Wife and mother can't seem to live in the same house need advice?

Question

My mother came to live with us because she didn't want to live where she was living before. My wife agreed to let my mother stay here with us. My mother brought her cat with her and my wife hates cats she says our son is allergic to them and she made a big deal about it and my mother agreed to keep the cat in her room. My mother smokes and my wife and son have lung problems my wife wants my mother to smoke out side my mother wants to smoke in her room with the door closed and my wife says it still affects her and she still makes a big deal about it. Now both of them are fighting over every little thing. My wife can't take it anymore she wants my mother out. My mother watches our kids for us so we can save some money but my wife wants her gone. my wife says either my mother leaves or my wife and kids leave. What should i do i need help i'm in the middle. If my wife leaves with my children she will move to a different state. We only have one other relative here my sister wont have her.

My sister is the only relative other than me and my family that could take my mother in but she doesn't want my mother there in her house. She says it's our turn to take care of my mother.

Answer 1

Get mom separate quarters nearby. A small apartment where she can feel independent and still be near enough to walk to your house. Ask your sister to chip in, it's her mother too.

Answer 2

Too bad you didn't ask this question before your mother moved in. This is universal. Two women never ever can live in the same house and the husband is always right in the middle.

It would have made no difference if it were your mother or hers it would end up the same.

Consider this. Who's house is it? Which woman can truly call this their home? If you answered your wife you are right on. You owe you elegance to her. She is your wife this is her home and nothing means more to a woman than her home. And for her to be happy in it she must always have the final say.

You must tell your mother to make other arrangements. You can do all you can to help but she must go.
Of course if you think more of your mother than your family then leave things the way they are and you will soon be living with her....alone.

This is a place a man should never ever let himself get into. It is hard sometimes to say no when people you love are involved but almost never will it come to anything but this. And if it weren't smoking it will be something else. And if you have a daughter.....when she becomes a teenager you will be right back here again. Guaranteed.

Answer 3

No one ever knows how much another person in their household is going to effect their lives until after it happens. It was a nice try but it is just not going to work. You are going to have to find a new place for Mom to live close by. You should have realized that two women living in a house is not a good idea. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Would you like her Father living in your house or any other man? I know she agreed but she didn't realize herself how hard it would be. I give her credit for trying. Your family is your number one concern now. You cannot jepordize your marriage and family. You have the rest of your life to live with your family long after your Mom is dead. Buck up and take the blame. First find a new home for Mom. Hopefully near by so you can visit her often. She can still baby sit the kids, just go get her and take her back when you get home. Don't try to think about saving money at this point, your marriage is more important. After you find her a new home, take her to see it. Then say, Mom things are just not working out for any of us. No one is happy with the current situation so I have decided to move you into this lovely apartment close by. I will do everything I can to make you comfortable here and I will visit often but we just can't all live together. I know you understand. If she is living near by, you can stop in on the way to work in the morning s and have a cup of coffee with her or on your way home in the evening. If you give her a little time she will be OK. She can spend lots of time at your house as long as you take her home at night. Her cat stays at the apartment always and for a day here and there she can smoke outside. Honestly though your wife comes first. You left your Mom to live life with your wife in a marriage. Don't let your wife down.

Answer 4

Perhaps its time mom moves into a semi independent old aged home. That or you act like a man and confront them both and tell your mom that she must respect your wives wishes as it is her house, and if she doesn't want your mom smoking in her house then she should respect this. A family meeting with the three adults involved might help also where all the cards are placed on the table and each is allowed to say what they need to say, and the others keep an open mind. It is a difficult situation that you have found yourself in but if you feel like you are stuck in the middle then you need to be the person who initiates a solution. Best of luck.

