How do you get your children to obey and listen to you?

Question

My husband and i have a hard time getting our older children to listen, they take their time about doing things, they bring home bad grades, they don't do there chores right, and they always want to ask for something, We have taken everything from them to where they dont have anything, We talk to them on a daily basis, and it just doesn't seem like anything is working, they have been punished so much they are used to not watching movies, talking on the phone or playing video games. the ages are 14, 12, 10 and this has been going on for years and we have tried everything and still nothing has changed, Can someone please help us out?We would appreciate some ideas that other people have tried and work. Thanks!

Answer 1

I am a mother of five and have also had over thirty foster children over the course of a five year span (mostly teen foster children from rough backgrounds).

My strategy is to reverse the discipline. Change the rules. Instead of taking away...they have to earn. What I mean by this is positive discipline. I set up a point system with a dry erase board in the kitchen.

Well let me back up...first, we had a family meeting. We discussed rights, responsiblities, and privledges. This went onto a contract signed by all. Rights were things like a safe home, bed, clothing, food, unconditional love, etc. Responsibilities was a list we all built (kids came up with some better than I could) but I made sure the stuff important to me was on there (homework, clean room, daily chores, whatever). Next was priviledges (let your kids go on this one...they'll give you a big list, longer than your own and it shows you what's really important to them)...things like TV, radio, telephone privledges, video games, whatever.

Now you set up points for the responsiblities and privledges. (Rights they get without any work to be done.) Each child has a monthly goal. (Gotta customize this one for your family.) But for example...they must earn Xnumber of points in a day to enjoy whatever the privledge. So for example is phone is worth 9 points, they gotta do 9 points worth of responsibility. Once achieved, they don't need to as your permission to use the phone (but you should have predetermined hours/length of calls for that privledge). Or say 3 for radio. Whatever. The daily points start over each day, but count toward "monthly" totals. There are two gems here for the kids (in my house). First, the kid with the highest MONTHLY total gets front seat privledges when we go somewhere....which comes with radio priveledge (so long as not vulgar or indecent songs). Second, at the end of the month, all children having acheived their goal get a reward! Keep it simple and small. For my girls, having their nails done was a good one, or maybe a movie night, or trip to Mc Donald's for ice cream and play for the little ones. Point is...stuff you'd do with your kids anyway, but now they've earned it! One time missing the monthly goal and being left behind, and that kid will work his butt off!

Anyway...they start each day with nothing. If they want to keep it that way, they can choose to do nothing and they won't be in trouble. But it won't be much fun. BUT...YOU did not take anything away...they simply did not EARN it. That was THEIR choice.

It works great...have passed it on to many parents. Especially your age group and having more than one or two for competition makes it perfect.

Only trouble...once you start you gotta keep it up. And you gotta stay on top of CATCHING THEM DOING GOOD. Which, let me tell you, is much more rewarding for all then always nagging and complaining.

I spent much of my day with a dry erase marker in hand. But believe me, life was much more pleasant and peaceful. The kids rushed to do chorse, and sometimes even fought over who got to do them. The'd even come home from school mad at me for having folded laundry or something cuz that's points I'm "stealing" from them! LOL

Once my husband said...you're giving points for "that" (whatever it was)...some bonus thing (oh yeah...when you really need something done...you stay, hey, 3 or 5 or 10 bonus points to the kid who cleans out the fridge, or whatever. Anyway...I wanted some simple thing, no big deal and gave a point away. My husband was saying it's not worth a point...I said hey, no big deal...I got done what I wanted and what did it cost me? A mark on a dry earase board? LOL

One more thing...BIG RULE HERE...only mom (or dad) can change the point board...and the kids are responsible for telling you they've earned and you either trust them or get off your butt and go check to see if they really did do homework, or clean the bathroom (to YOUR satisfaction). BEFORE giving the point.

One other thing. We had a list of what needed to be done (say to clean the bathroom or kitchen) printed on laminated cards with corresponding point values. So if a child chose a core, they KNEW exactly what was expected (clean out the microwave, move EVERYTHING on the counter and wash the counter, put it all back, do dishes, sweep, whatever...).

Good luck! And don't forget to find them doing good without them telling you first. Watch for opportunities to give points. It will really change the whole atmosphere in the house to a positive one!

Answer 2

Consistency is the key. Draw the line and never waiver. Present a united front as husband and wife. If you tell the children to do something once that should be enough. Period. Let them pay the consequences if they don't obey immediately. Whining, continual asking, playing one parent off the other, or pitting parents against each other is a manipulation that kids seem to be born with but they do grow out of it if you stand firm. There's no need to scream or yell at them. Just keep a nice calm voice and dispense justice, lol. Yes, I know that's easier said than done but it works. I've raised 4 children and when I said no they knew it was the final answer. If they made mistakes I let them pay the consequences. Ground them and stick to it (be consistant). No phone, no kids over, no internet etc. etc. You get my drift. How else are we to teach them personal responsibility and assist them in building character and integrity? Sounds like your trying. Just hang in there. They'll be out on their own before you know it.

