My marriage is failing??????

Question

I have been married for 5 yrs and have a daughter who is going to be 4 yrs old.My husband and i had a great first year of marriage but that was the last good year we ever had.When i found out i was pregnant my husband was not happy.Our sex life had always been really good and that continued till after i gave birth.During the 8 week period when i could not have sex he had an affair.I did not find out till a few months after.My sex drive came back better than ever after the baby but his dropped to sex mabe once or twice a month.I did everything i could started working out and went down to a size three again.I did not get stretch marks but tried everything to look my best for him.He told me it was not me because i was now tighter than before and he enjoyed it more he just needed time to adjust.Then came the porn obessesion that killed our sex life because he lost all intrest in sex with me.After that an affair with a stripper.We attended tharapy but that did not work.What did i do wrong?

I did everything for him to make his home life comfortable catering to him after he came home.Anything he wanted to talk about i listened too.I even hired a cleaning lady!

thankyou all for your answers

Answer 1

Get out and get out now. I've worked as a strip club DJ and I see these married men there. Usually it's innocent behavior... guys that need a change of scenery, but every once in a while girls will have affairs with married customers... his attraction to that type of relationship is it's completely commitment and emotion free. It's just sex... same thing goes with the porn... there's a total emotional disconnect there. You did nothing wrong and should not feel ashamed or guilty. In fact you did nothing to cause it. It's his problem and if he cant get his head back into the relationship you should separate or divorce... spending a few months with family will give you time for your head to clear. Going to the strip club or looking at porn really isn't a bad thing, but it sounds like in your husband's case that lifestyle has consumed him.... proceed with extreme caution! (and be very careful he does not abuse your daughter... protect her!)

Answer 2

You did nothing wrong EXCEPT, maybe not talking about childern before you married him. Don't sound like he ever wanted any. So you are being punished for being a mom. And he is having an affair and using your pregancy as an excuse to do it. You will not have anymore good years with him. Its a shame but this does happen to some people. You are just the unfortunate one. Nothing will work. He is not serious that is why theraphy did not work. He will hang around until he finds what he thinks is his next best women. No kids, all sex, and all about him. He is a selfish person. How did you ever get hooked up with him anyway. OH! I heard love is blind, you two just did not know how different you really were until you were married. If I was you, I would get the bills paid off, save some cash, get out on your own. It will happen anyway. You might just as well be prepared for it. Porn sex is the same as cheating on you. ! And not the sort of influence I would want to raise a child around. Who knows what a person like that is capable of. Do you ever worry about your daughter.? I would. Start thinking of you and her. Stop catering to him. He don't appreciate it. If he did he would treat you better. Good luck and don't sit around to long. You will just be waisting your time. So sorry. ....

Answer 3

The key issue is "When i found out i was pregnant my husband was not happy" for the first child. You and your spouse were NOT agreed on having that child.
Women do not "find out" that they are pregnant like it was a surprise. Either a couple KNOWS that they are likely to have another child OR they have agreed and taken specific steps to remove the possibility of pregnancy.

Conclusion: You were ready for children, he still is not. He is not reconciled to the idea of being a father, which is a very different thing from being a husband. Your husband does not see himself as a parent. I speculate that you do ALL the parenting for your daughter. That must stop.

Reality: In a family with children, the children get ALL the attention from their mother. In the process, the father is expected to settle for whatever time and attention is left over WHEN the mother quits thinking about the kids. When the first child appeared, he lost you to them for the next 25+ years (at least). A mother NEVER quits thinking about her children.

So. It's not about sex at all. It's not about body size nor stretch marks. You could have sex with your husband morning, noon and night every day of the week and it would not fix it.
You are expecting him to parent the daughter as you do and that's just NOT going to happen. This whole conflict is about the kid.

It will be a VERY long time (if ever) before this man treats his daughter the way that he needs to in order for her to grow up properly. There are things that a child learns only from a father.

