My husband and I were high school sweethearts, we dated for 5 years and got married and have been for 3 years. Over the course of our marriage things have been rough. We've had fights, multiple seperations and very many difficulties. When things got rough, I constantly left and moved back with me family. I was selfish and immature and I hurt him very badly by constantly leaving. Over the last seperate, I even saw someone else for about 3 months. Now, I've recently given my life to God and have been working to show my husband that I really do love him. I see now that he is a great man and I want to love in all of the ways that I didn't before. But now he says that he doesn't feel the same way that he used to. He says that he's been trying to but he just can't. He's even met someone online . He told me about and said there was no sex, just communication, like he couldn't have with me. I've moved out again , because he asked, but he says he doesn't want a divorce. What do I do?
2006-12-22 07:00:08 · 35 answers · asked by Dazed and Confused?? 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Counseling... Counseling.... Counseling.
You said you're now a Christian... Well you should start by praying and seeking out Christian counseling. Ask him to go with you at least once or twice. Don't give up, God can do ANYTHING but fail.
It will take some time because obviously he's hurt and will need to heal from the drama, but if he's not asking for a divorce then you have something to be thankful for.
2006-12-22 08:07:54 · answer #1 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The ball is in your court, you decide. Do you forgive him, or ask him to leave? Do you seek counseling as a couple or as single. Either way healing the soul begins with you.
The internet is an enigma, a person can discuss intimate details of their lives with an absolute stranger and yet when it comes to Face to face interaction they can't beat themselves out of a wet paper bag. Ask you husband if he would go to counseling with you and if he'd give up the computer chat stuff.
If you want to heal the relationship you have to begin it over. Start with date nights. sex should follow eventually.
The "recent God Consciousness" stuff often creates rifts in marriages.. If you've been proselytizing to your hubby stop it. Find ing a higher power of his understanding is HIS choice and not something you should shove down his throat. My guess is this was likely the impetice for his to seek companionship elsewhere. You found "Jesus" or what ever diety you subscribe too. Frankly, all too often people that go off on religious tangents fail to recognize that they need to live in society 1st. Giving your life to God should not preclude living in the present with the people around you.
BTW, if you see a counselor together don't go to a religious counselor.. This will only make matters worse for the relationship if your hubby does not hold the same values as you.
Religion in a couple is one of the top 5 reasons couples separate and divorce. "Giving your life" to God makes it difficult to compete with as the other person in a couple..
it amazes me how many people answer your query but how few actually read the entire thing.. This is part of what is wrong in society people don't get the whole story from anyone.
You decide.. You are still selfish and immature, but you now have God, you still have immaturity and selfishness, God will not remove these flaws in your character just because you found "Him" ... character flaws such as religious arrogance, pride, egoism, fear stand in your way.. Being AT-ONE with God means being atoned with other people. This means leveling the pride admitting your faults and dealing with them in a realistic fashion.
You are the selfish one, you were the one that left first because of religion..
2006-12-22 07:12:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
As another poster stated, staying limbo is not the answer. You both need to decide whether to stay together and work at the relationhip or move on.
FRom what you have described you have really hurt your husband. The element of trust that you need a relationship may not be completely gone, but it has really been damaged. It would be hard for your husbnad to trust that you won't just hurt him again.
If you decide to stick it out and work on the relationship, I would suggest attending some couple counseling. There are hurt feelings on both sides and it will probably take some serious time and effort to make the marriage work (and have both partners be happy in it). As another poster stated, it would be a good idea to get the "best friend" element of the marriage back as well.
Marriage is very hard, but if you think this guy is worth it, make do what you can to make things right (for both of you). Good luck!
