For stay at home mom's and their husband... housework?

Question

I am a stay at home mom of two babies and two older children (meaning they are in school during the day) My husband works almost full time. My question is simple. Is it wrong for me to ask him to .... take the garbage out, change a baby, do some dishes, not through his wrappers on the floor...? I don't ask for the big stuff (like vacuuming or laundry) but a little hand around the house would be nice. He helps sometimes but for the most part he says that's my job and he doesn't need to help cause he's worked all day. And when I do ask him, he waits til the older ones come home and have them do it! That really irks me.... They pitch in around here and he just sluffs off his 'housework' on them so he doesn't have to do it. Does anyone else have this problem? And I overreacting?

Wow.. such a response. For all those people out there.. he does help some if his day hasn't been too hard. And he will help on his days off. Once a week I will go out shopping (by myself!) and when I get back he's gone mad. LOL. He says the babies haven't stopped crying since I left. It's times like that I ask him how he thinks I do the housework :) He's not totally inconsiderate and does say 'Thank You' when I do things for him, I just wish he'd help out a little bit more.

Answer 1

Not at all! In fact, didn't you just work all day too?

I'm talking from the reverse too! I was a single dad for 5 years...full custody... self-sufficient but there's just as many lazy women as there are guys!

I'm so lucky my wife is GREAT! We share all work....all.
I do laundry and cooking but she also helps me with the yard and visa versa... typically it's more fun if you share the work that way no one gets burned out and simply bored of the routine!

If he isn't willing to work past 8 hrs but expects you to then donate some money to the ole preacher and do some 3rd person objective counseling......... If you feel you are lounging more on your job then he is, then sure give him 10 hrs to his 8 but remember even if you aren't doing anything it is mentally taxing to watch over and be responsible for any child any age!

otherwise, remember you have a stronger power... hold back and it bothers us men more than most women.... remember you could just be too tired since you had to work all day and all night....
*smiles*


Good luck!
Merry Christmas!

Answer 2

It's a tough call, and although he sounds spoiled and selfish, a lot may be accomplished by changing your approach. Obviously whatever ways you've tried up till now aren't working. You may be asking very sweetly, or you may be nagging, I don't know. I suggest that you don't pick up after him. If his garbage is sitting around, leave it there. If his socks are on the floor leave them there. I once told my husband, if your dirty clothes don't make it into the basket, they don't get washed. Amazing how his socks make it to the basket, although not every day, sometimes they collect dust a day or two before he does it. Division of chores can lead to a lot of arguing and unhappiness, but the attitude that he has is what's so disheartening. If I were you, I would work 8 hours and then stop. So if you take a break while the kids are napping, log that as break time, and finish your 8 hours and then do nothing. When your husband asks you why you are sitting on the couch watching the kids fight and leaving your youngest in the stinky diaper, then you can tell him, oh honey, I already put my eight hours in today! See how long this lasts, maybe that will work after a few days, but you have to be willing to try it for a few days (of course, don't let your kid stay in the stinky diaper for days on end, but you get my point.) good luck

Answer 3

I am a stay at home mom also.But luckily I only have on child.But I do a million different jobs.I home school my son.And play nurse maid to him.He was born with a life threatening illness and get sick a lot.So that takes a lot of time to give him his treatment and such.But I also do all the housework,lawn,wash cars,take cars for servicing,trash,shopping and do the shopping,house work and pretty much everything else for my to elderly parents also.And my husband work a lot of hours so I can be home with our son.So I don't ask him to do anything.He offers every once in a while but I feel it is my job to do the house stuff because he earns the money to pay for it all.But everyone's realationship is different and If you feel you need more help than he should help you because a marriage is an equall partenership no one person should have to do more than the other but you know us woman always end up doing way more.We are better at multitasking then the men are.Good luck with your hubby.

Answer 4

Ok here is how we handle it. If my huband is working a lot of overtime. He doesn't do anything. At that point he is allowed to put his dishes in the sink and not clean up after the kids, but he does not leave his dirty clothes on the floor or leave trash and dirty dishes everywhere, because he is not a child, and I am not his mother. He is an adult and knows how not to be slovenly.

When he is working normal hours he:
Does all the yard work
Does the dinner dishes since I cooked
Bathes our 2 boys to give me a little time to check my email or pay some bills
Takes the trash out
Helps put away clothes on laundry days
And if the baby needs a diaper change or my 8 year old needs something he does it. He is their father and working outside the home does not replace that responsibility. The kids need to know he is there for them. That fatherhood is not working all day and sitting on your bum all night. They need a manly example to follow.

