A passing cloud...
Drifting away-
Slowly out of my vision,
Slowly out of my life.
I watch it roll idly across the sky,
Marking every second,
Waiting for it to subside,
To return to the purity it had adulterated.
It shall leave no marks in my sky,
And I won't miss it -
Look at the invisible trail it's leaving behind,
Look at the unblemished azure shining through.
Soon enough I shall not remember...
For time will erase all signs of its existence.
Soon enough I shall forget...
And return to that pure and blissful oblivion.
2006-12-22 07:55:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Visual Arts ➔ Other - Visual Arts
omg. you really know how 2 write poetry. it really sways with the wind and is very captivating. you have the potentain of a real poet
2006-12-22 07:59:26 · answer #1 · answered by i RuN oN cHoCoLaTe!!! 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I think you've overused the '...' and misused the ','. I don't care about rhymes but I do about flows and this does not flow. It uses beautiful words but that's it. To me nothing much is said. I think you're trying too hard, using beautiful words to cover up for a lack of... something? Yeah, and the 'adulterated' doesn't fit. Perhaps it was too literal, too. Reading it out loud, i felt somewhat 'broken'. To me, each poem has a 'song' to it, and I just didn't feel it here.
In general, it just didn't sound right. I didn't get that feeling of lasting impressions, deeper meanings. However, I do think there s potential here to get better. There are quite a number of poems I don't like and some of them are famous published pieces, so why listen to me, right? Don't be discouraged and keep it up!
2006-12-23 20:27:19 · answer #2 · answered by g Myzo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This poem is not nearly as good as your one about the lake. It's trying too hard to say something and isn't coming up with much. If the cloud isn't important why are you watching it? Why has it adulterated purity? Why use the word adulterated? You can't have an invisible trail unless this trail is of something metaphysical, and as it doesn't mean anything to you then surely it can't have metaphysics associated with it.
Find something to say then say it! Don't ramble about trying to make nothings important by using fancy words.
2006-12-22 08:13:04 · answer #3 · answered by Mordent 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It would make more sense to me if the cloud was from a smoke stack.... some sort of dirty pollution cloud. Also, I don't understand why it's pure blissful oblivion that you're returning to. I don't equate pristine purity with blissful oblivion.
2006-12-22 08:01:39 · answer #4 · answered by the Boss 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's OK but this I think is better
Roses are red
Grass is green
If you laugh too much
You'll burst your spleen
LOL
2006-12-22 08:04:41 · answer #5 · answered by Binky 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a great poem. But opinions are opinions and you should submitt it to a poem book. maybe they will publish it for you.
2006-12-22 08:03:50 · answer #6 · answered by Shelby 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad... lose the word "adulterated" though... it sounds too affected.
2006-12-22 07:58:59 · answer #7 · answered by I hate friggin' crybabies 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In general, no.
Forget clouds, dude. Don't be all "poetic," and just say what you mean.
2006-12-22 07:57:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's better than average, I suppose.
2006-12-22 13:22:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like the poem i think it will work for whatever you are useing it for.
2006-12-22 08:04:30 · answer #10 · answered by Jennifer K 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