Should I be more upset?

Question

This is related to my questions yesterday. I recently had a miscarriage but didn't even know I was pregnant till after it happened. I now know that I was carrying a child that my husband and I created but it died. I've known a number of women who suffered miscarriages and suffer they did. They were torn up about it and a few even grieved the loss of the baby. But I feel weird. While I'm a sad that our baby died, I'm not exactly broken up about it. Granted I didn't even know I was carrying a baby when I miscarried and my husband and I don't want children at this point, but is it wrong that I'm not really upset by this turn of events. Of course its sad and all. It was our first child. But I just don't feel all that horrible. Don't get me wrong. It did hurt to find out I'd been pregnant and miscarried. But that hurt lasted all of a few hours to a day. Am I in denial? Am I a bad person because I'm not that upset over losing a child?

Answer 1

You are probably a more well adjusted individual than the'others' you refer to. No offense, but most women are "Attention seekers" and 'the others' may play it up for the sympathy and attention. You apparently don't need that.

Answer 2

There are no right or wrongs when it comes to our emotions. You feel what you feel... point blank. You could very well still be in shock the loss is still very new. In a few weeks you may feel worse or you may came to peace with the loss and never suffer because of it. Which ever way you have "no reason" to try to make your self feel bad over something you had no control over. I lost my 3rd pregnancy at 10 weeks we had tried for 3 years to concive it was a fertility drug pregnancy. That pregnancy was so WANTED so damn hard to get i'ld thought i'ld die when we saw a baby no heartbeat on ultersound. We knew right away when we got pregnant we had tracked cycles done meds went to specialist everything so it was the hardest thing i even went thru. That was 2003 i now have a 15 day old baby we never thought we'ld have my older kids are now 9 and 11. I got pregnant on my own no meds. When he was born it brought back the loss of the other baby it was hard to see him not think of what might have been before. You might not ever feel bad till you are holding another newborn baby.

Answer 3

You can't control your feelings, they are feelings, what you can control are your actions and reactions, so by not feeling as sad as you think you should, you are only wasting energy! Now, if you went out and told some poor woman who had just had a miscarriage that she needs to get over it because it's no big deal, why then, that would be acting badly, and yes you might be a bad person. See the difference? Not everyone is cut out to have/love children, and if you can recognize that in yourself, and you made the decision not to be a parent, there is nothing wrong with that at all. As with all things, this may come back to haunt you at a later date in your life, but for now, don't focus too much energy on how you should feel, and instead just deal with how you are actually feeling. It's OK that you don't feel that horrible, but if you reveal that to other people, they may not be as understanding, especially people who might want you to have kids, such as his parents or your parents, so don't expect them to understand it and the best bet is to just not discuss it with them. I have two stepkids and two kids of my own, (and I lost a baby further on in my first pregnancy),so my point in revealing this is that I obviously do not share your decision to not have kids, but I can tell you that it is OK, whatever you feel is OK, sad, relief, normal, it's all OK, so quit beating yourself up!

Answer 4

Considering you didn't know you were pregnant, you didn't have the opportunity to bond with your unborn child. You are not a bad person for not being more upset. I had 2 miscarriages and was aware each time that I was pregnant. These both happened after 16 years of trying so I was extremely distraught over the whole thing. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Answer 5

My wife also had a miscarriage without knowing she was even pregnant. We were both sad for a short while, but never broken up about it. I felt a little weird for a while too as if I should have grieved longer or something. But, I'm not anymore. She is not either.

Maybe it's simply because there is no bonding. I don't know. I wouldn't worry about it though.

Answer 6

Absolutely not.

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. This was not something you wished upon yourself at this time. You also had no time to bond with the idea not knowing you were pregnant.

When you find $20.00 in your coat pocket from last year, you're like "cool 20 bucks bonus!" You're excited about it and it's a little neat. But say you take that coat to the cleaners and when you put your hand in your pockets all you get are shreads of paper resembling $20.00 are you going to mourn forever? Or say "crap, that sucks".

I know that it's not a human being like a baby would be but I hope you get my point. It's hard to mourn something that you didn't know you had. Not that it's impossible, a lot of people do it, but don't get down on yourself thinking you're a bad person because you're not one of them.

Answer 7

I think that it hasn't hit you just yet.... I don't think that your a bad person or nothing like that but one day maybe in a week or so it will slap the **** out of you and will probably be a lil depressed. Just know that the thought and memory of your first one will always be in the back of your mind. You will sometimes think of how things would of been like if you would of had the baby. I don't think that you should dwell too much on it, after all you didn't know and it wasn't your fault so don't blame yourself in anyway. I have learned that things always happen for a reason..... and you'll see the reason later on in life.....

Answer 8

When things like that happen,people react in different ways,you might not have dealt with it yet or it may be because you didnt know,werent ready for a child etc you dealt with it there and then,There is no right way or wrong way to feel,everybody is different and you probably only hear the stories from people who have been cut up about it,other people who are not so badly effected probably just move on with their lives,anyway thats my theory,take care

Answer 9

You should not think of yourself as a bad person. People deal with things differently. I lost everything I owned as a result of Hurricane Katrina and I have not cried once. I think that I was able to channel my anger and hurt into other things and I am fine. You have probably done the same thing and did not notice because you were busy trying to focus on other aspects of your life. Don't condemn yourself because you don't feel bad. Most people probably wish that they could get over feeling that way. Look at it as a blessing and move on with your life. God luck and God bless.

Answer 10

No you are just you. Only you can really answer that question. I think that its okay either way. Some people me for example don't grieve much. Although, I have been told I am very cold as it relates to having sympathy for others. So don't feel bad that your world is not crushed. We all react differently in certain situations.

Answer 11

don't beat yourself up over not grieving for years over it, maybe u aren't quite ready to have a child yet. and people grieve differently, what might take one woman weeks, took u only a day. u hadn't planned for it, nor did u even know about it, so no u aren't bad, don't feel guilty about it. had u planned and told everyone, bought baby things, and prepared for it, than yes u might feel alot worse, but u didn't even know about the baby.