my dad is deeply upset that my mom wants to live him after 25+ yrs married.. he wants her back, she doesnt want any communication with him, and he is very upset, tense, and depressed about what th efuture holds for him (not to mention he is 55, and keeps saying he wont live long)... he does not want ANY outside help....so what how do I (the son) DEAL WITH HIM and his stubborness to get help???
2006-12-23 08:44:06 · 21 answers · asked by Thomas G 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'll tell you, what your dad is going through is worse than if your mom had passed away. And it doesn't matter that he's your dad, or that he's got 55 years of living under his belt. Nothing in life prepares you to deal with what your dad is going through.
There's no magic fix, and no amount of support or encouragement is going to relieve him of one simple fact; he's going to have to walk through the fire. The first several months will be terrible for him. He will eat, drink and sleep the break-up of his marriage. It will be the first thought every day and the last thought every night, and most of his waking hours will be consumed by it. And that's normal. His life has changed, all the rules have changed, some of the most critical things he's come to rely on...are gone. He's 55 years old, and he feels like he's starting over. He doesn't want to, and he's not sure he can. And if he tries, it will likely be the hardest thing he's ever done.
If he makes the effort, in 3 or 4 years, life will seem better. He will slowly build a new life for himself and he'll find comfort, meaning and purpose in things he can barely identify with now. But it will take time, and he has to put one foot in front of the other and begin to live again, even if it feels like he's walking into a heavy wind, even if it feels like he's doing everything by rote.
You can't save him from what he has to go through, and the fact is that you can't make it much better. What needs to happen, has to happen inside of him, and it's going to take years.
What you can do is to love him, even when it seems that your love isn't making any difference. It will, in time. And in time he'll look back and be very grateful that you were there. But for right now, and the foreseeable future...you just have to allow him to go through this, as painful as it will be for him, and as painful as it will be for you as you watch him go through it.
Not a very good Christmas for you and your family, and I'm sorry for that. Take care of yourself, love your dad, and trust that time will heal all of you.
2006-12-23 09:56:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, gender depression is common, and I can understand where he is coming from, but I do think he is taking it a little too far. It's sad that he seems to not just be happy with it anyhow, but if he is a normal human being with a beating heart, he will love that baby no matter what it is when he sees her adorable little face. So as much as he is acting childish for being so bummed out, he will be happy in the long run and don't worry about him leaving you or any of that nonsense, because this is just a phase that will pass. You are only 28 weeks so you still have a while to go, if he continues this even until your about to have the baby, then I would worry and have him go talk to someone. But for now, just let him try and get over it, and hope for the best and a healthy baby either way. And also, I am not saying this is going to happen and DON"T by any means take this information to get your hopes up, but I know a couple of people who were told they were having a girl and had a boy. Sometimes those parts don't show up right away. But this is just a hunch, so keep it in the back of your mind I guess. I don't know, I have bad advice!! But good luck and sorry that he is acting this way, I am almost positive he will get through it though. It might just take some time : \ Congratulations on the little girl anyway, and tell your family and friends and don't be ashamed. It's a blessing no matter what. And next time you have a baby, maybe it will be a boy, you never know :)
2016-05-23 02:21:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear that; Your dad is not a little boy so don't treat him as one. You can't live his life for him nor can you make him any happier if he doesn't want help then leave him alone and let him get through this. This has all of the earmarks of someone being depressed and rightfully so. The part I don't like is that he says he won't live long (talk to him and see if you can convince him to see a therapist to help him work through this) maybe even antidepressants could help if he would just see a therapist, life isn't over just because one person decides to leave. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
2006-12-23 09:07:32 · answer #3 · answered by beamer 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with him.What your dad is not realizing right now is that all the feeling sorry for him self in the world isn't going to fix a thing.Also he needs to realize he is still a dad and this hurts the kid(s) as much as anyone else in this setting.
Tell him you know he is hurting and feel for him but you are hurting by this too and need him to be there for you, especially right now.
