Why do people give up so easily after infidelity?

Question

I always KNEW if my husband cheated on me, he would out the door. Then after some different circumstances 11 yrs into our marriage, he had to work out of state for 10 months, and he had an affair. The thought of leaving WAS there, but he confessed and is really remorseful and has not placed the blame on anyone but himself. He has been totally committed to repairing our relationship and supporting me in EVERY decision I make and every bad day that I have. He is in ALMOST as much pain as I have been. He truley struggles with his guilt. After much counseling and heart to hearts and a lot of soul searching, we are slowly putting our marraige back on track. I still love him more everyday, the trust is a work in progress. My question is any time I have posted a question on Yahoo!Answers, most (not all) of the feedback is so negative. I get the "once a cheat, aways a cheat" everytime. Sometimes it is very discouraging when I just ask for some general input. Have these (continued)

people actually been through this or are they just speculating, and feeling the way that I did before I was thrown into it? Is there anyone out there that HAS been through it and worked it out? My husband and I still love each ohe very much!!! He made a HUGE mistake and now says he realizes what he has and wll NEVER jeopardize it again. Is all of our work worth it or is everyone correct when they say, it will never be the same? Someone please give me some hope. I feel like things are going to be fine, I hope it doesnt blow up in y face.

I will add, that we are christians and he has repented for his sin. If God can forgive him, and Jus CHrist died on the cross for all of our sin...who am I not to forgive him. I am far from perfect and I hope if the tables were turned, he would be so forgiving. I am just not willing to give up on my marriage when I truley believe that we have soething special. We always have. He gave into temptation but I feel that he has learned from his mistake.

That was upposed to be Jesus Christ above...my keys are sticking this morning.

Answer 1

Some people here are hypocrites and scream Divorce and other such cliches without understanding the sensitivity of the person who is asking a question.

i congratulate you on your efforts and on your husband's efforts to keep the marriage going. To err is human and to forgive divine. The Bible has a story of the prodigal son. We have to judge the mistake in the context it occurred.

Infidelity is a BIG mistake and i do not support it. Human beings are not perfect and they make mistakes. Confessions are permitted in a church. If there is true repentance and true love then the mistake will not be repeated.

Look at Hillary Clinton. The hurt remains and life will not be the same again but it does not mean that love and marriage cannot be continued. A crisis is a test of our character and if both partners emerge stronger after it then you should cherish your husband with all his faults. Don't allow another woman to wreck your marriage especially if your husband is remorseful and repentent.

Merry Christmas and wishing you a Happy married life.

Answer 2

If a man is away for many months. A wife should expect that the husband will have some sex affair. Not a love affair but a sex affair. Its not o.k. but it could have been the other way around. YOu could have been lonely at home for the 10 months and met a fellow who flirted with you etc. and you could have had a one nighter or two.
The fact that you are still with your husband says you still love him. If there was other baggage going on and then he had this SEX affair, not love affair, I don't think you would be there with him still. (Just my opinion).
Yes, people say once a cheater always a cheater. They say that because most people once they do something, it is easier to do it again if the opprotunity arises again.
Your husband was away for 10 mos!!!That is a long time to go without sex. Not love but sex.
Now if he was at home with you and he was having an affair while with you, that would be another story. I think that that would have been a harder situation to deal with. Don't yo think?
If you both still love each other, then you probably will want to work it out like you have been trying too. But you have to accept the fact that it will take a lot of work. And the trust? Can you really trust someone totally?
You have another answer. You are probably getting confused by all the answers from this Yahoo Answers. I would suggest move on and just seek professional counseling.
Nobody has the answer for you.
You have the answer. YOu are who you are and whatever you believe in your heart is right to do, then do it. And who cares what anybody else thinks.
If you and your husband split up? ARe you ready to be alone? You won't have his income anymore? do you have kids? Do you want to date again? Its scary out there? Look at your husband and look for the qualities that he has. Is is worth to loose him for the SEX affair he had and not Love Affair? There is a difference you know? There are men who are married and have a love affair. They are in love with two women at the same time.
Good luck. You do what you feel is right in your heart.
And if you choose to stay with your husband and he does cheat on you again, well, you know not to trust him again and you will be stronger next time to tell him, " Goodbye for good".

