He left me seven months ago after becoming involved with another woman, the neighborhood whooore, who is not attractive and is disliked near and far. No. Really. (He didn't admit it at the time, saying that we weren't getting along. He later admitted that he was involved with her. She lives in the neighborhood and everyone knows about it. Very humiliating.
He now has broken off with her and wants to get back together. He said that he will go to counseling (which I think is a joke, really.) He says that he is sorry that he hurt me but has yet to say that he is sorry about what he did.
A therapist and a psychiatrist and my in-laws say that many men go through this when they turn 40 and their fathers are ill and that I should give him a chance. I am still hurt and angry. I am also too humilated to forgive him. (He left me for an ugly, unkind woman. Ha!)Our kids would like us back together and I AM NOT interested in marrying again. No one ever filed papers throughout this ordeal.
2006-12-23 00:14:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You have kids so you might want to rethink your decision. I divorced my husband and my kids really resent me now. I myself wouldn't take him back no matter if I had 20 kids with him. So no I don't think you're terrible. Being unfaithful is one of the things I would never forgive a man for. By the way I didn't divorce my husband because of infidelity.
2006-12-23 00:25:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your hurt is understandable and justified. Your conscience should be your best guide. If everyone including your children feel that you should give him a second chance then you have to think rationally. Your emotions may be clouding your judgement. Do you mean to say that your children do not understand your pain? i dont think so. They fully understand your pain as well as their father's.
You may need to sit with the psychiatrist and therapist to share your pain and understand what they are saying. If you feel the same disinterest after counselling then you better think of having your life after divorce. Just curious why you did not file divorce papers. It is a clue that you do not want your marriage to end. You need lots of love and repentance from his side to get over the hurt, maybe. Let the anger and hurt subside before you decide one way or the other.
Take your time and go by your conscience. Seek professional help.
2006-12-23 14:46:35 · answer #2 · answered by StraightDrive 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOUR therapist is recommending this? Or is it HIS therapist? If your therapist or psychiatrist are advocating for your ex-husband, find another therapist and shrink.
Yes. It is true. Men go through the midlife crisis at around 40+.
It is also common for a man that strays like this one to crash and burn and want to come back.
Your children don't see the full picture and they love daddy unconditionally, so of course they want him back.
It is really up to you to make this decision because you are the one that has to deal with your feelings and any consequences of the decision.
Suggest you get off somewhere alone for a weekend. Have a relative or girlfriend sit with the kids. Go somewhere peacefull. Relax. Take a bubble bath. Eat a nice meal. Think about the positives and negatives of the situation.
If you decide to not let him back in, make a list of reasons, if you want. Write them down. You don't have to tell him any of that but it may be good for you if you can get some of your feelings off your chest.
If you decide to let him come back into the family, write down your feelings about the situation. Also write a list of things you expect from him from now on. Things such as expecting him to be accountable. To call if late. To be honest, No internet play Etc.Make sure he knows that you taking him back is contingent on these boundaries. And that the other choice is you don't take him back.
In either case, once you are decided and ready, set up a meeting with him. Alone. Somewhere neutral, such as Dennys or one of those places. Not romantic. This is business. Dress in your best power outfit (not sexy-busines) and lay it all out with him at the meeting.
No matter what he does, crying, whateve, don't give in until you have said your part. (being at a neutral place will help with this).
Be prepared to be very guarded for about a year. It's easy not to cheat for 3, 6, even 9 months. Give him a chance to build up a track record of behavior that is trustworthy. Even then, you will always be a bit wary. Eventually you will forgive.
Be prepared to go to marriage counseling. You probably need to find another one if the old ones are taking sides.
Whether you stay with him or not, be willing to address whatever was going on in this marriage from the inside of you. He is responsible for his cheating, but you need to look at the choices you made that took you to this painful place. Maybe figure out how you can change, for your own good?
May the Force be with you.
