Married 10 years. In relationship with her for 13 1/2 years. we have two daughters. This year, out of nowhere, I find out she is having an affair. I understand affairs happen because of something is wrong with our relationship. Prior to finding out I tried to find out what was wrong as she was acting differently. Now I know why. She wants to move out to be with him to see if it is the right thing without getting a divorce. I feel like she never gave me the chance to fix what was wrong in our relationship. She says the love she has always had for me is still there but its different with him. Do I let her go?
2006-12-22 04:29:28 · 37 answers · asked by Downinlex 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She has already left you mentally. She made up her mind that she loves someone else and wants to be with him. What good would it be for you to try and hold on to her?
If you were able to force her to stay then all you have is an unhappy wife who doesn't care about cheating on you. Is that how you want to live your life?
Let her go and move on with your life. You will be much happier when you no longer wonder about her feelings and who she is with.
2006-12-22 04:32:53 · answer #1 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell her she has always been free to go any time. Marriage is a daily agreement to stay together. If she leaves then so is the marriage.
Tell her that you don't know this other man and do not want your daughters around him YET and until the time everyone feels comfortable with each other you would like the children staying with you. Naturally she should be paying you child support until custody if more evenly shared.
Next discuss the finances and how to fairly split them with her paying her HALF. Remember that rent or house payments should only paid by the person living there and the same would go for cable, electric bill, water or anything else like that. HOWEVER, ALL credit cards should be cancelled and the debit be paid off with her paying half the debt. I would recommend take the burden of paying the bills so she will have to write a check to you each month. In the end she will be paying you child support, her half for paying off the credit cards and any debt.
What all this does is shows her that there ARE NOT FRESH STARTS. She can't just jump from one life to another and sticking you with the bills.
FYI, if she ends up with the kids half the time so to avoid paying you child support its still works in your favor. The other guy most likely can "PLAY" dad for a little while, BUT 24/7 will drive him nuts and eventually she will be forced to choose between her children and the guy, which will make her feel like failure of a mother and a person.
The only additional advice is be fair, BUT NOT GENEROUS.
2006-12-22 05:54:39 · answer #2 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her you want to go to couples counseling with her. You're right, it isn't fair that she never told you she wasn't satisfied or that something needed work before. Because how can you work on something if you don't know it's a problem?
If she is determined to go, then you can't stop her, but try to get her into therapy with you.
The affair could change for her if she leaves, and she'll probably be sorry she started it and separated. It won't happen right away, but I think if she leaves the marriage she will be worse off (and you will too) so you really both owe it to yourselves to try to work it out. Affairs are more like a fairy-tale relationship and usually don't last either, especially if the partners try to divorce and remarry. Affairs take place between 2 people who don't live together or share responsibilities. Once that ends and they try to live together, the romance of it and thrill is gone.
I think therapy is worth a try and could bring your wife back to her senses. If not, at least you know you tried.
Best of luck to you in this situation. I really hope she sees how wrong she is and it works out for you! I hope you and your daughters have happy holidays!
2006-12-22 04:46:02 · answer #3 · answered by kristin c 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in a very similar position. My wife and I dated for 3.5 years and have been married just shy of 4 years. We have a 20 mo daugther at home as well. I found out she was having an affiar and confronted her with it. Her first reaction was exactly like your wifes... "I'm at a cross roads in my life and I need to to figure things out." is what she said initially. I gave her some space for a few days, but realized that I could not look at myself in the mirror if I let it happen. So I sat her down and basically said... "You can have time to figure out if you want to work on our marriage... and when I say work, I mean BOTH of us. But, I will not allow you to continue to see him while you figure out something about our relationship. If the decision is not independant of him, then even if he is not right for you... what happens when the next guy is better/sweeter/richer/whatever. I will not be a second choice."
Do not let her make you a safety net. Do not allow her to cheat... you will regret it forever. If she wants to go to counciling and work on the marriage great, if not move on.
My wife's flame did not work out and now she is back... but I'm gone now. I think she forgot that either of us could end it. Sure the idea of not seeing my daughter every day hurts, but there is no way I could be a good dad wondering when the next guy would come along and break up my family.
2006-12-22 04:46:54 · answer #4 · answered by john_045412 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If this woman isn't committed to your relationship, and couldn't be honest with you BEFORE she had the affair by telling you she was having doubts, i don't think she's the right woman for you. If you let her move in with this guy without getting a divorce, its like she has the best of both worlds. She can go live with this guy, but she still has you to fall back on. I don't think it's a very good idea. She can only have one or the other, so she needs to choose. And it seems like she already made her choice by cheating on you. Let her go. There ARE decent women out there...
