Sick and tired of being badgrered for sex!?

Question

I am 40, have been married 20 years. For the past two years I have had major health issues, have been hospitalized 8 times- oh yeah and 5 kids, 1 very angry stepchild her psycho mother and grandaughter to contend with and we just bought a house 6 mos ago. No one wants to help with anything! I have MS, I am extremely fatigued all day, I have not worked in two years due to this, I have gained a lot of weight- I am 5'4" and now weigh 140, used to weighing about 100. OK! thanks for the rant!
My stupid husband gets home and its like right after I am finished catering to everyones needs, he's done with dinner he starts right up wanting to play grab*ss! I am so sick of it and we constantly argue. I have so much going on with being "THE MOM" and being responsible for everything from changing light bulbs to trying to paint the interior of the house, etc. That sex is the furthest thing from my mind, but the minute I just sit he starts up. I am beginning to loathe him! Divorce?

In my defense-I'm not a why me type person-why not me? But the man has become verbally abusive since I have been sick and does go out almost every night- weekends, forget it- he's gone til all hours of the am. I have to do everything or it won't get done. It's Christmas Eve and he's at the bar- too much noise here, he can't enjoy the game. He'll me home "whenever"I don't want to make it sound like he's a nice person and I am just being bitchy.

Answer 1

Your comment is double edged. On the one hand you say you have an illness, have gained a few pounds (from your tone you don't seem to like it), don't work, yet your husband STILL finds you desirable? From that side of the coin, feel blessed. He could just as easily just roam the streets and find a woman that had your previous stamina and looks. On the other hand, it sounds like you are a one woman show doing everything at home, not getting the much needed help and zero thanks for all that you do.

I would think you and your husband sit down and talk (calmly) about this situation. The entire family needs to have a similar discussion laying down ground rules of engagement. Everyone in the house should have some responsibility to do their part to maintain and healthy and sanitary home environment.

All this stuff does need to be addressed, you physical health is at stake. I'm sure your doctors have told you about the benefits of a positive mental attitude and various physical ailments. I empathize with the fact you need help. It's wrong for your family to think the weight of the world can remain on your shoulders.

All of you must work this out.

Answer 2

Hi honey!Oh wait, you're not my wife, but you sound just like her. OK, you have issues, problems and a hectic life. You've been dealt some shi**y cards and have MS. Let's look at this from another angle: 140 is far from fat. You've got kids, a new house and a husband who (for now) is still attracted to you. You have become all mom, no wife, and it's become all about you. If you divorced him, where would you be then? Maybe it's time to sit down and have a heart to heart talk, without getting angry. He needs to know how you fell and what he can do to help you so you two can be a couple again. It sounds like his roles and life as he knows it hasn't changed much, and he may not be appreciating your situation. He needs to step up to the plate. Counseling might help both of you too, it sounds like you have some anger or "why me" issues you need to deal with. When life and it's events come between a couple, there isn't much hope left after that. You have to keep each other first in your lives. Want him to look elsewhere? Keep things the way they're going, and I guarantee he will. Sorry this is so harsh, but it needs to be said.

Answer 3

Obviously you have a lot on your plate right now. I have read your question twice to try and understand all the issues. The weight gain would be completely understandable. People always eat more when they are stressed and tired, comfort eating. Try to focus on what will relieve the stress. Could you hire someone to paint the house, you may be surprised how affordable it is. Professional painters usually get a discount on paint. By the time you purchase the paint and supplies, I was really surprised how cheap it was to have the house painted. You didn't say how old the kids are but even small kids can do one chore a day. Every little bit helps and you do not feel like such a slave. Treat yourself to a maid this year. Once it is all clean, it is easier to maintain. Isn't is great that after all these years, kids, health problems and weight issues your husband still finds you attractive? I would be worried if he wasn't trying to play*ss. Do not give up on your marriage. It is hard as a stranger to give advice, I hope some of this helped. Remember you are the goose that lays the golden eggs. If you do not take care of yourself there will be nothing for anyone else. It is hard to do as a mom but necessary.

Answer 4

You need to enlist a few allies. Talk to your minister, your doctor, your mother-in-law (not his, you want someone he can't mouth off to), and if necessary, an attorney. Hubby needs to come to grips with the fact that you have aged, that time has not been kind to you through no fault of your own, and that badgering you like a fuggin' adolescent is not just cruel, it's criminal!

I've had patients exactly like you. I've had to step in - how it's done is, I tell the patient to tell her husband I need to talk to both of you about her condition because he needs to know what's going to happen. Then, once they're both in my office, I lay it on the line for both of them. I tell him, among other things, that although it is difficult (and it really is - I understand how he feels - I'm a husband too), he's going to have to adapt and accept the changes that have occurred and that will get worse. I don't mince words - guys like him have to be hit between the eyes with the whole truth - so I admit I can't cure, and no physician can cure, MS. It does get worse over time.
I remind him how much you've done for him and the family and how very, very, VERY much worse off they'd all be had you NOT been able and willing to do all that you've done. I remind him how unpleasant it'll be for him without you if he pushes you into an early grave with his badgering. I end by telling him he's gotta back off.
And quite often, once I do that, hubby does lighten up. And it has sometimes turned out to be the most romantic thing he could do, and those moments, though they are fewer and further between, that wifey can find the energy and the concern to accede to his physical needs, it turns out to be extraordinarily sweet. And - worth the wait!
And yes, sadly, there have been couples I couldn't help this way. Hubby wanted his little piece of a s s, and that's all there was to it. Those cases have almost all ended up in divorce - and the woman much better off for it. Hope this does not happen to you, but you have to be prepared. If you do involve your minister, be darn sure BEFORE you go that route that he has had the proper professional training in marital counselling - some have not and are likely to say exactly the wrong thing! Good luck.

