I messed up with my 15 yo daughter, what should I do now?

Question

By the beginning of this year my daughter messed up. She's always been a very good girl, but, I couldn't understand why, she joined a bad crowd and did some wrong stuff. She apologized but got punished anyway, I got very disappointed and it took me some time to trust her again. Much more than the punishment, this hurt her really bad, made her suffer a lot, to an extent I couldn't realize then. Now I think I really exaggerated, she was just an excellente girl that messed up. But she got extremely resentful, could never get over it. We had a wonderful relationship and it was destroyed. She says I didn't act as a mom, I couldn't understand she is human and may make mistakes like anyone else. Well, now it happened to me. I made a mistake, she trusted me and I broke her trust, and it was my fault. I apologized, she just said a cold OK. But in her eyes I could read "you didn't forgive me, a girl, and now you, an adult, do something worse and want my trust". How can I save our relationship?

Answer 1

Okay, if she is resentful of punishment and she is such a good girl then there is still something wrong. You guys need counseling. This is a very tender age but if she is harboring such deep feelings for being punished for something she should KNOW was wrong and she really DID deserve punishment for then seek help. (If you can't do the time, don't do the crime!) I went through this with my daughter, and it has more to do with age than anything, something about teenage brains and hormonal changes always blows things WAY out of proportion)

Answer 2

Please ignore the majority of... Ms. Trunchbull comments above that are against the daughter.. Okay, firstly I'm 13 so I'm pretty close to that age, so here's how I would take it. Okay, my Mom finding out that I hung out with drug dealers or something would be punishment enough, but then I would know that the real punishment would be coming as all parents begin to react, then perhaps, overreact. Okay, so here's the child psychology since most adults forget how it was by the time they're like 20 years old. We do something bad that we know our parents will kill us for if they find out. The parent finds out and we immediately regret it. The parent then carries on to take away privileges or other types of punishment. By that point, we are probably in tears, if not before. Then after the parent finishes overreacting in some other way, perhaps yelling or something, we begin to forget about what it was we were in trouble for and just get mad at the parent for being so... stereotypical. Depending on what we get in trouble for, we will give our parents and other people the cold shoulder for long periods of time, (though I can't maintain it for more than a day, I talk too much..) we ignore the apologies for a while because we are still mad at the parents for doing what we knew they would do when we started hanging with the wrong people. Anyway, what you need to do is try to find a suitably emotional moment for her or work one up, and in that moment you've got to apologize in an equally emotional way. Give her a hug and if she won't accept it, then just give her the cold shoulder in return and don't talk to her at all. She'll come around eventually. She will realize that yu have forgiven her, she just needs to forgive herself. Okay, so I hope that helped, I have to go now! Merry Christmas or Happy New Year! Whichever one you celebrate, both if you do both! lol, buhbye!

Answer 3

Ok so now its time to sit her down and have a talk about how everyone makes mistakes and sometimes those mistakes hurt others a lot. When she made her mistakes she hurt you in one way and when you made yours you hurt her in another way. Talk about how grown ups work things out with each other and then follow thru. Time for both of you to grow up and realize the other is human and WILL make mistakes. Remember you are the Mom and she probably lost your trust and that takes a long time to get back and now realize it may take a long time to get her trust back too.

Answer 4

Do not think that you "messed" up with your daughter. This was and still is part of being a parent. A parent is someone who is there for their children, to be the driving force, the guidance to push their children to do better than them. You should be proud of yourself, you only wanted what was best for your daughter. So give yourself a pat on the back. Keep in mind...teenagers, let's say children, do not understand why parents may do certain things. All they know is they want to do things without being punished, without being told what to do. You should know that. Were you once that age? You need to talk to your daughter and explain both of your roles. She is the child, you are the parent. If you take really good care of her, give her a clothing, food, shelter, and guidance, then she is one of the most luckiest kids out here. Tell her about your point of view, of why you did what you did. I don't think you can "save" your relationship, it is her who has all of this animosity. So you should not have any hard feelings about what you did. If she still has resentment over this, do not worry. Teens eventually grow out of that anger stage, the times they are mad at the world. One day, she will say, "You know what, Mom? I was wrong, thanks for your help." She may not tell you that in a few days, or in a couple of months, but she will get over it.

Answer 5

I went through something similar with my own girl. She got in some drama with her best friend, started failing, it was awful. She was such an obedient child until then.

Teens start spreading their wings about this time. Its terrible! But they get through it.

We went for counselling, separately and together. She learned that life wasn't so bad, I learned to forgive and allow a little more freedom. She learned that there are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. It wasn't perfect, and still isn't 100% perfect, but we are getting through. She has pulled up her marks, got away from the friend and has a very positive future.

What your daughter is doing right now is emotional blackmail. She's using your guilt/sad feelings to her advantage. Sit her down, explain why you are apologizing. Tell her that you accept her and love her whether she forgives you or not, but that she has to get over it. Then get into counselling. She is struggling to become an adult, but she just isn't there yet. She has to learn by your example and needs you to be firm.

I know you can get through this and I send a little prayer your way.

Arent' teens just wonderful!?

Answer 6

She is a bratty teen. I'm not an adult trying to be condescending but I'm 17 and I agree with the punishment. She broke your trust and dissapointed you. You shouldn't have apologized but simply ignore her and warn her that you won't stand for any crap. She has to know the boundaries and learn to respect you. You are going to be treated as a doormat. Go and talk to her. Don't be sorry or cry but be firm and tell her what you did was right and that you love her. She will come around.

Answer 7

First and foremost...we ALL make mistakes, as children and as parents. Relationships are built on resolving issues. You need to sit down with her. Let her get it off her chest everything that is hurting her, don't interrupt, let her talk. Then tell her why you were so hurt and explain to her no one is perfect including yourself. After you have a heart to heart talk, let her know all the things she does that makes you so proud of her, let her know all her good points. This will open up a lot of doors for communication and down the road in her life, when she encounters more relationships, she'll go based off the example she was given growing up, and she'll develope good relations with open communication and love.

Answer 8

first i want to say you did the right thing. she is your daughter first, not your friend. if she did something wrong, there has to be consequences. by her lashing out at you saying you didn't understand shes human, etc. is her way as a teenager to make you feel gulity. if you as an adult made a mistake, well you too are human. i don't know what you did, but you are an adult! you have the right to make your own choices and live with them. when shes an adult, then she has the right to make her own choices just like you

Answer 9

I think it can be fixed. Don't over apologize but give her some time to heal. You seem like a very caring,loving mother. Every child really wants their mother's love and she might be giving you the cold shoulder to make you pay. Once thats out of her system then you can work on repairing you relationship. Invite her out for dinner just the two of you, something special.

Answer 10

Sit her down and tell her how you feel. When I was 15, I was hanging out with a rough crowd. They did drugs and fought. My mom trusted me and told me about her experiances. I agreed to tell her if I ever did try drugs, and she was always there for me. I am 17 now and am sooooooooo happy she was there. Just talk to your daughter.