Can someone please give me an HONEST assessment of what I've written?

Question

It is the first part of my manuscript that I'm writing. I know you don't know what they're talking about, but this is cut out- that information is given if you keep reading. I want to know several things- Your opinion on the voice, whether or not you're interested in continuing or not, and if you like it or not. Thanks, I appreciate it. Remember, HONEST- if you don't like it, I make it better, if you do, good. Win win.

In a small cottage at the edge of a forest, late into the night of the Winter Solstice, four people sat around a roaring fire, draped in cloaks for warmth. They were all wide awake, despite it being so late, and engaged in a debate.
Wrapped in several blankets, a young man reclined against the wall beside the fireside, spoke. “I agree with Katerina, we shouldn’t act irrationally.” He looked over at a tall, large woman standing to his right and nodded to her. “We should let actions take their course and hope for the best. We don’t understand what has happened and there is nothing to be gained through action; all we’ll do is complicate matters.”
Shivering slightly, he readjusted his blanket and moved closer to the fire. “What do you think, Oren?” he asked, looking at a very tall man pacing in front of the mantel piece. He was broad shouldered, with a powerful build and a confident gait. Stroking his beard, he addressed the speaker, “I don’t think so, Aric.”

Aric’s sharp profile, cast in shadow along the floor, flickered from the firelight. He wore a very calm and neutral expression, and gazing up at Oren, asked “Why not?”
“To do nothing is to allow anything to happen to us, to have no say in it? we’re vulnerable, to me that is enough of a reason to act,” responded Oren.

Answer 1

Average. Doesn't have enough mystery or tension yet to draw one in.

You need to look at keeping your speakers in the same tense.

"Wrapped in several blankets, a young man reclined against the wall beside the fireside, spoke."

compared to:

"Shivering slightly, he readjusted his blanket and moved closer to the fire."

Or: "He wore a very calm and neutral expression, and gazing up at Oren, asked “Why not?”"

The clash of tenses, the extra adjectives, and the multiple images in each sentence tend to slow the reader down. Also, language has an innate rhythm, and more adjectives, although they may help with description, tend to interrupt the normal cadence of language.

Expressing one idea per sentence, one image per description, is a learned trait. Reading Hemingway can help with it. Reading your own prose out loud after typing it can also help. Try reviewing this clause from the paragraph above:

"whether or not you're interested in continuing or not,"

One "or not" must go. Had you read this out loud, you might have caught it. If you can, read the letters of Hemingway or Henry James. Both wrote even the most mundane correspondence as if they were composing a novel.

Anyway, keep practicing. And, find a style that fits, so you can play with the sentences and such and still be recognized. Then we'll want to read it.

Answer 2

They killed someone...didn't they? I like the mystery behind it. but ummm. the flow of some sentences are a little off. I'm no expert in grammar, but I read a lot so. you might want to revise some sentences.
And, if thats the opening part of your book, then you should also revise that. something is definitely off when it comes to the portryal of some things,, the fear of some people. the way they feel.
you might want to open your book with ummm, a stand out memory from the main character.. anything... just not that. sorry, if i said too much..(i just like reading a lot)

Answer 3

I think writing is hard work to put this out there you may end up to disappointed to continue but don't practice makes perfect editing cuts to the core.
1st you describe the women as fat and Oren as tall etc.if this is cut out of book your working on wouldn't both of them have been described earlier.In that case there name should be description enough.I do like the conflict between the two men stop and asses the situation.Or take action primal responce I'm interested how they may compromise the situation or if they split ways.

Answer 4

I like it; it draws me in.

I'll tell you the phrases I don't like:

Para 1 "In a small cottage at the edge of a forest" sounds too cliche-ish, like "it was a dark and stormy night"

I would change the last sentence of para one to: "Wide awake despite the hour, they were engaged in a debate."

Para 2. The word "complicate" does not match. Too modern and erudite maybe?

Para 3. "...his blankets." (Plural)

Para 4 "He wore a very calm and neutral expression..." is just awful. Too prosaic. There has got to be a better way to convey this.

But again, I like it LOTS and I want to keep reading.

Answer 5

It needs to be more clearly visualised.
Why do the cloaks they are wrapped in turn into blankets?
Why do you say they are sitting when later it seems some of them are standing or walking?
If they are huddled round the fire for warmth, how can there be enough room for one of them to pace in front of the mantlepiece?
Etc.

Answer 6

i love the voices! Oren sounds kinda dark yet hopeful sorta
I'm defiantly interested in the story! make sure the beginning is awesome though if i don't like the first two pages i don't read the book....
i love it especially the names their so.....medieval *i couldn't think of the word*

Answer 7

I would be interested enough to keep reading. This excerpt is too short to say about the voice,but I DO know people who speak this way,so don't take the realism comment to heart.

Answer 8

I like it, where is the rest? You have talent and you can write-like the way you understate for emphasis. I can almost see them writing a town charter or some document. Its noble. Voice is good. Makes me wish I'd wrote it.

Answer 9

Amaaaaaaaaaaaaazin. If really this is the first time you are writing then it is really good. and if something is good it has to be appreciated. Believe me you when i say that you have captured very small details also in your script. and this is the best part when you want to get hold of your reader and mesmerize him with making a virtual environment in his mind. Your script is really good. I want to read it more. See Yaaa. All the best.

Answer 10

I think the speech is a little too philosophical and over-intelligent. Nobody really talks this way, its more of a written style then spoken.