Am I just being Insecure?

Question

I've been with my partner nearly two years and we have a great relationship..are even planning to get married soon. Thing is, my close friend is extremely attractive and they get on really well. Knowing that she's much more his normal physical type than me and seeing how well they get on together makes me wonder sometimes , is he harbouring secret feelings for her? I dont have great self esteem to the point I don't consider myself in any way attractive at all so I could just be being insecure..but would there be any give away signs?

Answer 1

A give away sign would be your friend spending too much time and tagging along with you as a couple all the time. Otherwise see her seperately and keep her away from your partner. Why don't you ask get your partner to fix her up with one of his mates?

Answer 2

You know, being a classic beauty on the outside often hides a very insecure person inside. The expression 'beauty is only skin deep; is absolutely true. I've always considered myself to be a 'plain Jane' at best on the outside.
If you wonder if he is harbouring secret feelings for your friend that is a reflection on you, not him He's with you.......if he wanted to be with her you'd know.
When I read questions like yours I often wonder if the asker is looking for excuses for a way out. Plenty of people will say 'hey, yes, the signs are x,y,z' Seldom do they say...look within yourself, why are you asking that question? You can not have a relationship with your boyfriend if you are always going to try to second guess that any female he is friendly with means he's harbouring 'secret feelings' for. That, over time, will build into a whole jealously cycle and would kill the realtionship anyway. All healthy relationships need to be built on trust.

Answer 3

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Answer 4

Your attractiveness is distinct from your self-esteem.

The truth is, people don't perceive the real 'you' directly (the real 'you' that is the object of your self-perception),
people react to how you interact with them, how you appear, and how you make them feel.

Even a self-loathing wimp can acknowledge that they have certain attractive physical features, and can have engaging conversations with their partner, and can therefore work out that their partner will perceive these things, which will generate in said partner feelings of closeness and attraction.

Therefore, despite your low self-esteem, you can rationally work out that your partner finds you attractive.

Even if your low self-esteem seems inconsistent with your partner's perception of you, you can accept that their perception arises naturally.


As for the self-esteem, might I suggest you buy and read Martha Beck - Finding Your Own North Star.
Pay particular attention when she talks about the 'Generalised Other'.
I've not seen any other author deal with this, but she's absolutely right on the money with it.

Answer 5

The signs would be " He would be with her if he liked her" Why on earth would u think she more attractive than u, just make the very best of yourself,that way ur self esteem will get better.

Answer 6

You have to deal with the real world. Your partner would probably like to bang your best friend. She may want to bang him. However, he wants to marry you, and she wants to remain your friend, so they probably won't. You need to make sure the person you're marrying is willing to make that sort of commitment/sacrifice though. So many people get married because it's romantic, they like each other and find each other attractive. Even that is a lot of boxes ticked, I grant you, but it ain't enuff!

Answer 7

u know , its what i keep saying in here
we cause the problems
why on earth are u making this scenarios on ur head ?
he is with u isnt he ? would be like not going outside the house because u know u have an accident .
oh people comon , stop this nonsense of "if"
enjoy ur relationships which have no problems because if u go on like this u will have many .

have a nice CALM xmas and show ur man how much u love him !

Answer 8

Well,if you get along great and have a great relationship that you say, I would think he is interested in only you...but if there was something going on between the two you would be able to tell, if you look close enough...

Answer 9

Serephina, i think deep down you would know the answer yourself. I think we all feel a little insecure sometime it is a natural reaction. Be strong. Remember!! beauty comes from within.

Answer 10

everybody has self esteem issues you me your boyfriend your friend, we all have a bit of paranoia its healthy and good for a relationship because it means you care about the other person. there are no giveaway signs, just you make sure she knows he is yours