Answer 3

You know "I" am one of those who throw the "once a cheater, always a cheater" phrase out every time. I am truly happy when I am proved wrong. As it seems in your case. However, 99% of the time I am not. This "Yahoo Answers is for the masses. We have to take a one paragraph question and give a two paragraph answer, that fixes everything. I know that it's impossible to please everyone with a cookie cutter answer, but you have to do the best with the little information we have. As with you, your strong! We didn't know that. You're capable of forgiveness far beyond the average women. It is very difficult to see this with a simple "He cheated, what do I do?" question. The main issue is this... "trust" and you admitted that you are working on that. If you are strong,(and YOU are) it gets better with time. Easier, less complex, and the big epiphany is it never comes back completely. I know from experience,18 years now. I'm also a survivor of broken trust, and I still give the advice that cheaters are cheaters even though in my own life, I know it's not always 100% correct. I have to work the averages, sorry. Good luck on your trust issues. Trust is allot like faith, in Christianity. The longer you are in the faith, the less faith you need, because you can see Christ in everything. Sort of fantasy solidifying into fact with time and evidence.

Answer 4

I've been through it. After 21 years of marriage my husband had an affair. I was devastated. He was not as remorseful as your husband seems to be. He did however want to work it out and so did I. We went through marriage counselling. We celebrated our 35th anniversary in October. Was it easy??? No. We love each other still. Sometimes I still have issues, maybe I always will. Our marriage is stronger than it's ever been though. We have also learned how to be best friends (which was missing before). So take heart sweetie, it will work out if you both put the time and effort into it. There will be alot of pain along the way but, you have to go through it to reach the good stuff. I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

One of the big reasons people give up so easily after infidelity is because it usually happens so casually. In your case, I'm not suprised. I told my wife when we got married, my bed would not be occupied by one one for more than two months straight, so if she couldn't be on the other side, she'd better make arrangements for someone she could trust. She's taken that very seriously. Only once has it happened that I was alone in bed for more than two months, and that was medical reasons beyond her control.

Ten months apart? No wonder! Did he even remember what you look like? Did he even remember what you smell like? I'm not excusing him, he should have realized this was a bad idea from the start also, he should have turned down the business trip or taken you along. He should have realized that once you're alone for that long, your heart, mind, and body start to think you're single and you start to feel, think, and act single. A person needs to have someone to be accountable to if they're going to do that kind of thing.

But most of the time, when infidelity happens, it's not what you went through. Women who are unfiathful will say, "Well, he just wasn't there for me emotionally. Then this guy came in and he was so supportive... and one thing led to another..." Bull! They knew what was happening right from the beginning. Men will usually say to me, "Well my wife wasn't there for my physically. I tried everything, but I had to get some somewhere." Bull! You didn't try everything! You gave up! Trying everything includes bringing in a third party you both trust to arbitrate. I have yet to see a cheeting husband who "tried everything" including that. Cheaters usually know what they're getting into before they do it.

Of course, there are situations like yours. I had one husband who did ask me to arbitrate. His wife really wasn't willing to have sex with him, she really wasn't responding to anything, he really had done his best and she just said, "It wasn't good enough." Finally I laid down a schedule for them. She complained that she didn't want to without being seduced first, at which I said, "Fine, he has to take you out to dinner those nights too. That's seducing you. If you don't like it, find someone else for him to take out and take home. He didn't get married to be celebate." I wish I could say their life changed drastically, but she followed the schedule. Eventually she saw my point and they were able to abandon the schedule, but I made my wife swear I was never going to have that problem. (Which isn't to say we've never made a schedule, just that she never complained about it if it was reasonable.)

The goal of every marriage should always be to make it work. The goal of every Christian should always be forgiveness and reconciliation. But you said your husband repented, not all do. Not even all that say they do really do. I wish you and your husband the best, I really do, but my beliefs are that the future of your marriage is your decision, not his, that he's done the crime and you are the one with the authority to determine the punishment or terms of forgiveness.

Answer 6

Hope....Hope....Hope....

I am a Latter Day Saint ( Mormon). We beleive in repentance AND forgiveness.

