The Inlaws!?

Question

Ok, here's the problem. My inlaws want me to go to their house for every single holiday. They make it such a big deal if I can't make it. We don't really get along that well, there not mean to me, but I'm just not a big people person, and there are always 30 plus people at their house on holidays. I don't want to go, but I don't stop my husband from going. So, what should I do? Is it really that big of a deal?

Answer 1

Sounds like he comes from a family that has a big holiday tradition and you don't. I'm in your situation in my family; my wife has a big Italian-Irish family, lots of sibs and kids, and I never had that in my family. In 17 years of marriage I've had two Thanksgivings and no Christmases with my parents and relatives. Sad, but that's just the way things are -- to demand equality wouldn't be right. To answer your question: You don't have to show up at EVERY family do ... but be there at the major ones (Christmas, etc.) so that spouse will be able to show the family that everything's OK in the marriage. (Brothers and sisters size up each other pretty cruelly at these events regarding such things as job and family setbacks, so it's important that you go play "happy spouse" regularly.) Spouse will be grateful to you for your sacrifices, and you'll be able to find someone you can really talk to (another in-law works for me) or something good on TV in the back room to pass the time, after you're minimally sociable. Let me know what happens, or e-mail me for further discussion. Good luck!

Answer 2

Sorry Danielle but it is a big deal. Family is big in many relationships and as such you are a part of theirs and should be grateful that they think of you as such. Perhaps you would get along a lot better also if you were to not put up so much of a stink on these special occasions. Obviously you were aware of this type of family that you were marrying into and although you find it difficult to be in large crowds if you were to have some of the celebrations at your home then it may be a little easier for you also as it would be on your turf. It must make things difficult for your spouse also. Please try and do your best to attend even if only for a short while to make an appearance. Merry Christmas and sorry for being so blunt.

Answer 3

There ways of handling it you can go on some holidays and let them know not this time. Just want to chilled for this holiday event. When you go spend some time with them, If you read or have a laptop then find a room to stay in because they might come in for a min. but they will not stay long. You can say I be right back and go somewhere comfortible that you like doing. You can go back home and leave the cell phone at the party LOL.
Most of all your husband should stand by you and help with this.

Answer 4

For some families, yes, this is a big deal.

This falls under the "You should have discussed this before you were married" category.... didn't you spend holidays with his family while you were dating? If so, you should already know the expectations, and this shouldn't be an issue.
If it still is, however, then you need to talk with your husband and collaborate a bit. Maybe every other Christmas you could spend with the family? Or you could suggest limiting the time you spend there to only a few hours. Telling him flat-out "I'm not going" is likely to cause issues, so be willing to compromise.

Answer 5

I take it while you were dating your husband they had these big affairs for the holidays right? Well you should of thought about it before you married him. Go to these holiday affairs and help with the prep. Get involved. If you keep telling yourself that you are not going to have a good time, you won't. If you can;t do this for yourself at least do it for the man you love. It could be worse they could be mean to you and make it that much worse. Be thankful cuz alot of people sit at home by themselves year after year all alone. Good luck.

Answer 6

What you do is, settle for the damn mugs, and start up putting some away in a container to donate and placed the hot ones interior the cabinet. She thinks she's giving tremendous presents, so enable her think of it. Say thank you and go away it at that. i ought to furnish you my mom inlaw for a on an identical time as and you would be happy to get yours decrease back.

Answer 7

Taking part in family events is a big thing especially when it is ur inlaws.You should be glad that they appreciate u enough to want u their.It will really look bad if your husband go without you,especially if u are at home,sends the wrong message.U should go and find someone that u can get along with great and u should be fine.Good luck

Answer 8

Yeah with inlaws they always make it a big deal, and with your inlaws, they probably make your husband feel obligated to go to their family functions, its a sort of control issue here, if you dont feel like going just tell your husband to say that you were feeling under the weather, and maybe just drop by a few days later so that you can "play it off" but if you dont feel comfortable dont go, if theres any chance of ugliness, then dont bother. good luck

Answer 9

This is a decision you and your husband need to make. Every holiday seems a bit much to me. Pick one of the 'lesser' holidays they celebrate and stay at home, give them plenty of advance notice, or do whatever you want to do. Then go for two holidays and slowly wean yourself from their holiday activities one holiday at a time.
Now, don't refuse to attend their festivities and have to husband go without you. This will only exacerbate a bad situation. They'll rip you to pieces in your absence.
Good luck.

Answer 10

It really depends on your husband. What does he think? I believe if it's okay with him, then it's okay to skip some of the Holidays. If it's important for you to be there with him, then maybe you can negotiate a holiday or two to stay home from. But I don't think it would be Christmas if it's important to him! Good luck & Merry Christmas!