battle".

I would sum it up as "life is fun but futile"

"i think you need to keep your day job "

I don't have a job, I'm 15

Answer 1

There are many good aspects to this poem, such as its rhythm. It feels frantic, which works for the theme of frantically searching for meaning. Also, it has some nice metaphorical language, such as the flame and the rapier.
However, there are some aspects that don't seem to work. The initial lines-- the words "quadrice" and "qintice" (are they real words?) draw too much attention to themselves, and pull the reader out of the poem. Also, the inconsistent rhyme is confusing. Whether it rhymes or not is up to you, but I thought it could use more consistency. (For a negative feel, you might try off-rhyme).
Also, though the metaphors are nice, they feel too chaotic. You jump from one metaphor to another without linking them. Quick sand, lime, reems of paper, a flame, this drug, and finally the rapier. Maybe decide on one or two strong metaphors throughout. Can't a rapier represent pain as well as redemption?

But overall, I think this is a good draft of a poem. From your statements, you seem sure of your theme, and sometimes that's the hardest thing to decide. I hope you don't take my criticisms too harshly. I just believe that when you post your poem on-line, you deserve more than a simple "I liked it" or "I didn't like it" response. It takes guts to ask the world about your poetry-- especially for a fifteen-year-old. Keep asking.

Answer 2

i actually liked this poem. a few things though:

if you're going to use a word like 'tis, it needs to be in context with the rest of the verbage in the poem. You're not speaking old english for the entire poem, so there's no need to use it for this one instance. All it does is distract the reader from your flow.


Maybe I didn't take the time to find it but it does not look as if you have a rhyming pattern here. most poems that rhyme are like line one rhymes with line two and 3 with four or line one with 3 and 2 with four. but you have some lines that don't rhyme with any other lines. And that's ok. I do that with ALOT with my poems. But it doesn't seem to flow right in this particular poem. You may want to try rearranging your more flexible verses to make the rhyming and non rhyming segments more evenly dispersed.

Otherwise I like it. I was writing this kind of quality stuff at 15 but i don't often see anyone else that can make that claim. Original language and not so blatent meanings that I can still make sense of- are the things I like most out of good poems. Good luck in your future as a writer.

Answer 3

Well, I'm not going to say that it's a good or bad poem. Poems are mere ways of expressing yourself and is to be understood by other readers. I don't think poetry should be intended to take the world by storm on purpose but rather by accident of expressing your feelings. Keep entertaining and you'll get better.

Answer 4

Exactly my point of view! Life is fun, but futile! Sure, everything you do in your life is kind of pointless, since you're gonna die eventually and you CAN'T care about anything when you're dead. However, life should be enjoyed while it lasts. Life is like a drug, temporary pleasure.

Answer 5

I'm sure my creative writing teacher would have some helpful advice for you on syntax, spelling and grammar, etc. but I think this poem has wonderful flow and is very thoughful. Nice job!

Answer 6

Good job. I love dark poetry! Too often we try to just write the "warm and fuzzy" stuff and forget that there is a dark side to life. Keep it up.

Answer 7

It's damn good. Almost as good as myself, (I'm your age) just don't show it to you school conselor they could send you to a shrink house.

Very good I an author give it a 8. you are gifted just bring it out of the dark. write about how popular people treat you and other people.

Answer 8

that is a really deep poem are you emo???
This is good but it scares me!
Do you have an awful life?
Did you make that up!?
You probably didn't!

Answer 9

It sounded okay. Somethings wrong, but I just can't pinpoint it. Good job, though.

Answer 10

It was really good, just work on the spelling. You did fantastic!





Krazy Libra