Ask him to do things with you together. Go bowling or to a game and just spend as much time as you can helping him and yourself to keep your minds off of it.
After a little time he will regain his self confidence and re learn to enjoy his own life without her.Trust me, I myself went through a divorce and didn't want it but in the end came to see I was better off not being with someone who didn't want me.I had 5 great years being single and met a good women and had a wonderful little girl.
Just cause you cant foresee the future doesn't mean it isn't going to be great!
He may be your dad, but its your turn to help lead him the way.
2006-12-23 08:51:28 · answer #4 · answered by vmaxer85 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
right now he probably is in shock,, let him handle it in his own way,,,,,, just listens when he wants to talk,,,,, if he gets too morbid and starts talking about not living long, just tell him it really upsets you to hear that, and you cant help him with that,,,,, then have a phone # or two of a therapist or grief counselor he can speak with,,, and hand that # to him,,,,,,,,,he is going threw a grief, the death of his marriage,,, you need to be supportive as a son,, but not his crutch nor counselor,,,,,,,,if he doesnt want help,,, there is nothing you can do,,,,,,,, also, take him out to dinner,,,, bowling, a game, anything to try to take his mind off it, and to get him into new routines,,,, 55 is not old, and no one of any age knows what the future holds,,,,,,,, just try to find a middle ground with him, helping but not feeling responsible for his feelings nor for his adjustment to this change in life
2006-12-23 08:49:02 · answer #5 · answered by dlin333 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
dude, good on you for caring and trying to help your dad. in the end it's up to him to do something for himself and by the sounds of things he's not likely to do very much in the near future. the fact that he's saying he's not got long to live gives an indication he's not prepare to try too hard for a new relationship.
it's not easy, but try to get him out and doing things, anything. it doesn't have to involve girls, but just do things that he enjoys and makes him laugh. anything to help him forget and move on. but keep on trying.
as for you and how to deal with it, man that's hard, coz our olds just don't seem to be the same people we knew when we were younger. try to be tolerant, but make sure you have time to yourself too, so do what the other person said and get out and enjoy yourself. maybe by showing your dad that life is good he too will come out of his depression, so you'll be doing a double service.
anyway, get yourself out into the world, join some clubs, meet new people, enjoy life and give yourself a break from looking after your dad's interests all the while.
best of luck in this.
2006-12-23 08:50:30 · answer #6 · answered by pugsbaby 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to just pray to God that he takes things into his hands faith and hope worked for me and got me thru so maybe it will work for you. You really can not help someone who does not want to be helped you can only pray for them that God will take them in his hands and guide them in the right way. Divorce after 25 years has to be very hard, he will have to learn to live alone and do things alone and make decisions alone, just be there for him and do things with him and call him everyday to let him know that you still love him. I can not say "Don't let him give up" because that is his choice you can just be there so he knows he has other choices. Good luck with your dad.
2006-12-23 09:30:03 · answer #7 · answered by twinki 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's sounds really tacky, but I've been there, and the only thing that works, is time...I was so depressed when my husband left me, I didn't think I would ever bounce back,,,but I did, one day I woke up and it just didn't matter anymore...From a son's stand, just be there for him,,,my kids were my rock,,,they just kept trying to cheer me up until one day...they did!!!! So sorry, but hang in there.
2006-12-23 08:48:06 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to help him through this depressing time.it's just a break-up. In the begining it may seem like the world has ended.
He will survive. REMEMBER: Behind every cloud is a silver lining.
2006-12-23 08:51:58 · answer #9 · answered by Itgurl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get him out and show him that there is life out there even without her. Sure it hurts. But the best thing for him is to know that there are friends and family out there that are there to support him. Encourage him to talk out his feelings. If he doesn't want to talk, just keep enforcing the fact that you are there for him should he ever want to talk. It is a tough situation regardless.
2006-12-23 08:49:23 · answer #10 · answered by bryan c 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