How do you deal with issues from the past that haunt you?

Question

I know it's not rational but I get angry about times in the past when I have been manipulated or used by some people,I guess I am angery at myself for not standing up for myself but how do I leave these issues in the past?

Answer 1

There's no simple answer to this unfortuantely. We all have stuff that comes round to bite us on the bum at times. My husband gets really wound up about stuff like this, more than i do. With him, i usually advise him to try and let go of the anger 'cos it's just self destructive and negative. You usually can't change the past, as such, you have to change how you feel about the upsetting incident instead.

Would you react the same now? Probably not, because you're a stronger person now. Does this person that upset you years ago still deserve to have some sort of hold over you? No, you're too good to have to keep suffering. Anger's very destructive and the person who feels the worst for it is the angry person themselves. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

It takes discipline i think, but you have to tell yourself to let go and not let the past get to you. In the words of a song 'The past was yours but the future's mine'. If you have any religious faith that can help; you know, live and let live, forgiving and the like. It can be very liberating and make you feel at peace with the world and yourself.

Hope it helps! Merry Chrismas too.

Answer 2

The fact that they still haunt you is indicative that you have not been able to find closure.
Rather then letting others behaviour dominate your thoughts, examine your own behaviour. Did you act decently? Where you to trusting? Do you regret anything you did? If the answer to all of these is yes then you have done your best.No one can ask for more than that.
Some people are manipulative, some people use others, there is nothing you can do about that except confront it when you recognise it happening.
Some people are able to walk away and 'move on' I don't understand why some find it easy to do this and others find it impossible.
What you need to do is find a way of dealing with it, get through one day at a time. Try to keep yourself busy, try not to dwell on it too much, but I know this can be incredibly difficult.

Some people are nice and some people are horrible. Some nice people occasionally meet horrible people and become influenced by them. Again there is nothing you can do about this.
As long as you are content with your own behaviour and have been able to accept your mistakes then you may be on the road to finding closure. It can be a long and difficult road but a long journey begins with a single step.

Answer 3

See if there are particular times when you start to think about these issues and get angry about them e.g. when you are particularly tired. Try to avoid getting so tired (easy to say I know). When it does happen focus either on telling yourself you can't change the past, you've learned from the experiences and you won't repeat your mistakes and force yourself then to move on mentally to something you like or did well, OR go entirely untechnical and try closing your eyes and counting. You start with 24 and 1, then 23 and 2, 22 and 3, 21 and 4 and so on until you are back to 1 and 24. Repeat the exercise until the destructive thoughts are pushed to the back of your mind again. :) :) I really hope you can conquer this as it is an unpleasant thing to deal with and is no good for your self esteem. Ultimately you could go to your medic and ask for referral for some gentle counselling.

Answer 4

Oh no - don't bury them - they will only revert stronger later when you least need it and are at your weakest! I speak from experience.

You need to try to deal with these issues and find out what it is about them that bothers you - or what it is about your personality/past/experience that makes you go over and over these issues.

I suggest therapy - but if this option is too expensive get a good book which tackles this stuff and try to work through it on your own. Don't expect answers over night. Your brain has been used to working in this way for years I assume and it will probably take months/years to change the way you deal with these issues.

It sounds like there may be a problem with control or lack of control? Maybe something in your childhood was similar and this reminds you of that? Maybe it make syou think that you are not strong for being manipulated and feel vulnerable and your defence is to get angry? Maybe you should try harder to not let people manipulate you in the first place rather than brewing over it later?

I think you need to accept that this stuff is in the past, deal with it and learn mechanisms for coping with similar situations in the future - this will make you feel stronger. Taking control of the present is very liberating!! Good luck!

Answer 5

When you buy a new car it's perfect. If you keep it for years and years, you notice that it gets more worn out, little faults come up, you have to replace parts etc. It will lose a lot of its original value and the cracks start to show. Humans are the same, it is part of life. You get weathered by life. Experiences you live through will form your path and can even change your fundamental views. You can develop habits as a result and your body doesn't function as well as it did when you were much-much younger. You can fix things and replace parts within your life but you will not be able to get rid of all the factors that have been shaping your life. You can certainly learn to cope with things and use them as valuable lessons for the future. By the way, I don't mean you are an old banger....merry christmas!

Answer 6

Have you learnt a lesson from it?

If you have you are already on the way to burying it! There will always be one of those people that dump on you, discredit you or generally belittle you to the point of making you doubt yourself and your own abilities.

Ask yourself the questions........about your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, your ability BUT DON'T under any circumstances blame yourself........we have all been there at some point and the only way to really get over it is to dig deep and learn not to let it happen. I'm not saying you should treat all people the same but, try to distance yourself from people that ask or want more from you than you are prepared to give. Trust is the key and trust is earned from people NOT given freely.

Answer 7

We all make mistakes and hopefully learn from them(hindsight is always 20/20). Realize that even negative experiences help you
grow as a person. Dont beat yourself up for not handling things differently in the past, just resolve not to let it happen to you in the future or to treat anyone else the way you were treated.

Answer 8

I'd like to be able to give you an answer. I've been to hypnotherepy, Relate and a couple of councillors, but I haven't been able to get over my past issues.

I guess some people learn to live with them, others don't.

I do try to use the knowledge I've aqquired from these bad events and make sure they don't repeat them. That's about it really.

Answer 9

Mr Nice,
I'm in the same boat myself because I've allowed bad treatment by others to make me "bitter and twisted".
Remember, resentment means that YOU are giving the person who hurt you a chance to hurt you AGAIN.
Rather than do that, try to forget your past and live in your present moment. If you are angry you will "turn off" people around you and lead them to dislike you in the present.
If you can't forgive; at least, forget and give yourself peace of mind NOW.
Good Luck!!
The Mac

Answer 10

oh dear i feel you I've experienced this and I'm still fighting with my self too but you know what i found out; we should just move on.
I'm sure that you are a nice person so don't be hard on your self, when you remember there issues keep telling your self that you are better than this now and try to get busy with some thing you like.
also it helps when you talk to some one about it, talk to some one you can trust or at least to some one you know that he/she won't take it easy or for fun
if you like we can talk
don't think much, and remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. so try to learn the lesson and make your self stronger
i hope you get over it soon