Answer 5

well you need to think of your wife and Son 1st .I can se your wifes problem with smoking and the cat.It is nice that you 2 are saving money,but isit really worth your marriage? How about a little apt close to your house where your kids could go and stay with your mom while you 2 work? ALL 3 of you need to sit down and talk this whole thing out there has to be a solution that makes all 4 of you happy,I wish you the very best,Good Luck

Answer 6

Okay, first of all, why is it that your mother, a grown woman, cannot live on her own? Is she disabled? Sickly? If not, there is no reason for her to have to live with you or any of her other children. This sounds like a horrible arrangement. Any time a parent comes to live with their grown children who have families of their own, it is ALWAYS a burden. It doesn't matter how much you love them, how sick they are or how much they need you to take care of them. It's just a fact. I don't blame your wife at all, and agree with her on this. If your mother is able-bodied, sit down with her and lovingly tell her that she needs to get a job and find a place of her own because it is causing undue stress on your life and your family. You can assist her with this. It probably won't be easy, you probably love your mother a lot, but for the sake of your family, it needs to be done. And of course, promise her that you'll visit her. If she cannot work or live on her own, you have a couple of options. Tell her she can stay with you ONLY if she abides by your household rules (e.g., no smoking inside, get rid of the cats, etc). If she will not honor your requests, there are probably resources in your community for assisted living facilities and such, you should look into that. Good luck. : )

Answer 7

I can relate to the relationship anyways. I can't imagine my mother-in-law living in my house. But my advice would be to sit your mother down and let her know she is in you and your families home as a guest. As a guest you don't get to just bring in whatever bad habits you have, and expect whomevers home you're at to do something they don't even do in their home. You are doing her a favor, and she needs to be thankful for that. As far as the cat, maybe your wife can bend a little there, but only if your son is truly not allergic to them. If he is, first and foremost its his home, so the cat would have to go. His health and well being comes before your moms want for an animal. Tough love is hard, but your wife is the general of your home, you give that away to someone else ( yes even your mother ), and your wives desire to leave will probably happen. It is her castle, your mother is the guest. Quite simply, put her in her place!!!!

Answer 8

it may be your "turn" to take care of your mother, but it is your's and your wife's house and your mother needs to understand that. i think that you should talk to your mom and let her know that you are happy that she is with you but there need to be some ground rules. NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. whether it is in her room with the door closed it can still affect everyone in the house. do you really want your son smoking, that is what is going on.

Answer 9

First of all you should have laid some ground rule for you mother before she moved in. You are doing her more of a service for her than she is for you. I don't see you spending the same amount on child care as she would on rent. She needs to respect the home she moved into. Your wife should have equal say in the decisions about who moves in after all it is her residence too. If you don't think so then think of how empty the house will be if you don't make some compromises soon.

Answer 10

You can also leave the house with your wife if you can't send your mother out. By the way why not find another apartment close to yours for your mother.

Answer 11

I noted that your wife agreed to let your mother 'stay' there with you....no where in that was the agreement that she lived with you 'permanently'.

Expecting your wife to live with your Mother is totally unfair. That is your wifes home, and your mother should respect the no smoking and smoke outside. I am a smoker and I smoke outside my own home, I have a smoke free home due to clients, some with sensitive allergies. Simple respect is given when one 'chooses' for themselves to violate their lungs as I do. I 'care' about the non smokers around me, I am very 'aware' of their needs and discomfort with my personal habitual choice. They have the right to choose to live smoke free especially with respiratory ailments....for heavens sakes...she is your wife...this is 'her' home. Where else can you be 'free' without having to be someone you are not for someone else.

You need to ring the Local Community for somewhere you Mother can live, like a community villiage, where on-site help is there for those whom are still independant. I am assuming your mother is elderly, otherwise she would be living in her own dwelling ....yes??? If she is not....(raises eyebrows) then I would be querying why your mother will not 'help' herself. Just because she did not want to live where she was living before does not make her all of a sudden dis-abled and crippled and reliant on you totally and only...which is what is coming accross here.

Save yourself, your family and save your Mother too, do her the favour of having her placed somewhere where she can be with people her own age and enjoy an environment where she can smoke in her room!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!! Give yourself a wonderful gift.....freedom for your family.......Good Luck.

Blessings be yours in peace, light and happiness,
Harriett Potty ;)