Is this feeling normal?

Question

I have been married for almost 3 years and have an almost 2 year old daughter. I care about my husband a lot. But there are a lot of times when I just feel like I'm going to go crazy because of the way he acts. He works outside the home, and when he comes home he seems to think his work is done...he doesn't help with dishes or our daughter or any household chore that needs to be done. I am in my 2nd year of music school and I have a piano studio I run out of our home and am also a pianist at a church here. My husband seems to think that because I'm not physically out of the house for 8+ hours everyday that I'm not "working", when in reality I am exhausted from working on my music, trying to keep up with the house, taking care of our daughter, teaching and staying on top of the music for church. I've asked him numerous times to help. He only helps when I ask, and even then I can tell it's just to shut me up. He likes to be in control of all of our decisions.

I've mentioned wanting another baby. He doesn't want one now, so that's the end of the discussion on that. My wants will just have to wait. He comes home and goes outside to "piddle around" in his shop or stays on the computer. He never seems to think about spending time w/ me or our daughter. I am really getting lonely. I would like to be happy, but I know divorcing him would require me to get a full-time job which would take me away from my daughter. She is the most important thing to me, and I want to be able to take care of her as much as possible and not have to put her in daycare. Is this a normal feeling in marriage?? I don't feel loved and I'm beginning to think I'm not in love with him, either. Please give mature, serious answers. Thanks.

I bring in a good bit of money from teaching and playing piano, but it doesn't seem to be good enough. It's still "his money".

MORE DETAILS- I will not be unfaithful to my husband, but I have been tempted. I don't want a sexual relationship with someone else, I just want someone to talk to me and appreciate me. I guess I just want some attention. I didn't know that you could be lonely and married at the same time.

Answer 1

You are SO normal! I think this is pretty average based on my 20 years of marriage and too many conversations about spouses with my friends.
If a woman is lucky enough to have a guy who actually does his share of running a home and a family, she bertter hang on to him tight.
The rest of us... remember, we are the stronger sex, we adapt and do what is required. Hang in there girl -- just keep asking.
Good luck & Merry Christmas!!

Answer 2

Perhaps maybe you should slow down and stop doing it all. Decide what the most important thing is right now. Being married, raising a child and looking after the home is a lot of work alone, add a job, school and other obligations (church) and your looking for a breakdown. If you can't handle it now and are exhausted, then your doing too much, regardless of how much your husband helps out . A suggestion would be to cut the music school to half time, and drop or cut back on any other obligations (studio/church).
I applaud your husband for willing to help when asked and you should be grateful for that, men are not mind readers (honestly who is) and many chauvinistic men wouldn't lift a finger (he's proven that he is not). His disappearing act is happening only because the help he did do was not appreciated (yes they need it more than you know) and/or was demanded not requested, and/or was not good enough. Men do love to help out but if there is no appreciation for it why do it at all.
Above all where is your two year old when your doing all this, you can't tell me that you spend lots of quality time with her with all that you've got going. Where is the family outings, the romantic outing with your husband, the family vacations, the laughs and the love. You tend to blame your husband for your misery but is it really his fault your overwhelmed and going crazy.

Answer 3

Believe me you have probably just described half the men in the world !! What worries me a little though is that you are already contemplating divorce after such a short time married. I guess l have always been lucky with my husband as he has always helped out around the house and with the kids when they were little but l know of a lot who have not. Your husband sounds like a bit of a control freak who does what he wants, when he wants. If you have spoken to him about your concerns and he won't change then l guess you either just put up with it, he may get better once he grows up (mentally) or consider being on your own with your daughter. The choice is yours but l would think long and hard about what is really important to you before you make any rash decisions. Do you really love your husband and want this marriage to work ?? Think about that and then decide what you really want. Best of luck and Merry Xmas.

