I know we need to split-- but how do I deal?

Question

Well, he's a drug addict & alcoholic. So was I, at the beginning. I've been clean for 3 1/2 yrs. He's always promised change but never has. We have 2 kids together & I've tried for years to help him. I'm a stay at home mom & don't have a lot of family. I think I'm in it for the kids. He's a great father & a good person outside of his "illness". He works hard & takes great care of us financially. He's one of those "functioning addicts". There are times when he comes home high or doesn't even come home at all. He's always lying & breaking his promises. I have an anger issue so, all we do is fight. I think I need to leave. I'm scared & don't want to hurt the kids.If I leave, I'll be a single working/student mom of 3 & my youngest(15 months) will be dramatised from the time spent away from me! Should I just suck it up & deal & let him continue & just pray that our fights don't hurt the kids. Or should I leave & try to be super woman? Either way it's going to be hard. I need encouragement.

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about your situtation. I'm in a different but similar one myself ( if you read my question). Tonight with my husband I simply told him I was leaving and didn't let up about it. I was seriuos too until he said that he would get help and if our situation ever happened again he agreed it would be best to go our seperate ways. Sometimes poeple have to lose that they have to realize how wonderful it is, even if you just scare him, stick to your guns though. My mom delt with an asshole for 20 years and he's BARELY realizing he messed up. Not having a lot of family is really hard too, it makes you feel like you have no one. If you love him let him know that, but let him know what you can't do anymore. I have a 3 week old and can't imagine trying to leave and make it work out I can't imagine how you must feel. If you would like to chat or "vent" please feel free to e mail me. [e-mail] Just remember you can only "fake" being happy for so long.
Good Luck

Answer 2

Drugs and alcohol don't make for a good relationship, something has got to give, he may be functioning at the moment but the body can't sustain abuse forever. No amount of praying will stop the fights and I would get the hell out of that situation especially for the kids. When you leave things will fall into place and you will get the support you need, take it while the kids are still young.

Answer 3

Seek help for handling your anger issues.
If aside from the habit, he's okay then perhaps if you could control your anger issues things might be workable?

Don't blame yourself for this situation, but recognise that it might be possible for you to turn things around.


If this won't change things, the two of you need to talk things over.
Assuming you can both do so without getting hot-headed.
"I'm not happy" is a good place to start.

It sounds like a tough decision, if he provides the kids with a stable life and is a loving father.
You don't say how you feel about him, outside the fights.


You need to think through what would happen if you leave - would you leave the kids with him (as you imply) or take them with you? Could you raise them yourself? Do you know where you stand in terms of beneifts available?


I think you can handle whatever decision you choose, you're clearly a strong person, but you have to decide carefully what is the best course of action. Nobody here can do that for you.

Answer 4

The best of both worlds is that your husband goes clean, and your kids stay with him. If you threaten to leave him, and can monitor him (you do it at home; get his friends and co-workers to, as well?). . But if he can't go clean, leave.

Your kids' life-chances are substantially, negatively affected when they lose touch with their father - no matter how super a woman/mother you are. This has always struck me as unfair, but it's a fact of life. The children of family A (where father is a bit of an all-round loser, give him 3 out of 10; and mother is a solid 10) don't do as well as family B (father 5, mother 5).

Anyway, I'll give you some help if you go it alone, by helping you buy some essentials (hey it's the time of year for good deeds).

Answer 5

If this man hasn't kept this promises to you after this long leave him. I know it is hard, I have been there and honestly you are strong enough to do it. The kids will be OK, and when they find out the reason they cant spend as much time with you then they will be happy that you are trying to make a better life for all of you. Superwoman, supermom, whatever the title you can do it. It will be hard, but you don't need him holding you down, and hurting you and the children in the long run. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

I am sorry to hear about this situation of yours. It is hard especially when there are kids involved. Judging from what you have written I believe that you already are a super-person. I suggest you leave this man and move on. It will be difficult, yes, and it will be hard but think of the long term and not the short term. Eventually the negativity will be replaced with hope and a brighter future for your children and that they not live the life that you and your partner have lived. Take care. I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

You can leave, and you and the kids will make it- I almost lost my kids because I kept "trying"

We had always argued, but our love for each other kept us together, day of getting married I found out I was pregnant with our first baby together- he also had two daughters he was raising on his own when I met him so I thought he would be a prefect father- anyway, he introduced me to meth, oh and he was also a recovering alcoholic, dry for 4 years while he had his daughters with him. Anyway it was play twice a night every six months, I was fine with that ( I was only company while preggo, still bad I know, but at least I wasnt doing it myself). But then we moved to get a "fresh start" we got a fresh start alright- the fighting became much for physical, the drugs became every day to him, I was leaving the apartment every other day, at one point leaving for a month with our two youngest kids. I could not take the two older because they were not legally mine. anyway I came back, as always, the fighting was still the same.. stuff happened, one day the electricy got cut off and the cops got called. this was not their first visit, and arrested him for being high, and took the kids away from me because I would not leave the situation. They said pick him, or pick your kids. I said I want my kids, so luckily my parents came and took custody of the babies while I went through the system proving I was not also on the drugs. I got my kids back.

My ex husband was not a functioning addict, I do not know how we survived as long as we did. All I can say was that it was the grace of God that kept us afloat while I prayed every day for things to change. It was answered, but I could have completly lost my kids.

Please do not wait like I did, there are *many* places out there that will help you and if you are clean like you say, just like I said, (no one will believe you)- but if you are really clean and go through the system, they will do everything they can to help you out of a bad situation.

Answer 8

There is no doubt it will be hard, but you should know already that you are a strong lady, after all you have managed to kick you habits whilst your man has kept his going which would have been fr from easy. Think of the the future with him, your kids are not only going to witness your arguments but also be on the receiving end of your drug and drink fuelled mood swings. I think that would have a more damaging effect than their mom being away from them building a secure, stable and happy future. At the end of the day the only person who can help your man is himself. Who knows maybe it would be the catalyst for him to clean himself up. Stay strong and go for it. x

Answer 9

Firstly, well done for staying clean for so long. Secondly, I would wait until after Christmas to do anything. Then, I would sit him down and tell him that the drugs have GOT to stop, for the sake of your kids. If after that he isn't prepared to sort himself out, I think you're gonna have to leave him. It's just not fair on the kids otherwise.

Good luck and I hope you have a great Christmas xxx

Answer 10

Your kids are already being traumatized. You and your kids need to get away from him. We as parents need to put our kids first. Even if that means being by ourselves. Sometimes I think we're actually better off by ourselves. When we're in relationships that cause us pain and unhappiness I think we need to get out and be alone for awhile. If we go and jump into another relationship we usually end up with the wrong people all over again. You are on the right track. I think you're just scared. That's understandable, but don't let it stop you from doing what you need to do. You know in your heart what comes next.