How do I know if I should get a divorce and move on?

Question

To make a long story short...me and my husband have been together since I was 16 I am not the same person anymore. I did not know what i wanted in a man then I just knew that I loved him with all my heart and that was enough. Now I do know what I want, and he is not that man. His character will not allow him .By his actions you wouldn't even know he loves me. He can not stick up for me emotionally or phisically.. Which kills me... I guess I thought that he would grow up and be a man but now I just see that this is a problem that I can not get out of my head. We do not have conversations its like he has no oppinion of his own.. Its as though he can not think for his self...never does anything romantic and inspite of my efforts in the past year telling him how I feel, still nothing has changed except that he tells me that I am perfect and he dont want to lose me. I love him,and I know he loves me. Is this normal, am I being selfish? Will the same thing happen with the next man?

Answer 1

You say you feel like you are finished with this marriage. You can love a person but if they don't stick up for you and show you real affection and love- then it becomes a one sided situation that is hard to live with. No one can tell you what type of relationship you may have the next time.around. Love is all about taking chances. If we could get a love quarantee then there would not be so many divorces. People do grow apart sometimes.

Answer 2

People do change, and sometimes opinions change, but what it looks like here is not a change in your opinions, the change is in him, moving farther and farther from you, and farther from the man that you want. If you even have that feeling, that need, or energy to leave and find something or someone new, hunni, go for it! Give him that one last Christmas to show him that you love him and then go on your way, hopefully staying friends. Let him know, that you just don't feel the same way anymore, and that you feel you need something more, something he can't give you...
Go with your heart, and intuition, it truly never fails.
At 16, though you have a mind, and know what you want, you sometimes go ahead of yourself. Do things that are kinda immature, because you think your doing what's best for you, and what shows your a "grown up" independence and all...
That's where some people make that mistake... But don't think of this as a mistake, think of it as something that taught you a lot in your life, Gave you some pretty awesome years of your life, and now it's not what it should have been.... Not for you...
Hope this helps hun...
Merry Christmas.

P.S. I don't think it'll happen again, if it does, once again it wasn't something that was right for you, though hun, maybe this time you should think it through first, That way you have all the stops accounted for.

Answer 3

I think you know in your heart that the time to part has come, and you are looking for us to give you that little extra push.
So allow me.
It seems like you are great friends, but not "soul mates" (I really hate that term, but it does make a certain "expression"). Some people are happy to have a best friend for a life mate, and some want/need more. It sounds like you are in the latter.
Yes you will hurt him, yes there will be hard times for both of you. BUT, if you want a chance at true happiness, the earlier you do this the better for both of you. Time marches on for both you. The odds of finding a successful relationship dramatically decrease with each passing year. If you hang on to your current situation for another 5 years it may be too late. You say your husband is not the man you want him to be, you have given him chances to change and he hasn't. Grab for the brass ring before it is too late.
Remember, when you look back in life most of your regrets are things you didn't do when you had the chance. Not things you did do and later regretted.
I wish you luck, and I hope you can both get to a place where you are happy and still nearly best friends.

Answer 4

After ten years of being married to a man like that, who also had a drinking problem, I was ready to kill myself. I had gone to marriage council ling for three years and he only went three times. Finally, instead of killing myself and leaving three small children motherless, I divorced him. All my dreams had been shattered, and I was frightened about raising the kids on my own, but I realized something very important. I was free to be me. I've never been remarried, although came close a few times. I still haven't met the man of my dreams and it has been twenty years since my divorce. If you are getting sick,and your stressed out all the time, before divorce get some council-ling to find out if your expectations are set to high. Find out what you love about him and ask yourself if you can live without those attributes.If there is no love then I would say, go ahead and divorce him. Some women will accept the man with all his faults and remain married, but as they grow older they bicker and grumble and seem miserable. Divorce doesn't solve your problems if you are just dissatisfied with your life. Maybe you should seek some advice.

Answer 5

If you still love him and he loves you, you need to find the passion you once had for each other. To ignore will only make things worse and you will begin to resent him to the point where you might even start hating him. It sounds like your marriage can be saved but only if the two of you are willing to do some major counseling and couples therapy. And you will probably have to do it more than once. If he doesn't agree to try, he obviously doesn't care enough about salvaging your marriage. And if that is the case, leave him. You may never find anyone else, but you won't have to live with someone who makes you feel unloved.

Answer 6

No it won't happen with the next man because this time you will know what you want in a man.
And of course you are not being selfish, you want to be happy.
I think you know what you want to do, so you tell your husband you want to separate, you want to try out life without him in it for awhile and take some time out and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.
I married someone I fall for when I was 16, we had two kids by time I turned 20 and were divorced when I was 22. You just don't know what you want when you are that young, you are just thinking love is enough and sometimes it isn't.
Good luck!

Answer 7

I would say move on if you have no kids and the relationship has been short. There no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. Life is short and there are so many things to do.

However, if you have been married for awhile and have kids then it would be a different story. I have known a few people who have stuck it out after the 7 year itch and they are happier then ever. If kids are involved then divorce would be the last option.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

It appears that you are in the middle of the D, and are already in a relationship which is more appealing, satisfying and complete. If you feel happy in a new relationship, have given enough thought about it, and are convinced about it, leave your legal man right now and move on. If you have fears and still have doubts about your feelings, go for councelling.
Do not drag, as it will lead from bad to worse.
Good luck!

Answer 9

Your situation is very common and natural - you have both changed and developed since you first met. Now is the time to really start talking to each other and most important of all listening to each other carefully. what do you talk about? Your feelings. A book which might help you is called "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.

Answer 10

It is difficult to say as you don't say how old you are, if you have kids and it is a bit like you want more attention, you don't speak about what your interest are in life either....
It is more like you only want attention, really, and of course if this such a problem, well you know the answer...
And of course, you have changed since you were 16, but you know, people keep changing all their life...
He has too, but you don't see it... maybe it is a comfortable enough relationship for him the way it is...