Answer 5

Picture this:

Your husband goes to work in the morning. He normally gets off work around 4:00 pm. But for some reason he has been calling more and more saying he has to work late. So your relieved.

As time goes on he comes home later and later and when he does he has already eaten and is so tired he goes straight to bed.
He gets up even earlier than normal now and is out of the house by 6:00am most mornings.

He use to have the weekends off. But now the company insists he works at least 6 days. He is on salary so you notice nothing strange there.

When you are together he is distracted. Now he not only won't be on your case but will hardly speak to you. You ask him what is wrong and he says nothing.....he is just tired from all that work.

Is this a better picture of what your marriage should be?
Sure no more bother with sex but also no more bother with him.
Sounds good right now huh?
In less than a month you would not like it either.

While you may not be up to sex you have control over that. You have no control over him seeking it elsewhere. And it is very clear he loves you very much. Wanting sex with you is how men show there affection. We love our wives and we love how they feel to our touch. If you need him to help out more just demand it. Tell him what all you have to do and ask for his help.

Be careful what you ask for you may very well get what you least expect.

Answer 6

I feel for you. I don't have all those health issues but have some. I go to work, which isn't all that strenuous but is stressful. I'm 52 wife is 44 and wants sex several times everyday. The kids are moved out, she doesn't work and stays home most of the time during the day sleeping has done this for years.
When i get home at night, i'm hardly in the door before she's naked laying back in a recliner with legs spread fondling herself and telling me shes been waiting for some all day long.

Tells me to get naked and please her NOW!

I'm rather tired of this type of behavior and have told her how i feel about it for years. Doesn't seem to phase her a bit. She wants sex on demand. If she doesn't get it she gets mad, and pouts for a hour or two, once we are in bed she thinks she again demands that i have sex with her.

I do it just to shut her up and so that i can eventually get some sleep, trouble is, she will wake several times a night, an start performing oral on me which wakes me and she immediately straddles me and stays until she reaches orgasm.

I know i should have dealt with this problem years ago. But am getting fed up and have considered demanding she seek counseling.

The sex is great i don't have any problem with the quality of it, but the frequency is a bit over done.

She has vibrators and dildo's, and she uses them often. Yet she say's they can't satisfy her like i can. On weekends I go through hell and a full tube of Ky Jelly simply because if i don't use it i'll be so sore come monday morning i'll hardly be able to walk.

Throughout our marriage she has been open about sex, and has actually attempted to seduce me with her female friends present.

I'd tell your husband how you feel about his behavior, and tell him to back off. I wouldn't divorce at your age, new partners and the financial independence may not be all that great to acquire. However, maybe you ought to let him read all the responses to your question and maybe the selfish bugger will understand that he needs to help you with things around the house and make the damned kids do their share as well.

Answer 7

Sounds to me like both of you have some major issues that neither of you are dealing with very well.

This is perhaps that worst forum for issues such as these, and to address them correctly, one really needs more information.

From what you have described, he is a snake, however, has he always been a snake? If he has, then you are just stupid for staying this long and having 5 kids with him.

I don't think that's the issue, though.

When you were diagnosed with MS, how was that handled? I would think that would be a major issue for any couple to handle together.

From your tone, I don't think you are capable any longer of looking at this problem with any rational or logical supposition. Both of you need to talk to someone and start changing some realities that the two of you have created.

Answer 8

If you are doing everything then it is because you choose too.

when your husband gets home put a paint brush in his hand and say here help.
Why are you not making the kids get off there butts and help you with "everything you say you do"
and if your ms was "so bad" then you would have some one come in every day and help you out.
if you really need help then ask for it. if you don't get it then stop doing the work.They may notice after a while and start to pitch in.
I have a saying in my house, "No One notices what i do til i don't do it." and then it's why wasn't this or that done, etc. when my husband works i bust my *** making things easier for him, i am not sick so i can, when he isn't working i stop the extras and everyone notices. i say sorry no one deserves the extras now.

Do you want some cheese with your whine.

Answer 9

Divorce. Not just yet.

#1) Sit him down for a nice, long talk.
#2) If he doesn't listen to you involve others, use your resources.
- A family member he really respects (not that he doesn;t respect you, but a fresh voice might help).
- A doctor, your health problems are a concern.
#3) If advice from people he knows doesn't help ask him to go to counseling.

Give him every opportunity to learn about your feelings. If he is informed, but can not at least compromise then divorce might be the answer.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like your husband is quite the lazy butt. If you have MS, he should be helping you with most of that work.

Obviously he's being VERY selfish and thinking only of himself, and it shows by him wanting sex all the time, he needs to seriously start thinking of you first and of your feelings and needs WAY before his own.

I can certainly understand why your so upset with him. And I can understand why your sick and tired about being badgered for sex. Doing all the cooking and cleaning and housework, and on top of it having MS, that's too much on your plate I think. Sounds like lazy bones husband needs to get off his butt and show you that he loves you and appriciates you by helping.