how to make my teenaged daughter more communicative with me?

Question

she is a vry nice n extrovert girl.but recently i feel she hides facts from me regarding her male classmates or their phone calls.how do i make her open up to me.she is vry vulnerable n sensitive so i worry about her frends corrupting her

Answer 1

You can't 'make' someone be open with you. You are her example--- be open with her. Share everything. Talk, and become a friend as well as a parent.

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Answer 2

When I was a teenager I did not always want to talk to my parents about things. And just because I didn't talk to them did not mean that I was being corrupted by my friends.

You should really take a step back and realize that a teenage girl shares certain things with her parents and certain things with her friends. Leave the lines of communication open but do not demand that she tells you everything about what is going on in her life. If she feels that you are open to talking to her, she will come to you when it matters.

In the mean time, look into how you are feeling. Are you worried that her friends might lead her down the wrong path? Or that she is having a sexual relationship with the boys and may not know the consequences or how to fully protect herself? Or are you worried that she is growing up and may not need you as much as she did in the past? Your feelings are valid but I really think you should explore the reasons why you are having these feelings. It may give you some insight on how to approach her so that you can have peace of mind on your real concerns.

Answer 3

I don't think you can. They (teenagers) do get secretive. Its kind of part of the deal.

What I did (and hope it worked) was to just make sure I kept talking and talking, presenting my values in a general way when I had the opportunity, and hoping that the fact that they made a lot of common sense would make them (all three, two sons and daughter) realize that I did make sense. I figured I couldn't control what input/influence outsiders offered, but - damn - I was going to do what I could to get my side of things heard as well.

I had a certain (although, of course, limited) amount of faith that my sons and daughter had minds of their own and good heads and would come to their own conclusions about things as long as they heard all sides, and not just the "bad" side.

If she's particularly vulnerable to being influenced by others (particularly people she finds impressive and particularly if she's someone who wishes she could be different and more like someone else), it may be even more important to encourage her to be in activities (or even get a part-time job) where she'll have yet another set of people in her world. The more varied a group of people a kid has in his world, the less likely one small group of people will have as much influence.

I used to try to do all the things the experts say to do (ask them about their friends etc., don't be openly judgmental, etc.), but I pretty much got the one-word answers and nothing else. It got so I was the one who did most of the talking (about values in general) and they would say little. I'd invite them to present an opposing argument, and nobody ever did. I'd worry that they'd think I wasn't interested, but I guess they knew they were the ones who didn't talk.

I could be wrong, but if she's genuinely an extrovert she's probably less likely to be one of those kids who is kind of a loner type and kind of looking to belong.

An unfortunate reality is these days it seems like the whole culture is out to corrupt kids, and it is the scariest thing in the world. I think one of the most important things to do is stay close, even if its only a "limited close" by virtue of being a situation where you do more talking than she does. If you act like a pal it doesn't show them an example of being a strong adult with a strong set of values. If you act too rigid and judgmental it drives them to the friends, who are only too ready to be the ones who back them up and who sometimes have parents who have the iffy values as well. It can get so the teen's parents seem to be the only ones in the world with those values, and the teenage kid then starts to think they're parents are just oddballs.

As far as I can see, keeping the above things in mind, all you can do is muddle through it - one child at a time - and do what you can to stay as close as possible and to be supportive and understanding if they make mistakes. I guess if they start to seem to be getting into stuff that could be seriously dangerous to them or to their futures you have to do what it takes to get them away from it (or the people).

Try, too, though, not to underestimate her good sense. Sometimes we, parents, tend to underestimate their good sense. I know my parents did. They never realized that if no-good was to be done I would have thought it up - not my friends. They never realized I was the "ring-leader". They didn't realize how much good sense I had or how strong a personality I was, so they worried for nothing. That's worth remembering too (although, of course, you can't bank on that either).

One other thought: It can help if you try to slow things down a little (not to the point where the kid is a giant outcast, but just trim some of the freedoms off around the edges). Stall off letting them getting the driver's license for a year. Keep a decent curfew, no matter what the friends are doing. Set aside a strategically established hour or so that the phone needs to be free for some reason. Trimming off some of the opportunities to be with certain friends can be something they don't really notice has happened and that doesn't make them feel dramatically different from their friends; but a little here, a little there can make some difference and can prevent unlimited opportunities to be talking to the friends rather than others.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, you won't be able to make her open up to you, and the harder your try, the more she may withdraw. It is also important for you to understand that as hard as it is to be a parent and not know EVERYTHING that's going on with your child, you DO need to give her "some" space & privacy. In addition, she needs to feel comfortable and confident that you are not going to get all over her case if she shares something that you don't like hearing. My recommendation would be that you have a talk with her now about boys, and what she needs to be careful about with them, because sure enough, something will happen that you've warned her about and she'll remember what you've said and hopefully make good decisions as a result. Let her know that you are trusting her to make the right decisions, but that if she needs help or advice on any of it, you are there to listen and help, and not necessarily punish her, when she needs you.

