im 18 and hes 22..we both want a baby and we love each other alot...he is saying to me that having a child now would be ok without getting married. hes saying that if we rush into a marrige at the ages that we are we might not want to be with each other when we get a little older and more mature. because you do change as a person from 18 to 22. and if we have a child say next year and we raise the child until he or she if 5 and we get divorced because we chaged so much its gonna mess the childs life up. but if you we have and baby now and its doesnt work out it wont effect the baby that much. and he says he wants a dream wedding not just some bulls-h-i-t and he doesnt have the means right now to get that big ring and big wedding
2006-12-22 13:17:58 · 22 answers · asked by <3 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He doesn't think it's okay to rush into marriage, but he thinks it's okay to rush into having a baby?
That makes no sense! A child is a lifelong commitment. If you're not mature enough to get married, you're definitely not mature enough to have a child.
I think you should wait for both. And if he's really insistent about getting you pregnant, start using birth control without his knowledge.
2006-12-22 13:24:27 · answer #1 · answered by Iris 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First, you state that he said it is not good rushing into marriage until "you guys" get a little older and mature. Good words, but shouldnt that also apply to a baby? Granted, your old enough to raise a child, but at 18 y.o you should still be partying.
Secondly, You state that he said it is better not to get married because if 5 years from now you end up divorcing, the child will be emotionally disturbed. I am sorry to inform you, the child will still be distubed wether you get married or not. To have 2 parents loving and caring for him/her will still emotionally hurt him/her to know that daddy or mommie left the house and is no longer living under the same roof. You must understand that either way may hurt the child, married or not.
Thirdly, if he doesnt have the means to buy you a ring or pay for a wedding, what makes you think he will have the financial stability of providing for a child? A child is not less expensive then a ring or a wedding. A child needs not only love and attention, but diapers, clothes, a crib, food, a stroller, toys, etc. A baby is a huge financial responsibility.
Last but not least, it is best for you two to get married before having a baby. The order of life should be, love - marriage - then family. Really think about what I have said. You are still young and should be having fun with your life. You should have a baby when you are financially ready and have a degree that you have worked hard to achieve. Then, only then, will you be able to give your baby anything she could ever want. Trust me on this one sweety.
Best of luck to you in whatever decision you make.
2006-12-22 23:21:22 · answer #2 · answered by Leyanis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, his ideas do not make sense. And the fact that you're having doubts about what he is saying means you are using your brain. Good girl!
For one, if you want to get married, you can get married. Wanting a big wedding is no excuse. If he doesn't have the means to have a big wedding, he doesn't have the means to support a child. A marriage is real WORK between two people. Not a dress, a ring, and a big party. Too many people spend 99% of the time planning the stupid wedding and give little thought to the actual marriage. That's why more and more people are divorced.
And a child is even more responsibility than a marriage. If you end up not wanting to be married to someone, you can divorce them. But what do you do when you realize what it takes to be a parent? You can't divorce your child. And ditching them with a relative (or even worse, in foster care) can be traumatizing. Much more than if their parents divorce.
Also, if he acknowledges the fact that there is room for growth and maturation, then what makes either of you think that you're ready for a baby?
Besides you're only 18. If I could be 18 again...oh man. I'd take advantage of being free. When you get older life holds you down, and your dreams just become ornaments of your imagination. I know there are lots of teen moms out there, but many of them wouldn't choose to do it all over again if they had a choice. Why be bogged down with having to work to support the baby (obviously your bf is broke since he doesn't have money for a wedding), childcare, sickness, and all the other things that come with being a mom? You should be in the club or out with your girlfriends if you're 18. Not burping babies, wiping butts, and dealing with the babysitter.
Go to college or trade school. Travel. Do anything. You have time. It's not like you're going to dry up anytime soon. I don't know you, but I'm sure you have lots of potential. You are more than just a baby maker. And if someone really cared for you, he'd honor and uplift you by asking you to be his wife, not just his "Baby Momma".
I urge you to consult an older person in your life that is mature, has life experience, and that you trust. If you don't have anyone, consider contacting the pastor of your/a church or his wife (or whatever the equivalent is if you're not a Christian). Get outside perspective.
Be Blessed!
2006-12-22 21:54:55 · answer #3 · answered by Midoria 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Things do change during your life thats why people get married.....it's a commitment to stay together throughout the changes and grow with each other. His reasons aren't bullshit if you don't want to get married at all. There are too many people that just decide to have a kid ......if he wont commit to you why would he commit to a child he's never seen?
You should think about this a bit before you do it....and then if you do get married first. If you do that way you know that no matter what the baby is protected.the child has the fathers names if so desired and the father is responsible as well an the mom.
2006-12-22 21:34:38 · answer #4 · answered by Bill O 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What makes you mature enough to raise a child, but not get married. Raising a child takes a strong committment from both parents. Not only that, you are involving an INNOCENT creature. It's tough raising a child with help. Do you know how much harder it is on your own??? Unfortunately, that is a reality of your life no matter if you're married or not? It could happen. You are way too young to even consider the situation you've asked us to ponder. Do not become pregnant!!
2006-12-22 21:47:52 · answer #5 · answered by So lyrical 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If a man is not willing to commit to you enough to MARRY you he is not committed enough to have a child with you. PERIOD! If either of you think for one second that you might not want to be with each other when you get older you have no business bringing an innocent child into this world. Raising a baby is HARD WORK even with two parents involved. You have no idea the stress and heartache and pain you are thinking about bringing on yourself for this BOY who doesn't even care enough about you to call you his wife! It's going to mess up a child's life for you to separate whether or NOT you are married! It sounds to me like this BOY is not planning on being around for the hard work. He only wants the fun. You would be a fool to go through with this plan. You know it doesn't make sense or you wouldn't be here asking our opinions. The best thing you could possibly do is BREAK UP with this loser and move on to a real man who isn't afraid of commitment.
God bless you!
2006-12-22 21:30:36 · answer #6 · answered by Pamela 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think you seriously need to rethink this. You need to be preparing for a career, not for a child. Get a good job first, having a baby right now is not a good idea. Your bf is telling you he's not sure about his future with you. You need to realize that before you go and do something stupid like getting pregnant on purpose. Get your life together first. Then when you're a little older you will know when it is the right time and the right person.
2006-12-23 00:00:56 · answer #7 · answered by mamabear 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a crock of crap this guy is handing you! Don't believe it. If you want to have a baby, then get married first and then have your child with the man that's going to love, cherish, support, and forever hold your family together. That's the commitment. He's isn't saying anything about commitment. He just wants to get in you panties and leave you holding a kid. Don't be stupid and don't make the same mistake a lot of our white and black brothers and sisters have made. . . for your child's sake.
2006-12-22 21:41:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know it doesn't make any sense. You seriously, seriously need to break it off with this guy. If you continue on with him, he will continue to string you along. He wont marry you, but he'll have a kid with you, just to keep you with him, until he's ready to throw you and your child away. He doesn't want to commit. You might love him so much, but if he loved you he wouldn't be trying to pull you in to some bull. This is your life, don't be with someone, who doesn't love the way you love.
2006-12-22 21:34:13 · answer #9 · answered by Lovebug123 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's just talking crap! Having a child is a lifelong commitment. if he can't even commit to a woman like u, i doubt he would be able to commit to a child. Please enjoy your youth while u still have it. Once u have a child, and he strays away, u will be very hurt and dejected. u may even fall into depression. is it worth it by then?
And im puzzled why he is so keen to breed more illegitimate child into this world? Tell him, the world have more that enuff of that!
2006-12-22 23:39:02 · answer #10 · answered by Fuzzy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