2006-12-22 04:32:37 · answer #5 · answered by sunkist3122 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, what do u say to this 1. I have been in the same situation as ur wife. I too left my husband (together for 8 yrs) for another man. This was because i was not happy with him for a while. We had talked about things prior to me meeting someone else but stayed to try and work things out for our 2 sons, but things never changed with me. Once i had made up my mind that was it for me. I just didnt feel the same anymore, i was unhappy and the spark between us went. This new man gave me butterflies and it was exciting for me and since we have been together for 5 years and have a beautiful daughter together. It was hard at first but now things r great. I honestly cannot c ur wife changing the way she feels for u as i would have never have gone back to my husband after i felt this way. Its a love she has grown with and from what iv been thro, i think its the spark shes been looking for. Im so sorry for ur heartache but i would let her go and make urself happy for u and ur children because the trust will never return and its much easier to look back than b stuck somewhere ud wish u had left a long time b4.
2006-12-22 04:41:48 · answer #6 · answered by sweetflyer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let her go because she is just keeping you around for a fall back incase this doens't work out for her and him..... Tell her she has made her choice and she has to live with it and file for divorce.....
The reason it is different with him is because it is new something different...... It will wear off and she plans on you being there for her to run too..... Don't let her use you like that because if you were faithful for 13 1/2 years to her and she wasn't then you deserve way better then that......... and think about the kids hun they don't need in be drug into a drama fest with her not being able to make up her mind..... I would file for divorce fast and start a new life no matter how hard it would be..... Good Luck
2006-12-22 04:35:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She didn't have an affair because of something wrong in the relationship. She had an affair because she CHOSE TO.
There are many options to choose from in fixing a marriage, but having an affair is definitely not one of them. In fact it just adds fuel to the fire.
It takes two to tango, & it may be fine that you want to work on your relationship with your wife, but in order for your work to have any affect she will have to end it with the other guy altogether, & it sounds like she isn't prepared to do that.
So if it were me. I wouldn't be considering "letting her go", as you put it. I would be kicking her a** to the curb, & suing her for divorce.
She married you 1st man, so she gave up the right to look around after the marriage, & see if she is doing the right thing. So I wouldn't be putting my future on hold so that she can figure out her future. She isn't thinking about "US" at the moment. She is only thinking about herself. So I wouldn't give her 5 minutes more to figure out what my future would hold.
She betrayed you.
Good Luck!
2006-12-22 04:42:12 · answer #8 · answered by No More 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is my story all over. Said he loved me but differently than he loved her. Was never given a chance to work things out. 6 years later I am divorced, have moved past the pain of those terrible times (although it does come back to bite me now and again).
You are going through a terrible time right now. You need to start thinking about what you want. You cannot make her stay if she does not want to, however, what if she decides to come back? You need to think about whether you want to put yourself through that. She has made a decision about how her life is going to be that affects the rest of your life. Stop accomodating her and focus on your needs. And, if she doesn't reconcile, you will heal and grow stronger even if right now you don't believe it.
Ok, I don't mean to sound harsh but you will get through this. Get counselling for yourself and your children, lean on friends and family.
Keep the faith. Go well.
2006-12-22 07:49:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If there are problems in this relationship, she should have attempted to work things out between the two of you.
You need to stand firm on your beliefs and inform her once she leaves, you will not put your life on hold until she comes to her decision.
This is so selfish of her and unfair to you and your children.
Besides, would you really be able to trust her again?
She wants to manipulate you because you are vulnerable, but no matter how much pain you are in, do not let her play this game with you.
Tell her there will be no second chances and you hope she is happy, but you have to do the right thing for you and your children.
2006-12-22 04:57:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, regardless of what your wife is doing or intends to do your first priority is to your daughters. You must take care of them and support them and love them no matter what. Think of your daughters first and your wife second. If she wants to move out to be with this other guy then she clearly does not love you as she once did or she wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. To allow her to move out to see if things work out for her is stupid on your part if you allow her to do this. She clearly is going to do this regardless of what you say or do. If I were you I would file for divorce if she does move out and moves in with this other guy. I would also file for custody of the two girls. Think about this. If she is going to act this way now and go with some other guy, why won't she do it again if this one doesn't work out? She doesn't love you anymore like she once did. This is clear.
2006-12-22 04:37:10 · answer #11 · answered by Lewis P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