2006-12-22 07:07:49 · answer #3 · answered by bettygirl1128 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think the answer to that question really is up to you, your husband and your combined faith in your marriage. If he doesn't want a divorce but wanted you to move out, find out why. Is it a legal/materialistic reason, like he doesn't want the legal battle, or is it because he feels that it's still salvigable. I think that you got married so young, and both of you hadn't truly figured out who you were. Apparently your road to discovery was a little more in the open than his, if he's had one yet at all. You can't take anything back so don't focus on the past, keep going on the future. Either one of two things is going to happen, either you're going to get back together or you're not. You obviously want to, so figure out if he does. If he does you both need to work 150% together to make it work, seek counsling, work on things together, change a little even. If he doesn't, then at least you know and you can start your road to moving on. It will be tough, but since you're with God you know he'll take you through it. Good Luck :)
2006-12-22 07:06:49 · answer #4 · answered by INS24106 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have you ever heard the saying "sometimes there are things said and done that you just cant take back".This meaning that sometimes you have said and done things that do permanent damage in the other ones mind.
I have lived this.My wife has suffered from depression for many years, and some of the affects of this disease is feeling insecure and overly emotional.She said and did alot of things to me that even though I have tried I don't think I will ever be able to forgive.
You see these things done and said make it very hard for the other person to see past and let their hearts take light in feelings such as the ones of deep love.
This does not mean it has to be completely over for you guys.
It has taken a Long time for us to get where we are now.Yes, I did leave more than once and came back.
It will take you a long amount of time of you being solid and trustworthy before he will open up to accept the idea of you both continuing what you started.Good luck and what ever you do, don't repeat the same mistakes or you will loose him for good.
2006-12-22 07:11:26 · answer #5 · answered by vmaxer85 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'm sorry first of all. 2ed it is over.When i was 18-26 I went thru a 8 year relationship where i was very immature "he was to" we seperated 3 times before the final split. There were patches he wanted to work on us and where i wanted to work on us.... but we never seemed to be at that point at the same times and one person can't fix a marriage. It got to be where we had deep resentments against each other we really needed to be apart for both of us. Neither of us could keep going thru the hurt... the break up's the get back together it was just wrong emotinally. We are now 4 years later well better off apart.
2006-12-22 07:12:34 · answer #6 · answered by ally'smom 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Leave him ALONE. If he says it's not there anymore by all means move on with your life. Let your new found strength in God help you thru. It's tough but you have to stay prayed up. When you're feeling weak and vulnerable, PRAY. Turn to your family and friends for comfort and company. It's a 50-50 chance of high school relationships lasting thru adulthood. Seems that both of you may have matured and realized that you wanted to experience new things with new people, evidenced by the both of you seeking relationships with other people. Take this as a lost, learn from your mistakes, and move on to bigger and better things. It will save you from future problems if you two were to get back together. Word of Advice...It won't EVER be the same!
2006-12-22 07:15:37 · answer #7 · answered by 2boogi4u 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
As long as there isn't any violence in the home you move yourself back in with the promise to yourself that you will never move out again. I'm not sure you have ever understood the meaning of commitment. When you got married did you only plan on staying during the easy times? If you have given your life to God then you understand that this man is a gift to you from God and that you are to cherish him always. Not just when it is easy. He has right to be angry. You must allow him that for as long as it takes him to get over it. Also, no more internet. He must stop chatting. His online relationship is as much an affair as a physical one. From this moment on pray "without ceasing" that God will lead you both into the marriage that He intended for you to have.
2006-12-22 07:08:10 · answer #8 · answered by gtahvfaith 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm sorry you're going through this, but it appears to be a "too little, too late" situation. Your husband says he doesn't feel the same about you and the relationship anymore, and it sounds like he has just cause to feel that way. You've changed for the better and you now want to try harder...but this change came too late. Maybe your husband just needs time to think about what he wants and whether he feels it's a good idea to continue with the marriage. Give him the space he needs. If he chooses you, then great! But you need to be prepared for the possibility that he will choose a life without you, and if he does, you need to accept and respect his decision.
2006-12-22 07:06:46 · answer #9 · answered by Heather C 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he says he wants you out but doesn't want a divorce, well -- he can't have it both ways. He has to decide what he wants. Give him a deadline and hold him to it.
If you do get back together, I would strongly urge you to seek couples counseling. You two obviously do not know how to create a strong unit and you will have some issues of trust and betrayal to work through before you can ever have a strong unit. A professional counselor can greatly help you.
2006-12-22 07:03:53 · answer #10 · answered by Karen L 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