So sit down, talk about it. Have what you would like him to do, what you do, what the older kids do written down. Talk to him about the example you want to give your kids. You can work this out, BUT don't nag and gripe and drag him down. That doesn't work and it damages you and your marriage. Speak lovingly and he will respond.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Men and women think differently. He feels because he has worked hard all day, he should be able to just come home to a clean house and dinner on the table so he can just relax. To some degree he is right. Women/housewives feel, they have been home all day chasing kids, cleaning up after them, running errrands etc. Now that my husband is home, I can have a break. I think people in general fail to see the other side. He has no idea all the hard work you do all day, every day, and you do not see the mental stress or physical he is under while at his work. Communication is the answer. It may take some time to get your point across to him, but you must communicate without arguing or pointing fingers/blame. Don't complain to him about what he does not do. Let him know what all you do. He only sees what he sees when he comes home. If he sees a messy house, he thinks you didn't do anything all day, so why should he help. If you let him know you cleaned it 3 times that day because the kids kept messing it up, maybe he would have some compassion.

Answer 6

You are sooooo not overreacting!!!! I have the same problem with my husband. I stay at home and he works. I like you don't ask for a lot but, yeah if I'm cooking dinner and the baby needs to be changed there is no reason he can't do it. He still doesn't help out alot but does more than he used to. It took me going on "strike" to have that happen though. I did nothing for a week housework wise. The only thing I did were thing pertaining to my children (laundry, etc...) Finally when he had no clean clothes for work, no dinner at night, and the dishes were piled sky high he decided he didn't like living in filth and helped me out. You gotta stand your ground.

Answer 7

He should definitely help out, or at least not create more work (ie, he should wash his own dishes, clean up his own mess, etc).

So what if he works all day? So do you - babies are a full-time job, it's not like you're sitting there filing your nails all day. He needs to realize that childcare is still a job, even if it doesn't put money in the bank. He agreed to have kids, and he should realize that shifts your duties from housecleaning to childcare. So now he needs to split the housework with you. Certainly, have the kids help out all they can, but he needs to be a member of the team too.

Make a list of every single piece of housework, and how often it needs to be done (and when it needs to be done by, men and women tend to see this very differently). Make it detailed, include every single thing you do during the day.
Then organize the list - write "Mom" next to everything that only you can do, like feeding the babies. Put a "C" (for Child) next to every duty that your older children can and should do, like cleaning their room up every night. Write "Dad" next to every chore that is easiest for a man to do - like taking the trash to the curb. Leave everything else blank.
Then call a family meeting and present the list. Tell them that the babies, especially as they grow older, need more of your dedicated time, and that everyone needs to pull their own weight for this team to thrive. Discuss the list, and make sure everyone picks and signs up for a reasonable amount of work - don't martyr yourself and think "that's okay, I'll just do it." everyone should chip in, and they'll be more willing to help once they see, in black and white, just how much you're already doing.

Answer 8

yes, he should help you out. working doesn't excuse him from helping out around the house. Look at it this way: he probably works 8 hours a day, while you most likely work at least 18 hours a day...so who doing more? Just because he earns a paycheck for his work, doesn't mean his work is more important. But I'm guessing that's how it was when he was a child, and he probably doesn't realize how much you actually do. I know my husband seems to think we have a laundry fairy, but he sure notices fast when it doesn't get done! You need to sit down with him some night when the kids are in bed and explain to him exactly what you do, and why he needs to be more helpful. I don't think you're asking very much of him at all.

Answer 9

Contrary to what he may think you worked all day as well. And when five o'clock comes around you don't get to stop working. You still have dinner to fix, dishes to clean up, kids to put to bed, and maybe another load of laundry before you get to rest. AND you don't get weekends. IMO, your husband is being selfish and insensitive. In a few weeks, go on a vacation for a couple of days. Do this. Stop washing his laundry. Stop cooking his dinner. Stop cleaning his side of the room or where he sits at the couch. When he starts to ask about this new behavior inform him of your feelings and tell him that you will not do his share of the work until he pitches in and helps.

Answer 10

I work about 45 hours a week with a two hour commute each way. You better believe that when I get home, I'm not interested in house work. But I do take out the garbage and change the baby and I'm usually in charge of putting the baby down at bed time. Before we had kids, my wife was able to keep the house clean working about four hours every other day, while I worked a full day and fought trafic. You better believe she never complained about me leaving a mess or not helping out much arround the house. Obviously, with the addition of a child, things have changed, but she still respects that I work hard at what I do and it is all for my family.