Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Question

When your spouse or significant other has an affair - why do we think it had to be something wrong with us? Something we did wrong? Why do we picture their new life and relationship as being something wonderful while we can only take things one day at a time? Is there anybody else who has been in this situation? What did you do to get past these feelings? Why do we think that their lives are so great?

Answer 1

It takes three good years to recover from such a betrayal. By then you'll realize you were only about 2% at fault and the betrayer was about 98% at fault. All relationships have problems... but when one has an affair, then one truly betrays and breaks the relationship beyond repair. So, remember this... sometimes you have to change the life you planned, in order to find the life you were meant to live.

Answer 2

Because it is a hard fact to deal with and we, as humans, try to look into every possibility of why there was an affair including blaming yourself.

If your spouse had an affair and now is leaving with someone else, let go and forgive him/her. It is not easy thing to do but you can do it and once you let go and forgive you can start concentrating on your own life and making sure YOU are happy again.

People do stupid things for different reasons. Don't worry about why he/she did something it is now in the past and done. Concentrate on your present and future and NEVER carry hate in your heart. Always forgive, if not right away, later then and then you will find peace in your heart.

Answer 3

We compare how we feel inside (rejected, abandoned, unloved) to how they look on the outside (loved, accepted, excited, new). We really have no idea if that's how the relationship is going or if it actually is a healthy loving situation. We only know we aren't in one and our ex-lover is.

Getting past these feelings is as hard as moving a mountain and as simple as opening your hand.

Try remembering that most relationships are like all things in our lives that we love. A good job, a fine home, a loved pet, a parent, a fortune are all things that can and often are taken from us at a moments notice. With the exception of our children these things and people move in and out of our lives like the tides. They were never ours to hold for a lifetime in the first place.

Try opening your hand. You will never be able to receive the next gift until you are ready to let go of the last one. And there are enough gifts for all. I promise.

Answer 4

My ex had a good way of turning things around so he convinced me that the affair really was my fault. He convinced me if I had been younger, prettier, more exciting, etc, the affair would not have happened.

The thing was, I really believed him for months! My self-esteem was in ruins. I thought the man I was married to for 20 years should know me best, so I must really be the one responsible.

It took me two years to get over the divorce. If I had just opened my eyes and seen what was really going on I could have been over it in two months!

I got over the divorce by finally realizing that he was a lying scoundrel and that I did nothing wrong. I learned to love myself as I am - old, plain, fat, what ever. I made an effort to push all thoughts of him, her, and the divorce out of my head by thinking of my own future. I went back to school and got my Master's degree. I got a huge pay increase at work. I started new hobbies and joined different interest groups. I made myself get out of the house and mix with other people.

Answer 5

The most of my feelings were pain and disillusion. I realized I could not trust my partner because he had to lie to me in order to carry on an affair with another woman. I could not get past the betrayal but I stopped blaming myself because I did not think it was anything I did. There are some people who do not know how to be faithful to one person because they were never able to trust people when they were growing up. You did nothing wrong, your partner just has some issues they don't know how to deal with, and until they learn how to deal with those issues, they will continue to have problems in any relationship. No matter how wonderful their new life may seem, until they resolve those old issues, the relationships will not last.

Answer 6

Been there. My ex had three affairs that I knew of. I felt lower then life. Why can't he love me? Why can't he love our child. What does she have that I don't. He started beating me, said he had no problems It was my fault for being a B****. Mind you, he drank, did drugs. I had to learn that the abuse, cheating, were all to make me feel lower and degraded. I went to counseling to help me get away from the abuse. Found out my life was much better then his because I was alive, my kids are alive and I've had every day raising them and learning how I can make it without him. He hasn't seen his children in years, still drunk, still on drugs and cannot remember what happened yesterday. So, get some counseling, think about the relationship and take responsibility on any part you may have had, change what went wrong on your part and then move forward.... Make a better live for yourself and stop worrying about what they have.

Answer 7

I am in exactly the same situation. The thing about it is they are moving on while you and I are still dealing with the fact that the rug has been pulled out from under us. We are laying on our back saying what the hell just happened, and they are out having drinks and walks on the beach.

The fact of the matter is that they were "out" of the relationship way before we were. They are months or years ahead of us in the acceptance of this. We just have to catch up.

Happiness is out there somewhere, maybe over the rainbow as Judy Garland would say. It is just a matter of us finishing the grieving process and finally moving on. It has been only three months for me, still more bad days than good, but the number of good days are increasing.

Chin up!

Answer 8

I think in the beginning everyone always blames themselves. It is hard not to. for me I just learned to move on and would tell myself everyday that I could do better. We always think we did something wrong and ask ourselves..."WHAT IF" but if you live with that you will always wonder. I'd rather not wonder and live and learn from my mistakes, cuz in the end your a much stronger person then you were when you were with the person that hurt you!!

Answer 9

You're right. It's stupid isn't it, because usually the person has just left the best thing they ever had. I seen many couples leave their spouse for someone else, and their new relationship usually ends up terrible.

Answer 10

In most cases I believe it's not all that. Just like the saying says, success is the best revenge, move on to a new relationship or dating partner, chances are you will end up better off anyway.