Q for you woman who have had affairs? Why and How?

Question

married 11 years, two kids 4 and 7.
as of 2 years ago we enter counselling at which point wife makes me aware how despite my best efforts, parenting and support she has some kind of 'wall' up preventing her from loving me again.
We work on things (or so i thought), but 3 weeks ago i discover she's had a torrid affair with another married man with family. Discover they're planning to break up their families so they can be toegther.....guess that was the wall.
But i just can't understand how my wife just continues to see the bad in everything i do (all friends and family say im wonderful father and husband), and somehow sees only the good in what amounts to another two-timing cheat and habitual lyer whos willing to sacrifice his own family.
Doesnt she see what everyone else seems to see?

Just need to put some kind of logical spin on it so if any of you wives or ex-wives had affairs despite a good supportive family lfe, what made you do it? And did you regret it in the end?

Answer 1

men or women in an affair will see all the falts of the partner, and magnify it, even rewrite the marriage and paint it all bad, don't know if it has anything to do with the other person sitting right there while your on the phone with them trying to work it out. and they will simply worship the person they are cheating with, and never even see one falt. my husband certainly saw no merit or value in me after 10 faithful years, went on to vilify the entire 10 years, hurting me even more than he needed to. maybe it was just to show the other woman he was sincere and meant business that he wanted her. i believe it has nothing to do with the injured party and everything to do with the other person they are now involved with. my ex stayed around just long enough to use me to the fullest, get me in financial debt, and wait on the other woman to dump her spouse, than just as if all their plans were finalized after alot of planning and plotting he left without so much as a kind word. so it does happen and it is painful, but eventually we do move on, and once away from the person for awhile we begin to realize that we are so much better off without them.

Answer 2

Many, many years ago I cheated on my ex-husband. I didn't plan it and wasn't looking for it, but I guess I happened to be in the right place at the right time for it to happen. I was depressed and sad about some things happening in my relationship, my ex-husband wasn't available to me emotionally, and I felt really alone. Someone paid attention to me and made me feel good about myself for the first time in a long time, and I fell into it and had an affair with this person. No, I don't think it's right and no, I wouldn't do it again. I felt very guilty and awful, and in the end, it made my depression that much worse. I wouldn't recommend it.

Answer 3

Very interesting... I cheated when I was married. I was married for 9 years total and have been divorced for 3. We had children together. He is a wonderful father and a good husband. I wish I could take it all back and not cheated on him. There was no reason for me too. He was patient, kind, and a great catch for his current wife. (I think I trained him well!)
I cheated because after the kids came along we lost ourselves in the kids. He was no longer my husband, but a father too. The children came first. It was fine for me, in my head, to put my girls first--but how could he? I know that sounds selfish--but I wanted him to put forth an effort to let me know I was still in the top two on his list. Behind our girls, and work was where I felt I came.
It takes more to be a great husband and father than just providing.
I wanted to spend time with him alone. I wanted to have date night. I wanted to know that I was still attractive. I didn't feel I was getting that from him so I sought it elsewhere. And then the "new" guy put me first--or so I thought. I wanted the first feelings of falling in love again.
Instead of talking to my husband (at the time) I did what I wanted to make myself feel better. Instead of toughing it out and staying with him--I left for the newness of a relationship--where everything is exciting.
After losing what could possibly be the best man in my life, I have come to the conclusion that he did everything he knew to do. If I would have said something to him, anything to him, he would have done what I needed him to do to maintain our marriage.
Also--when it came down to it he forgave me but never, not once, put up a "fight" to keep me. Mayvbe I wanted to know I was worth the fight. That he loved me so much, he could really forgive me and tell me to stay.
Just my experiences...

Answer 4

Okay, I've never had a physical affair. But, I do claim to have had an emotional one. The reason I did it was because of loneliness and feeling unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, etc. Your wife obviously has wanted her cake and wants to eat it too. She can't have it both ways. And, I'm sure you are a really loving and caring husband and father. But, sometimes you just have to know when it's enough and you've done all you can to sustain a marriage that she obviously hasn't been contributing to. I wish you the best of luck. I think it's time to just let her go.

Answer 5

I understand the curiosity, but here's the thing: why do you think she would want to have an honest discussion with you? If your husband broke it off with her, she's going to resent the both of you, and you're likely to be talking to someone who will say anything, true or not true, just to piss you off. So I think it's a pot that you don't need to stir. If you want honest answers, and you think you can work it out with your husband in counseling, then he is the one that you need to talk to about it. If you're not planning on working it out, and you're divorcing him, then you don't need to know the how or why of the affair, because you will be letting go of everything that has to do with him, including the details of his affair.

Answer 6

First of all, affairs are a huge betrayal of a trust to another person. I don't believe that couple can survive them intact.

I suspect you wife has emotionally "separated" from you and couples counselling was a desparate attempt to repair an unrepairable relationship. (SORRY - that sounds harsh)

I believe she continues to pick on you because then she doesn't have to focus inward. She has betrayed you, she has moved on, she has created this and the only way she can move forward is to redirect all the problems on to you. Her greatest betrayal is her lack of honesty to you personally.

Best of luck. Your situation is painful I know. My ex had an affair - I am not bitter an dcould eventually move on because when all is said and done - I am an amazingly better woman without him.

Answer 7

a woman has an affair because she is emotionaly unsatisfied at home. Always taking care of the kids, the house, working, cooking....and she feels her husband doesn't love her or treat her like she wants, and suddenly a man comes into her life who maybe flirts a little and tells her how beautiful she is or tells her that she means a lot to him and that he is falling in love with her...and for that she could leave her husband an family.

Answer 8

Intewonfan your story is so sad. But I am glad at least that you see it for what it is.
People who have affairs and truly realize what they have done I have 1000x more respect for than those who feel no guilt or justify it somehow.

I know why people have affairs. I think every married person has had that little devil on their shoulder telling them to do it. Whether or not they listen to it or follow it's advice it what really matters.

Answer 9

I feel for ya buddy!

I have had several friends that are the "other women" and when you try to tell them that they are breaking up a home or that that guy will just find someone new when she gets old- you get a brick wall!!! Its like they want to rescuse that guy from his present/ horrible life? Its almost like they see thier actions as justified and everyone else is blind to thier deep love??? Crazy
Some people are just thier own worst enemy?

Answer 10

Stop thinking like a logical man. There is no logic or reason here and you know it.

Move on, it is over.

She betrayed you and destroyed her family. She is a terrible person and you deserve better.

Some day she will see this in perspective but not now.