Sometimes I think i've forgiven someone, but the next time they make me upset I get upset about EVERYTHING they've ever done to me, like I roll it all together..then I get even more upset! I hate carrying that resentment around. How to get rid of it?
2006-12-22 22:52:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
One answer may be to write down everything this person has done to wrong you, and everything that you have done to wrong them. Be as honest and as accurate as you can. Then consider how you feel about it. Ask yourself whether you really want to go on knowing this person, in view of all this.
If you really feel that you do not want to know the person any more, and if they cannot harm you if you break contact with them, then break contact. After that you may find that you don't need to think about it any more. Don't forget it, just put it to one side and don't let it affect you. Praying for the person may help, too.
It can be a good idea for you to keep the writing that you did, so that if you find later that somebody else is triggering the resentment that you felt toward the first person you can get a clearer idea of what is happening, fast. If that happens you may want to consider seeing a professional about it.
If the person matters too much for you to break contact then you will need to think and feel things through for yourself. I have been told it can help to put it all in the form of a letter to them (but don't ever give them that letter or post it to them unless you leave it for at least a week first and perhaps get a second opinion!) A letter to an imaginary counsellor, or even to your guardian angel, may help more.
You wrote, "Sometimes I think i've forgiven someone, but the next time they make me upset I get upset about EVERYTHING they've ever done to me, like I roll it all together..then I get even more upset! I hate carrying that resentment around. How to get rid of it?"
That seems to me as though you are trying to push the resentment away from you and under - and that is like putting something toxic into a weak box that is full up; every time they upset you more is getting pushed into that box, and now the box is bursting-full and all the resentment is coming back out at you.
The only answer I know is to get it all out - in writing, NOT in rages - look at it, understand how you feel about the things that have happened - but then think about it all and that may "take the resentment to pieces"; you would find it much easier to let those pieces go.
This sort of thing is much more difficult than saying "I forgive you", trying to forget about it (and having it all blow up again, which it will if you don't work it out. If you are hurt enough the part of your mind concerned with your own welfare won't let you suppress it for long, especially if you are hurt again.) It can take a bit of work to get over the pain and resentment, but this kind of thing can work to get you over it.
If I gave a source for all this it would be assorted psychology and religious books, plus experience.
2006-12-23 03:11:30 · answer #1 · answered by gileswatches 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I usually don't forgive someone unless I'm ready whether that takes a day or 6 months. Sometimes a person can do something to hurt me so badly that in time I would forgive them, but I would never talk to them again because of the person they are. Give yourself time, If this person hurt you so bad that you cannot forgive them, then decide if you can continue a resentment free relationship or if you just have to move on
2006-12-23 00:42:40 · answer #2 · answered by Mel 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remember your bigger than the person. They should live with the guilt not you. If the person is really worth it in time they should devalue their crime by showing how much of a good person they can be and change for the better. You haven't forgiven this person they must have done something very wrong. I rarely forgive people but, it is a good quality to have. It shows power and respect.
2006-12-22 23:21:03 · answer #3 · answered by obscure 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you make reference to a person that has repeatedly wronged you when you say "...the next time they make me upset..." I'd say it's time to tell that person to take a hike and get them out of your life forever.
Once you forgive a person once, and they offend you again repeatedly, it becomes impossible to ever forgive them completely.
Over time, you will begin to hate the person because you have tried to forgive them repeatedly, no matter who they are or how much you want to love them.
There is an old expression that says 'You only hurt the ones you love' that is applicable to your question.
Since a stranger's words seldom hurt us for very long, and we forget about them rather than hate them, it is usually someone close to us that we care about that we find ourselves trying to forgive, such as a friend or relative.
Other than people we are forced to be around, such as co-workers, friends and relatives are the ones we grow to hate, and can be the hardest people to push out of our lives, even when we know it's in our own best interest to do so.
2006-12-23 02:34:56 · answer #4 · answered by Passions Unchained 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it really is so easy to say forgive and forget but the truth is we should just forgive and not to forget because by remembering things we can avoid what hurts us in the first place just as long as we dont let the not forgetting eat us up inside, we just have to learn from it and one way for us not to get hurt by other people acts or making them upsets us is by just accepting them they way they are and don't expect nothing extraordinary from them no matter how impressive we think or know they are and by doing so we will always have a pleasant surprise instead of some inane feelings of being upset!
2006-12-22 23:20:19 · answer #5 · answered by livinhapi 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I found I am a person who holds a grudge even after I say it's ok. What I have learned if you don't let it go it will eat you up. After a big problem with cousins my heart was full of hate and I found there was no room for love and it was killing me and not hurting no one else. Now a year later I have no hate in my heart and I am living again. So let it go and then you can be truly free. Good luck and God bless.
2006-12-22 23:39:35 · answer #6 · answered by snowflake 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly forgive someone, then you shouldn't resent them for it later. When you forgive the important thing is to be honest with yourself. Make sure that you feel good about forgiving that person than & only then will you be able to forget.
2006-12-22 23:01:54 · answer #7 · answered by Hatim A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell the person who hurt you, they hurt you. Your job in life is to be present. don't hold on to all this baggage. I think that what happens if you dont' express it at the moment..
Forgiving and letting go lets you free and if the other person doesn't acknowledge it, it's there issue.. Your job is be honest right here right now..
Easy said then done... yes, but you will live much freer and know where you stand...
Reality sucks...
Big Frank
2006-12-22 22:59:02 · answer #8 · answered by FXM65 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all you love yourself and give yourself all the time takes to heal and recover from your damage.
Take a look at Alcoholics Anonymous 4th step. Resentments.
Have you confronted the person and told them? Their response isn't important. It is important that you stand up for yourself. At least do it when you can. Hold them responsible for your pain. Still it is your responsibility to get well.
Yours is a very difficult question and there are no easy answers.
2006-12-22 23:16:13 · answer #9 · answered by Russell W 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a very good question. It is difficult sometimes to forgive, but it is a necessary medicine to help you heal. I had to forgive my ex-husband for infidelity. I told him that I forgave him for what he did, however I won't forget it. I felt so much better afterward. Have you told your someone that you forgive them and why?
You might be able to get rid of it by verbally expressing your forgiveness.
2006-12-22 23:03:53 · answer #10 · answered by Future 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