Why do 5 grown married children keep themselves distant from aging parents(76 & 80) in good health?

Question

They are all free of drugs, don,t smoke and only social drinking. They live in their own homes. We have been good parents, helped each one out as we seen the need. The youngest son, the most.This year the oldest son came to us in tears, bottom line,borrowed $85,000 and at his request, interest free. Now because we tred to tell his Venzavelian wife if she would cut the maid service she could save more. We were all sitting around the table,son included and their 3 children. Not a word was said then, but later I learned that I offended her, and now we are no longer welcome in her house. This was July 4th. What a mess.

Answer 1

You sound like a intelligent person and have managed your finances to have a little security. That's how you come across to me . The tongue lashing ,literally I want to give you for giving your son that kind of money . Also, for not making him give you a note for it ( an I.O.U.) which you did not mention but I bet 'ya I am right . And to do this interest free at his request is just another indication of how spoiled he really is .
It's too late, you did it and let's hope you learned a lesson. The money, well, you may as well write that off . You'll never see that again . I pray you will not need it for your own bills .
Now to the wife . If I were in your shoes I would absolutely do nothing. Why on earth should you apologize . If my mother - in-law gave me that kind of money I would kiss her feet . What an ingrate . She could very well over spend and all the money your son makes is squandered .Or maybe she is sending some south to Venezuela to her family .
Promise yourself never, ever to give anybody a dime no matter what . And if you don't get the money back from him, cut them out off your will and be firm.
Good luck

Answer 2

A lot of things that have been said here are absolutely correct. Bad parenting is out of control. Role models are horrendous examples. Respect for authority is dimming daily. But how do we change it? There are so many good kids out there who don't get any credit for being good kids, and I think that we have to do our very best to encourage them and to support them for not falling victim to today's popular standards. The change in society in our lifetimes has been monumental and we don't understand some of the pressures that kids are under these days because those pressures didn't exist in our day. The sixties, where we tried to make some good changes are long gone, and the leaders that we had then have disappeared into the mainstream for the most part. There are no young role models or leaders out there encouraging our young people to make this a better world. We have to hope that soon, someone of these good young people will have the courage to step to the forefront and try to teach their peers that there is a better way to live. That they have to take charge of their lives and make this a better world for their own children. I have to believe that the world will turn again someday, and that lives will be better for everyone. We can't give up hope for their futures.

Answer 3

I don't know why they would be that way.Pardon me for saying so but they suck!!!.It kills me to here people treating their parents that way.I am 34 and don't go a day with out talking to my parents on the phone.I spend every birthday and holiday with them and go over to their house at least 3 times a week.I handle all of their financial,legal and medical affairs.Not to mention help clean the house and cook.And I do all of this even though I haven't exactly been treated well by either at times.My Mom did the best she could trying to raise 9 kids on her own because my Dad was a drunk for a very long time.But despite all that has happen I wouldn't not be with them.They are the ones who gave me life and I love them for that.You shouldn't take any crap from you sons wife.obviously she wasn't to offended she didn't give the money back.People usually get their maddest when they know that what the other person says is the truth but they just don't want to admit it.I hope your kids realize how lucky they are to have you while you are here with them.And not when it is to late.Good Luck!

Answer 4

Definitely a mess, but nothing for you to feel badly over. Your kids are saying they want to stand on their own. You taught them to do that. You have to make limits as well. Helping is not getting them out of financial jams when they have lived irresponsibly. Helping is giving them the space they need to realize what they should be appreciating. You should let go and enjoy peace and joy you have denied yourself from trying to be everything they need. Things happen how they should so maybe God is giving you a chance to live without being so wrapped up in their burdens.

Answer 5

I find it quite strange that you felt the need to mention that you said "his wife" not your daughter in law and also made a point to mention his "Venezuelan wife" why is her nationality so important. This leads me to believe that you have treated her with less than respect and kindness in the past. And even if not openly she has sensed it. And since your son is married to her, he obviously loves her and you have no control. Perhaps you should call and apologize, even if you do not feel you did anything wrong. And this should mend the relationship. So you will have to decide what is more important being right or having a relationship with your children and grandchildren. And maybe even make an effort to treat her as a "daughter in law" and less like his wife. God bless****

Answer 6

The fact that you called her "his Venzavelian wife" and not just "his wife" make me think you may have a problem w/ her... Sounds like you have a lot of money, maybe they feel you've been trying to control their lives w/ it... Maybe apoligize to her, even if you dont mean it. Maybe they are not as well off as you and feel ashamed... Or maybe they are doing things you dont know about.. They probably all have seperate issues... All you can do is let them know you love them and make the effort to right the wrongs of the past and hope they come around...

Answer 7

I am very sorry for your pain. I can only imagine what that is like.
I mean no disrespect but it sounds as if they are spoiled. But maybe that is spilt milk. I would not be giving them any more money. The daughter in law sounds as if she wears the pants.
I see no easy solution. But please try to find joy in other ways.
Good Luck and Merry Christmas to you!

Answer 8

First, big mistake to give kid $85,000, no interest, and probably no paper on it either....Get paper, and get a payment plan.

And secondly, kids are never grateful, they just aren't. However much you do for them, it is never enough. If you are expecting thanks, forget it. But get paper on your loan, and change your wills.
Let him know that it is being changed, too... Don't tell them how you changed it, or any detail, but do indeed change it and tell him that it has been done to a very unfavorable degree to him.... That might get his attention. You guys are being walked on... to be expected, but don't allow your unsecured loan to continue.... Get an attorney if you have to... They don't respect you now, you have nothing to loose by proteching your 'investment'.

Answer 9

Thanks for your story.

In today's pop. culture, family is a 2nd rate institution, and there's a (missed) opportunity of how to raise your kids, AND how to consider the elders of the (extended) family.

I'm in my mid 40's and my parents are needing help. As an example for my own kids, and common decency, - I'm there for my parents.

Doing the right thing works well for me now, and my kids in the future. - Even when I'm old(er).

Answer 10

u made a mistake in giving that kind of money to them, and wait till the other children find out, that will cause some jealousy. they have certainly treated u with disrespect, stop bailing him out, just accept it, but i would for sure take them out of your will for breaking your hearts.