2006-12-23 08:53:51 · answer #3 · answered by Jack P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My heart went out to you when i read this because my ex did exactly the same thing to me and i know how awful i felt at the time. All I would say to you is this.....it is not the therapist, in-laws or psychiatrist that will have to live with ur husband if u take him back, its you. Make the decision based on what YOU want and feel happy with. It may be that if you take some time out your anger etc with diminish to the point where you can forgive and forget. Trust is a very fragile thing - easy to break, hard to mend. Do what you know in your heart is right for you and you wont go wrong.
2006-12-23 08:20:34 · answer #4 · answered by Rowan1964 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You know, the therapist, psychiatrist and in-laws aren't on your side. It doesn't matter if 'many men' go through this. The point is, he did it to you. There's nothing to say he won't do it again.
Sure, I think everyone deserves a second chance, but he even lied about the circumstances before. You shouldn't get back with him if you feel this way. To do so denies your feelings and could cause much more harm than good. At the most, maybe some family counseling to help the kids work through and set some boundaries for him and you.
2006-12-23 08:19:07 · answer #5 · answered by jayfer1976 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
There is no law that states that you have to take him back. I cannot believe that a psychiatrist would say such a thing. You have your own life and choose not to be fooled by a lying, cheating man. Be strong and continue on with your life. File the necessary papers and be rid of him. How disgusting that he picked the neighborhood floozy(spelling). It is gross and unforgiving. Take your own advice. You are not interested. Period. Find a man that will treat you with respect. Do not listen to your family. Only YOU know how you feel. Your kids will get over it and it will teach them that adultery has its consequences. I wish you the best of luck and remember to stay strong and true to your word.
2006-12-23 08:23:37 · answer #6 · answered by looloo1122 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you do not want to take him back, then do not. My only advice is to file divorce papers before things get to complicated. Keep your cool and focus on a good outcome for your divorce. I know it is hard to stay focused and use your head more than your heart right now. Just try very hard. I am coming from the school of hard knocks. I know what I am talking about.
2006-12-23 08:24:51 · answer #7 · answered by Nelly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
eek gag. I wouldnt take him back. even though I am a strong beleiver in second chances I dont do the whole cheating thing. lieing to your love is the worse thing ever. So he couldnt even be honest and say it he had to make you feel like you were inadequate. I think I've summed up my opinion of this guy. So I say no. but thats easy for me to say right? only you can make the right descision. but not all guys are cheaters and liars. So if you think that way how could he? and what would ever make him not do it again next time temptation comes around. PLus he proabbly has hep c or aids or warts or sum crap from that whore.
2006-12-23 08:19:14 · answer #8 · answered by fuck 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
this phrase jumps out at me "I am still hurt and angry. I am also too humilated to forgive him." what do you suppose was his motivation for this if you are kinder and sexier than she is. was he chasing a fantasy? was he just after the forbidden? did he need to confirm his own desireability? you need answers from him so you can make your decision on something more than you inability to get over your humiliation which by the way is a very bad reason to not go to counseling with this man
2006-12-23 14:04:02 · answer #9 · answered by David C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
from this situation you have to see from others perspectives of the situation, the kids need have been abondoned and left without a father but dont consider yourself terrible for not taking him back because he ****** up and thats on him.
I kno that if i did something like that i would completely ashamed of myself to put my wife through that and my kids for what? nothing. if you dont love him anymore, then dont take him back, if you still love him then take him back, this is a critical decision.
He lied and cheated, but you kno sometimes **** happens, take it from his perspective, he ****** up and now he cant get the woman he did wrong to back, it must suck. He wants to get back together because he probly understands what he did was ****** up to everyone, and wants a second chance. give him that second chance, do it for your kids yourself and him, see if **** wouldt work out. if i was in his shoes and i still loved you i would do anything for you recognize my regret and remorse and take me back for the second chance.
and yes cheating is ****** up, the worst thing possible in a relationship showing a great loss of trust and love to do that...
but in the end, its up to you, dont listen to what anyone has to say, just think it through, do whats right that YOU wanna do, not what others say you should
2006-12-23 08:23:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