Answer 4

You have done NOTHING wrong. I am sorry that therapy did not work. If you attend a church, temple, or other spiritual gathering, I recommend looking for support there, also I recommend seeking counseling alone for your self so that you are able to come to terms with any insecurities you may be feeling about your self. As for your marriage, I do know this. Sex is not everything but it is a big part of your early marital years. If the two of you are no longer engaging in sex then there could be a larger problem hiding. Some people are not equipped to handle being a parent. Your husband could be trying to deal with the fact that now there is a child that is dependent on him. If you did not talk about children before you married or before you became pregnant you may want to talk to him about it and find out if that has anything to do with the changes you have seen in him. He may feel that his life was "cut short" by having a child so soon after marriage. I do hope that things work out for you. Please understand that you have done nothing wrong and if for any reason you do not stay married, as people sometimes find that they are no longer compatible, than you have no reason for shame or guilt. Please do not stop trying to find professional counseling as I believe it will help you greatly. Good luck and keep your chin up!

Answer 5

I want you to understand that this is not your fault. YOU did nothing wrong. The blame lies within your husband. There is no answer to why he did this to you, only he knows the reasons. So do not emotionally stress yourself out over his choices and actions. There is nothing that you could do that can change him, only he can do that for himself. I would like to say that I admire your dedication to your marriage, as many women would have walked away when he had his first affair. But enough is enough and now you must do what is right for you and your child. Focus on yourself and continue to go to the gym and do things that you enjoy and are healthy for your physical appearance and your emotional well being. I would take the focus off of him and place it on yourself. He may come around and realize what he is putting at risk but some people never do until it is too late, others never come around. So may I suggest that you do what makes you feel good and let him deal with the consequences. Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

Sounds like u were the "perfect" wife. Catered to his every whim, looked after urself after having the baby. Getting back down to a size 3?? Wow!! Thats incredible, good for u!!! Some guys want to be in that thing they call "the thrill of the chase" And that wouldnt be ur fault or ur problem and it actually wouldnt have a thing to do with u. Thats all on him, and him needing to grow up and take on the responsibilities of being a husband and a new father. Did he want to have children? You didnt mention that in what u wrote. If he did, well then he needs to straighten his life out and get his head out of the clouds and do what needs to be done. Looks like u need to make some big decisions.. do u want to stay and be treated the way u r, or do u want to leave and start ur own life with ur child? I know thats a HUGE step, but if councelling didnt work and nothings seems to be working it seems thats the only thing left. Good luck, stay strong.. its not u.. its him!

Answer 7

You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes there are warning signs that we just over look. We want to love and be loved by "THIS" person so bad we disregard all the signs. Also when we look back we tend to remember only the good times. You only had one good yr in five? Take a good look at that year.....
My advice is this; Stop beating yourself up for his actions. When married, your husband should not be able to "look past you". Meaning, you are all he needs and wants. If he can't wait 8 wks, why should you waste your life time waiting for him to change? You can not fix or change another person- this is the mistake we all make. Don't waste anymore time. Start enjoying Life Again!!

Answer 8

You didn't do anything wrong. This is just the relationship you are in. He will have to work on this as much as you probably more. It doesn't sound like you guys are destined to stay together. Sad but the sooner you guys end it the soone ryou can find a guy who loves you enough to abstain from internet porn and affairs. You might try to enjoy the porn with him and get a little kinky. Don't go overboard - there's alot of weird stuff out there.

Answer 9

You look great, you are a wonderful home maker, you are forgiving and kind and you will do anything for your man, So the only problem is that you are with the wrong man,
go out there and hire a good divorce lawyer, get as much proof of your husband's adultery as you can to aid in your divorce case.
You deserve so much better, there are sooo many good guys out there that would KILL to have a woman like you by their side. Get out for the sake of your daughter and yourself. He does not deserve you, If I was a man, I would propose to you myself right now. Good luck, You did everything right. Get a vicious lawyer.

Answer 10

YOU did nothing wrong. He wasn't able to handle the adjustments that came with having a new baby. Lives change when a baby comes. You are "supposed" to become more mature and responsible. Spontaneity usually seems to take a flight, and he couldn't deal with that. He is having a really hard time adjusting from you as his sex "goddess" to a mother now. Is it possible for you guys to take short breaks from the baby---just a night every now and then to focus on you two, and not the interruptions of an infant? Good luck.