Yes, affiars are really hard to get over. Many couples dont make it thru it. But, there are many who actually do when the spouse is in total repentance and does everything he can to make it right. We are to forgive the ones we love.

The sin of adultery is not easily forgiven by the spouse or by the Lord. Its difficult but can happen if he is sincere.

I admire you for having enough love for him to forgive him. But really forgive him and don't bring it up ever again. Let HIM forget it also. It sounds like he IS trying....and only time will really tell if he is sincere.

Keep the Lord apart of your lives, this will help you big time. Only the Lord can heal a marriage. I say, that a marriage is three people, you , your spouse and the Lord. In these days, its very hard to keep a marriage safe and alive without Him.

Families are forever and they are the only things you will take with you when you leave this earth. Cherish them with all your might. Marriage IS sacred, it is ordained by God.

Pray for your husband, pray together. Good luck-

Answer 7

Been through it.

It is very rare and very difficult for a cheater to change.

First let me say you have to have zero faith in the faith thing - just for now. If he was a "Christian" when he was f*cking another woman over and over and over, then he betrayed his vows to you *and* God so it doesn't matter how hard he swears he is sorry. I mean come on - what does that sound like? "Thank you Jesus for this sweet strange p*ssy I am banging on the side...mmmm Lord I love to screw my wife and another woman." That's as hypocritical as it gets.

What I am saying is you can use God to sort of hide behind - the devil made me do it and all that rot. Guilt is useless. He's sorry. Big whoop and that sounds cynical, but...

What really counts is taking 100% responsibility (sounds like he did), giving you tons of time to deal with it (it was over 5 years before things started to resemble normal around here).

What really counts is him knowing he has no respect for you, and how to fix that by every single day being open to stopping, taking a photo with his phone of where he is and sending it to you on a moment's notice to show his word can be trusted. It means him offering to go over the cell phone and credit cards bills with you when they come so you know he's not spending time or money on someone else. It means him showing you before and after what the mileage readings are on his car so you know he isn't driving anywhere but where is supposed to. It means listening to you scream and call him a lying worthless a s s h o l e every time you want.

It means admitting daily you are a lying cheating a$shole who deserves everything you are getting. It means having *no* sex for a long long long time and all the while not complaining or whining and letting you set the tone.

However, you setting the tone and calling all the shots and all his admissions of being a loser will most likely make you lose respect for him. It depends.

Some women can get over it in 2 weeks and move on. Others like you are rocked by it. It's probably so toxic it will ruin you two. Because I guarantee you, forgive all you want and talk to Jesus until you are blue in the face but you are human and you will *never* forget.

Not trying to be cynical - the pain eases with lots of time but it never disappears.

Answer 8

You know why i think people give up after infidelity....... Because it is really hard to trust that person again and you have a lot of questions about them doing it again , or how many times had it happened, does it mean they never really loved me etc... I think it is normal to feel that way and in the end you have to be a strong person to take that person back and really talk your self into forgiving him or her.

Personally i couldn't do it there would be to much concern and paranoia on my behalf i am a strong person but if someone cheated on me it would be a sign of no respect in the relationship and i would find no point in staying

There are a lot of people out there who stay for all the wrong reasons and in the end they are miserable and end up divorcing down the road!!!

Answer 9

think people give up because the spouse who cheated is not remorseful or sorry and feels justified for what they did. some people refuse to accept forgiveness, or give forgiveness, because they believe the past is the past, this is just a way to avoid the guilt. forgiveness requires the offense occur ed, and admitting real injury was done. the past can't be undone but the future can. had my ex asked for forgiveness i would have forgiven him, and taken him back, but he didn't, so i gave up all hope in even getting an apology, although there were plenty of chances. he chose not to even go there. so this is why i decided to give up and move on but easily, no.

Answer 10

Because most people think the foundation of marriage is sex. There is a lot more to marriage than sex. I understand trust is an issue as well, but can you really expect anyone nowadays to be morally and sexually perfect? If marriage was the cure all for infidelity, you would not need trust. If we were perfect we would not need to be trusted. It is throught our imperfections that we build trust with one another. Would you have felt any better if he didnt cheat and just left you for the other woman? Would you be able to trust him then? We should not put our trust in men, but only in Christ.