Answer 3

Simple, you forget about what people nowadays tell you. Hitting a child shouldn't be something that you should worry about, I'm going to be a parent in a few months and i have no plans about sparing the belt.
This day in age, if you hit a child its abuse, but truth be told, thats why kids are walking all over parents today. Everyones scared to whoop their kids. We're becoming a generation of p**y parents.
I was disciplined when i was a child and it did nothing traumatic to me. In fact, it thought me right from wrong.
When something is wrong, would you leave it that way? Unchanged? No, you fix it, and I'm sorry if it offends, but hitting a child does correct behaviour problems.
So long as you don't go ape-skat and become some psycho with belt. Or lock you child up in a closet. There are limits and boundries, just make sure you know them.
It also doesn't hurt to take things away. When i did something wrong my ps1 was taken away and thrown out. No matter what it cost. do it. take things away, don't let them make punks of you.

Answer 4

I have 3 teens and an 8 yr old. I have first hand experience with this. For some reason children now adays think that everyone owes them everything. They are very use to life being very easy for them and getting things handed to them. Respect is what they all need to learn all over again. When you take the things away they aren't affected by these consequences anymore. As parents we have to be very creative and enforce harder than before and be consistant. Yelling doesn't work they turn their buttons off and stop listening. They need to respect your parent to children relationship. There is a program that is by Jim Lehman www.totaltransformation.com try it out. Good Luck

Answer 5

Start training early and remain consistent with rules and principles. Then follow those same admonitions yourself. Know when to play and when to be firm with your kids. Here are some things you'll want to avoid...

LOSING YOUR TEMPER.
When you habitually yell at your children, they can end up yelling back at you. Children are actually more responsive to calm requests and commands.

DISAGREEING ON RULES.
Never disagree on discipline in front of your children. Parents must present a united front to their kids when enforcing rules. Otherwise, they will quickly learn how to "divide and conquer."

NOT AS MINI-ADULTS.
Although you want your children to know that they are heard, you shouldn't make the mistake of letting them have an equal say in the rules of the household. This is a parent/child relationship, not a democracy.

BRIBERY.
Bribery is not a healthy or effective form of motivation for children. You want your children to learn right from wrong regardless of whether or not there is a reward for behaving in an appropriate way.

BALANCED PRAISE.
Be careful of praising your children too much or too little. Appropriate praise can be healthy and build self-esteem, but if overused, it can leave a child feeling inadequate when he/she doesn't receive it. Give affirmation for positive behavior and hopefully, your child will repeat the good behaviors that bring appreciation.

INCONSISTENT DISCIPLINE.
It's important that parents are consistent with discipline in order to avoid making their children confused about guidelines and consequences. For example, if action A leads to consequence B, it needs to do so all of the time.

INAPPROPRIATE PUNISHMENT.
The punishment should be a natural and logical consequence of the punishable behavior. If the punishment isn't fair, you can lose the opportunity to "teach" your child through the act of disciplining because your child's focus will be on the unfair punishment.

Answer 6

Unless a parent is asking a child to do something that can harm the child or someone else in any way (and how many parents actually make those requests?) Then yes. They are the parents and until a childs 18th birthday, a parent or guardian has control of what that child does. Listening to the person(s) that support, guide, and love you kind of just comes with the territory. Most parents have rules that must be followed for one or more of the following: 1. To ensure the childs safety. 2. To provide the child with a better life. 3. To keep the family running smoothly It may not seem like it now but your parents (for the general population) are only looking out for the best interest for you and the family and you will most likely be thankful later in life.

Answer 7

I think the answer is to find the thing that they love the most and threaten to take it away. With my youngest it is his motorbike as he would just wither away without it. The middle one cares more about his PSP and remote control car. And my daughter would die if I threatened to take her study notes and books off her. Every child has it's weak point you just have to figure out what your childs weak point is. Make sure you do return the item once the punishment has been carried out after the given time or they will just figure that they may as well be bad as they are going to get punished anyway,
Maybe one of your children just loves talking on the phone to her friends. Ban her from that and tell her friends why they cannot talk to her. Don't feed them till the chores are done and stand over them till they are. If you don't get control back now you will be in trouble in the next few years.

Answer 8

Stand firm. Only tell them what you mean and mean exactly what you say. Don't go back on your word EVER. You were not put here to be their pals. Your job is to raise them to be good adults in the future. Bratty kids don't make it very far in the real world with no sense of responsabilty or respect for others - the can't hold jobs.
Remember, who's the parent. You chlidren didn't come into this world knowing a darn thing.......teach them.

Answer 9

You start at the very beginning with DISCIPLINE, CONSISTENCY and PATIENCE. You don't GIVE them televisions, video games, phones, comptuers, stereos you make them EARN them with good behavior and you don't take them away. You do NOT allow ANY of the above in the bedrooms, and you allow only a specific amount of time with said devices. In our house my daughter got an hour every evening, and not more than six hours on weekends Bedrooms are for sleeping, relaxing and reflecting. At the age your kids are I'd say it was too late...you have given them things that weren't earned and now want to take it all away, obviously you didn't teach them much.

Answer 10

HEY! you got your kids from the same stork I did!!

All kidding aside, I can only give you alot of consolation that you are not alone, and an idea that I am now trying.

First off, I hear you on the fact that depriving them of media is not working anymore. I see mine habituated. I have SO much to tell you, so much pain to spill, but I wont bore you. I finally told them just do "one little thing for me---pick up your clothes...." When they did that consistently, I got happy and rewarded them. But that took a month or so of doing. Now I asked them to do "one little thing for me....clean the sink of your crud after you brush your teeth and hang up your towels..." I suspect that one might take longer than a month, but it's better than nothing. We are still working on that one, but they are still picking up their clothes.

To wrap it up, this is my "One Little Thing" experiment.
Pretty soon maybe within the next year, I'll have them paying the mortgage.