Why do men look for someone to" talk to"outside the marriage?

Question

I recently found some e-mails sent from my husband to a female co-worker. On her e-mails i don't actually see anything weird but on his...he starts his e-mails by saying he feels lonely , he says he wants to continue the e-mails because sometimes he wishes to talk to someone and he is glad that someone is her because she is a very special person.By the way my husband is 43 and I am 27 and we have 2 babies together. So I actually talk to him and asked him about the e-mails and he denied everything , even writing them he actually got mad at me and said that i had no business reading his e-mails .The day after he admited to everything and said he didn't mean anything with the e-mails , he says he wasn't looking for anything from her and that it was just a stupid thing he did for which he is sorry , he says that it was maybe just the feeling of being out there again and trying to prove to himself he still got it. But I still don't understand why he did it , do you?

Answer 1

The first thing you have to ask yourself; "have you done everything to communicate with him"? Everything on the surface may seem fine, but there is obviously something in your relationship that is motivating him to continue to get attention outside the marriage. I've been married for over sixteen years, at times I feel that my wife is not interested in me anymore. I try to tell her to open up and try to be the communicative person that you should be when you are a couple. However, sometimes it just doesn't "click" and the frustration level raises. sometimes if you see that another person is willing and able to listen to you, wether it be a female or male, I can understand that your situation; it's a female that's giving him the attention. It's normal to get jealous, hell, I'd be too,if I read intimate chatter that they are exchanging; you have the right to ask questions and don't fall for the "invasion of privacy crap"; he's hiding something, perhaps ever more than you think. Just take a quiet moment and sit down with him, one to one. Look him in the eye and tell him whatever he tell you, you will understand him and are willing to move ahead and forget anything that happened from this moment on. Tell him that you have built a relationship together and have two wonderful childeren that you want to raise together. It's soo easy to get divorced, I think it's the ultimate cop-out and that's why believe that so many people take that route. But you are not going to do that, you are going to stay married! Make him be very honest and tell him that whatever he tells you, no matter how horrible, it's all good. I was wondering how your physical relationship is? Do you give him attention sexually? Do you make him feel that he's the most important person when you are making love? Do you look into his eyes and not keep them closed ? You have to ask yourself these things.Sometimes things happen for a reason and look at this as an oportunity to correct the ship; before something worse could happen. Remember one thing, peole get infatuated; thats a human traight; it will wear off and he'll see how wonderful you are........

Answer 2

Sorry honey but when any man or woman looks for someone to "talk to" outside their marriage and that person is someone who happens to be the opposite sex, and someone you don't know? Well it's not a good sign about your relationship.

It's good to have friends outside your marriage to confide in, but your spouse should be your best friend. It sounds like he's not content in your marriage. Now I'm not saying this is your fault, it may very well be his or both of you, but the problem is you both aren't communicating about it.

You've got a lot of warning signs here and honey do not let him just push it aside like it's not a big deal and this it's just something stupid that he did. Because he LIED to you and I don't know about you, but in my book if my husband LIED to me that's a BIG DEAL. I also would expect a better explanation than that it's just something stupid he did to prove he still had his mojo.

He intentionally talked to another woman behind your back, then lied to you about it and then just pushed it off as something stupid. Gimme a break, he's 43 with two children and that's juvenile bullcrap...he's obviously unhappy and is looking for something from someone that isn't his wife.

Another thing is be honest with yourself, nobody just "finds" someone else's email. You snooped and that's just wrong, even though he shouldn't be hiding stuff from you, his wife. But it's apparent that you already felt something was up and that's why you went looking for evidence and you found it.

You felt the need to mention the age gap between you two which says that be a factor in communication or understanding each other. But you have 2 young children together and I'm sure you love your husband. My suggestion is that you sit him down and talk it out with him.

Don't buy into that proving he still has "mojo" crap, that's only the tip of the iceberg and if he went through all that and lied to you just for that...well I'm sorry to say you married yourself an idiot. Whatever his excuse, it's wrong to lie to your spouse and it frankly reeks of the beginning stages of infidelity and I'm sure you now have trust issues and you're paranoid.

Sit down and talk to him and if that doesn't work try counseling. Don't put up with this bullcrap and don't believe for a minute it will go away or never happen again if it isn't addressed...good luck.

Answer 3

There is 16 yrs between the two of you...perhaps he was seeking validation from someone closer to his own age? He's middle aged and you're still a ways from that...it's natural for people, especially men, to become insecure when they hit that time of their life (that's why you hear so much about "mid-life crisis").

People hit middle age, realize the downside is ahead of them (aging, their looks and health are likely to begin to decline), and sometimes they look behind them and feel they didn't do enough with their youth or aren't where they'd hoped to be by the age they are...they may try to look younger or act younger or attract younger people, take up new hobbies, spend money they don't have, do things they may never have otherwise done, etc...

If he apologized and you feel you can trust that he's sincere and wont' do it again, then let this issue go and move forward...hopefully he'll feel that he can talk to you in the future and not desire validation from others...

Answer 4

He made be suffering from some type of mental atrophy. Due to the fact that all you guys ever talk about is kids and household crap.

Perhaps he feels like you are becoming to old for him and he is looking for someone younger. Or maybe he is just a normal guy looking for a little extra on the side.

I would guess you are not his first wife and that he probably left his first wife around 30ish because he wanted a hot young chick. Some guys treat women like they treat cars. They drive them hard and when they get a few miles on them they trade them in for a newer model.

Answer 5

The fact that he is 43 and married to a 27 year-old should tell him that he's still got it. Maybe he's being honest when he says it was just something stupid that he will never do again. It could be he was chasing the thrill and excitement of corresponding with someone new. Or, it could be that there are things on his mind that he doesn't feel like he can talk with you about. Or, he may feel "unfulfilled" like I do in my marriage. I say that because I can never tell my wife about my true feelings. She starts destroying the house and abusing and cursing me when I do.

Try talking with him on a deep and personal level when it is just the two of you--like when you go out to dinner or something. Pretend you are dating again. 'Just a suggestion.

Answer 6

Most men do not regularly seek people to talk about emotions with, so there is probably something your husband does feel is missing in your relationship. I can think of three possibilities: a) your age difference might make him feel less connected, b) he is in a mid-life crisis and no one will be able to really make him feel emotionally satisfied, c) your communication style might not suit his needs. I'm not sure that there is much you can personally do in this, except keep him talking honestly and maybe have him see a counsellor of some sort to find out why he feels lonely.

Answer 7

It sounds like a combination of things, and I think you've missed the bigger picture. Everyone needs someone outside of the relationship to talk to, there are just some things you can not talk to your hubby about.

I think that your husband cheated emotionally on you a bit here though, because he seemed guilty about chatting with her. I would get both of you to a counsellor as soon as possible, because you two seem to have some communication issues that may have contributed.

Work on this, do not jump to conclusions.

Answer 8

Men are rarely content and are always on the prowl for the "next great thing". He's lying. He did mean something by it! He took the time to write her, crying the lonely blues - looking for a bit of sympathy and whatever else he can get. Keep your eyes peeled - and your guard up. Just cuz he was busted, might make him a little more careful and sneaky. Good Luck - you'll need it!

Answer 9

For the same reason that you look to him for someone to talk too.
You know, after all day with the kids, and all you want is an adult conversation?
I think sometimes it is easy to forget that the other person has needs for a good conversation too, as opposed to simply being a sounding board for their mate after a hard day with the kids.

Answer 10

He probabaly told you the truth but that does not solve the problem I think you both should get into some marriage counselling before he lets those feelings take over and he decides to take his proving one step further. Good Luck honey.