Answer 4

You are going to suddenly have a family emergency that requires you to be there right now and you have to go be back in a few days I love you BYE!... Let him figure it out. Who's going to watch our daughter? Why cant I find a clean dish? Where are my underwear? Where does SHE keep the.... This may mean that you must miss Church or Miss a Class and its not really a lie because this is an emergency he is not HEARING YOU! and so some things need to be shown. He will not appreciate you until he SEES it for himself. and Dont worry He is a grown person and he loves your daughter It may not be done the way you would do it but He will manage and He will be thankful when you come back to fix it. Make the Decision on your own to take control of your situation... Now this is hard because of the lie about the "emergency"...you need to view it more as a way to save your marraige you are not happy you are tired and you are feeling alone and it is only a matter of time when you find him scratching and putting his feet up when you havent sat down YET today to scratch anything that you are going to snap and say and do things that you'll regret. You need a break! Now its your choice if the truth of that can be revealed as you walk out the door for a much needed vacation. Emergency or Listen Hun I need a few days I will be in the spare bedroom with my feet up, with headphones, a cooler and a LOCK on the door. I am OFF for the next 3 days!!!! on strike, whatever.

Answer 5

Me and my husband made a rule. He has to clean the kitchen, dining room, do the dishes and take out the trash. I just do all 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, the living room and laundry. Yeah, I do a lot, but at least he helps with that. It is one less thing I have to take care of. There are times when he forgets to take out the trash and I am left doing it but he tries to make it up to me. On his day off, he cleans whatever extra he feels like cleaning, which is nice. How did I get him to do this? At first I always screamed to the top of my lungs on how lazy he was and how he never helped. Then I simply told him what his job around the house was going to be and that's final. I told him that if he didn't want to do them, then fine, they will just sit there and grow magets on it. Harsh? I know, but let me tell you, it worked for me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is just either talk to him and try to compromise on the work that needs to be done around the house. If he loves you, it shouldn't be a problem for him to compromise on some things he can clean. If he still feels that it is your job, then I am sorry to say, he is a real f jerk. No offense.

Answer 6

Wow. This is tough. Whatever you do, take your time to figure things out. Could you convince your husband to see a marriage counselor with you? If not, could you afford to see a counselor by yourself? I think talking to somebody would really help you sort through all of these issues. I have been married for 18 years, and alot of what you say is very typical of many men, unfortunately. They don't seem to realize how exhausting it can be to stay home all day caring for children, cleaning, cooking, etc. I know, boy do I know, how hard it is to talk to your man about sensitive issues. But maybe you could lay things on the line with him a bit. Tell him that he is not pulling his weight. That if he wants a life with you and your child, that he needs to be there for you, and spend time with you in the evenings. From my experience, the most potent thing you can tell a man is that you can live without him. Tell him you want him in your life, but if he does not reach certain expectations, you could live without him.

Answer 7

You need to ask him WHO would be taking care of everything with your daughter, cleaning your guys house, and cooking dinner IF YOU HAD A 8+ hour daily job as well. You know it would be you STILL.

He needs to help out and he needs to realize that being a mother/parent is a hard job, that it's not all relaxation and television for us mothers while he is off at work.

Answer 8

So, it's not working when you do it, but it is too hard for him to handle when he gets home? THAT IS CRAP. Next time he gets home, I would grab my car keys and hit the road. Go have dinner with some girlfriends and catch a movie. On Saturday, I would have an all day shopping trip. Teach this little man some respect.

Answer 9

He's a man, but not all men are like this....my husband works outside the home..I have a home business and he is very understanding about my work and he knows I WORK...

He helps me out with my job when I get snowed.....

However, I know what you mean about wanting to be noticed..At times all marriages go through this....mine has at times...but you have to get over that hill to get to the nice valleys....

Answer 10

I know a good response to him, dont do anything all day for as long as it takes, stop doing the dishes, cleaning, cooking dinner. Let him know the magical fairies that do the work are on strike. Then maybe he will appreciate how much you do around the house.