I married my wife a few years ago, and we now have a one-year-old daughter. I'm not sure why I married her; I think it was really that I've never broken up with anyone in my entire life, and what started out as my first regular bedfellow eventually turned into a long-term relationship and marriage.
I don't dislike her as a person, but I just don't think I've ever loved her. I've felt like I'm lying to her every time I tell her I love her or give her a kiss.
I want our child to have a terrific life, and part of that is making sure her mother is well-established. She's in college right now, and I'm supporting her while she does that and works a little. I'm thinking about telling her that I no longer want to be romantically involved with her, but in order to insure we can both take care of our kid, she and I could continue living in the same house (in different rooms) and continue to raise the child until she finishes college and gets a job.
I'll explain more in responses. So?
2006-12-23 11:06:54 · 12 answers · asked by obligatorycleverusername 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Brenda--what excuse? I'm not giving any excuses. I'm trying to save a bunch of heartbreak. I've poured myself into this marriage, doing everything I can for her, being the primary caretaker AND breadwinner in addition to studying my butt off to finish my master's degree, and acting in such a way that she actually brags to her friends and family about how I'm such a great husband.
I've been waiting for 4yrs. for love to develop where I didn't feel it. I love my child so much, but having grown up with split parents myself, I don't want that for her. Given a choice between that and having grown up in a home where the parents don't love each other and fight so much, I'm pretty sure I'd rather go with the split marriage.
I put this on here not to leave myself vulnerable to pot-shots from bitter people with axes to grind, but rather to solicit advice from people with objective viewpoints. Thanks to those of you who have provided such advice. Keep it coming.
2006-12-23 11:33:40 · update #1
I had a friend who was married for four long years very unhappily. His wife was faithful for about the first six months. He hated her and they lied to their selves for a very long time. Eventually, they stopped having sex all together (his choice and not hers) and went along with the motions. Fortunately, they had no children and divorced relatively cleanly.
I think that it is best to do it while the child is young, so they will not remember all of the drama. Hopefully, if you are lucky your wife will feel the same way and maybe you can remain friends and even stay in the situation you are in now, letting her go to college so that she can eventually support herself and get her own place. If you are REALLY lucky, you won't have a difficult custody battle... you just have to feel it out. Do whatever is best for the child.
2006-12-23 11:17:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your child is a year old. She won't understand anything that's going on, and spending time between Daddy's and Mommy's houses will just seem normal to her as she grows up, if you divorce now.
To live a lie, and do it while living in the same house, but in different rooms, seems to me to be highly dysfunctional, and your child is always going to wonder why her parents don't act like her friend's parents.
I think it's best to cut out a cancer before it spreads. Don't hurt your child. Continue to support your wife, before, during and after
the divorce, take care of your daughter, and stay on amicable terms afterwards. It won't be easy, but logically it seems to be what right for the baby, and that should be your primary concern.
I wish you luck, and a happy life with your child and ex-wife. I do hope that you both find real love in the future.
Happy Holidays!
2006-12-23 11:25:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The living arrangement thing will not work. She is already emotinally tied to you so you think she will up and want to be roommate. I think you should be hoest and tell her the truth. I think a divorce is what you are going to need to do. This is a prime example of people that do not evaluation a situation before jumping in the sake. Now their is a child that will suffer being in two homes it's a terrible thing when we as adult don't know what we want are can get it together. I understand how you feel but that just don't make it right.
2006-12-23 11:18:50 · answer #3 · answered by tellthetruth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you didn't say how long you were married? you have a 1 year old child. don't think for a minute that your child won't know you have a loveless marriage. they are extremely observant. when i married my husband, 12 years ago, it was because we had a 1 year old daughter. we have been together for 16 years total. i didn't love him when we married, but i did not want another man to raise my daughter, and it has been proven that girls reallllly need their fathers. he made sure that i finished college, and i have grown to care for him and can't imagine my life without him. talk to her, have a real conversation with her, don't give her any surprises.
2006-12-23 12:23:22 · answer #4 · answered by tracy w 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you just need to stick it out until she gets out of college because that would be a very twisted situation for the child. The wife would never go for this and you will then lose control of the situation with her being able to finish school!
2006-12-23 11:16:56 · answer #5 · answered by kd 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you stay with your wife and you make it work ! if you think you were never in love with her then tough you do what it takes to fall in love and if you cant pull that off then you pull yourself up out of this hole of evil you dug and you make this marriage work and make that woman happy make that kid happy and be a good dad.
you sir have a duty here are you a coward are you going to run home to mommy and say marriage is too hard . no you stand up
get to work make money bring in home put it in her purse and be thankfull if she gives you enough to have a pair of pants .
you insure that she wants for nothing .
you insure you have done everthing possible every day to make this the best day of her marriage and you keep doing that until you are dead you hear me . work at this marriage do it or you deserve to burn in the fires of hell for all time!
2006-12-23 11:16:09 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If your child can not see the love between her parents, what's the point. The greatest gift a man could give his children is to lover their mother.
2006-12-23 11:08:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
no you should not get a divorce! marriage is hard work, if you want your child to receive a terrific life,straighten out yourself first,then work on your marriage right away,be honest with yourself ,and most of all your wife!
2006-12-23 11:15:20 · answer #8 · answered by BOBBIE 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well, that's pretty weird. cuz i thought if you have sex, you instantly fall in love with them. so you never loved her in the first place or what? cuz that's just omg you know? well, maybe you should ask her, tell her what you feel and what you think. maybe she'll understand. just give it a try, yah?
2006-12-23 11:13:01 · answer #9 · answered by ~*IN LOVE*~ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
move on go find a new love you still can be a good dad,and your X will move on to its OK just remember your little girl comes FIRST
2006-12-23 11:14:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