Surrender
I usher in the air
And let it infuse my being
Defend my lifting limbs against
The placid lake
Floating rigidly
I watch the golden leaves glow
With the cool sheen of the night
Stars winking behind the brittle veins.
Beckoning me to join them
In their dance
Dusk to deathly dawn.
I turn away
The air breaks from me
I am alone
Inch by inch by inch
The water is advancing
Drooling on my limbs
Seeping between my eyelashes
My teeth
Demanding attention
Receiving none
Drowning in fluidity
I let myself fall
It is inevitable
Depths unimaginable
Purging lies and half truths
Absolute purity waits in solitude
2006-12-22 07:59:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
i really like some of the language you use and some of it i don't like it all. for instance i wouldn't describe the lake as 'placid'. it's overused since they made an alligator movie with betty white. really just find the stuff in here that's overused and cut it or revise it. there's not much which is very rare these days. also, try to work in an ophelia reference. she drowned in much the same peaceful way as the narrator of this poem (assuming you are drowning literally)
2006-12-23 19:53:13 · answer #1 · answered by Brento! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is pretty good - I especially liked "brittle veins". I don't really see how someone can float rigidly though, and how can something glow at night? I also don't like the word drooling, it's quite childish for something so serious. "My teeth" is also a little odd on it's own...
The premise of the poem is good - turning away from beautiful things to the solitude of death/darkness, perhaps you could expand on this idea in the last two stanzas? Maybe you could also add another 2 lines to the 2nd stanza and take one away from the 4th (if I turn away is the 3rd) to make it symmetrical? Just an idea, perhaps the symmetry of the poem would add to it.
Keep up the good work!
2006-12-22 08:07:10 · answer #2 · answered by Mordent 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From a word sense, it is quite good.... it gets better the further on it goes.... although from a personal sense, it makes me feel creepy.... I didn't like the word "drooling" though....
Oh, and Mordent, I can totally imagine floating rigidly if you're cold and/or scared..... and things do glow at night from the light from the moon... but yeah, I don't quite see the teeth either...
2006-12-22 08:08:48 · answer #3 · answered by Venice Girl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nothing trashy about this poem.
I like the liine "The air breaks from me"
I encourage you to continue with enthusiasm
In your solitude is your inspiration
Merry Xmas
2006-12-22 08:05:46 · answer #4 · answered by tillermantony 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That poem is great! Keep on making more, your headed in the right direction for a Scholarship or something good!
2006-12-22 08:09:18 · answer #5 · answered by mall_shopper_06 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes!I love it!I liked the words you used!It made me feel as though I could feel it,you know?Keep writing poems,you have a gift!
2006-12-22 08:04:44 · answer #6 · answered by nickia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very gloomy poem about drowning, but great imagery!
You definitely have talent.
2006-12-22 09:17:16 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like the 'drooling on my limbs' part. very unique metaphor. This is a very good poem. You should write more!
2006-12-22 08:08:00 · answer #8 · answered by teenwriter_25 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it it is not trashy by the way your kinda cute
2006-12-22 09:10:26 · answer #9 · answered by Fergies Girl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
personally, i think it is wonderful in the sense that i could vision it and feel it, i hope that was your intent, because it worked.
2006-12-22 08:23:35 · answer #10 · answered by iwondersoiask 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