Answer 5

As a mother u will be worried more about her life, u try to spend more time with her when she comes from her college, and try to observe what her day duty is , if u try to spend with her as a friend , philosopher, and guide, and try to be as a friend other than mother then she also feels that more than a mother u are a friend and where she can try to share her feelings and be open so that she can take a good decision / steps for what ever she tries to do, but have little patience, because she will have some confusion whether to say or not to u because u are mother first then later everything.

Answer 6

Wow thats tough I'm 14 and most of the times the last person I want to talk to about my problems is my parents. All I can say is DON'T PUSH IT because my parents are always telling me to talk to them and after a while teenagers just learn to tune you out. Trust me I've done it.

What I know is if there is ever a problem that she can't handle you'll know. I don't know how but parents (at least mine) always always always know when somethings not right. If you've done your job right which i'm sure you have she'll come to you if she needs you. But just remember as she gets older she needs to learn to take on things for herself, she's not going to come to you with every little problems anymore. Your daughter seems a lot like me if she ever needs some one to talk to give her my email [e-mail] Best of luck and Happy Holidays

Answer 7

First take her into confidence and make her feel comfortable like a friend. Then you promise her first you are not going to scold anything about her friends both boy and girl friends. Best thing would be to ask such things is out side the house. Take her to a movie first and then to a good restaurant for dinner and then slowly start the conversation. She will definitely open up. I am a father my daughter opened her mind to me. My daughters feel more comfortable with me than their mother. We need to accept one thing our children are a generation ahead of us. So you should frankly accept the fact with your daughter that she knows more than you. I hope my thoughts will be of some use to you. Good Luck.

Answer 8

First of all, if the facts shes "hiding" from you are not about doing harm to herself or having unprotected sex, then she should have the right to keep a few secrets to herself. This is a part of growing up and developing a sense of identity and "separateness" from you. Remember when she was really little, and she wanted to "explore"? It is the same concept. She needs to feel that she is her own person and that you trust her to CARRY through with the values that you have taught her.


She will confide in you when she is ready. Just let her know that you are there for her IF she wants to talk about something. And then drop it (hard to do). It is an INVITATION to communicate of which she wants to feel the choice to take or not to take. You CAN make her, if you drop a guilt trip on her by acting like you feel wounded and left out, but this is very harmful to her, and eventually your relationship with her. Trust me. I have lived it with my own mom.

Added on: I know it must seem like the "identity" stuff I was talking about is just a bunch of pseudo-psycho talk from a lay person, but they ARE my words, won by having had a bad relationship with my own mom. I DIDN'T want to be her best friend or she mine, but I did love her and want to respect her.

Answer 9

trust your daughter, dont make her feel like she's doing anything wrong. let her have her space, and dont ask what her phone conversations are about. thats her privacy you are invading. if she hides facts from you about her male classmates, its probally because she dosent trust in telling you about them, because she is afraid you will get mad. just remember, she is a teenager, she needs her space. as long as you show concern for her, while giving her some space, she will thank you for it, and will most likley not end up being corrupted by her friends. if she choses to have a boyfriend, you want her to be open and honest about it. and in order for her to be open and honest, you have to be understanding. as long as you give her some good morals to live by, and some guidance, i dont think you'll have to worry about her getting corrupted. but, she is a teenager, it's not a bad idea to keep your eyes peeled. if she starts coming home late, or staying up considerablly late on the phone or internet, or wearing different clothes, then you should worry. but as long as she isnt doing anything wrong, dont get upset with her. i think, the best way to get her to open up, is to show interest in what she's been doing, and who she's been talking to. once she see's that you are interested to know what she's thinking, and she feels you will understand her, she will open up more. but dont push it, she'll talk when she's ready.

Answer 10

Go for rides in the car - that's when my daughter always talks.

Trust her. If you have raised a young lady with a strong character, she cannot be seriously corrupted. She is probably less vulnerable and senstive than you think, mother hen. Let her have her privacy.

Answer 11

I am 13, I am just starting to like boys and I really don't want my mom knowing, I feel like it's because your mom tells your dad everything and tell your other relatives everything. Even if it's not true it's how we feel, my mom tell relatives stuff I don't want her to. Right now I have a major crush on this guy but I try to hide all possible evidence. When it comes to personal stuff like that we teenage girls like to keep to ourselves, what I suggest is just be as kind and supportive but still a safe stable person she can come to and trust. Then eventually she will want to tell you. It's just a stage in her life! : )