How do I develop social self confidence if I have basically nowhere to start from????????

Question

I'm a 20 yearold college student. I am incredibley shy. I maybe talk to 6 or 7 people at school, and that's it. I don't have any close friends (don't do anything outside of school with anyone). Because of this and my lack of friends, I have basically no self-confidence in social situations. I always feel awkward when I talk to people, and there are always many awkward pauses in the conversation. Personally I don't see why anyone would want to talk to me, so I tend to be very quiet among people I don't know very very well. I know that to get confidence I need to "dive in head first," but where do I start? I can't just have a conversation, or join in a discussion without getting very nervous (I start to sweat) and feeling awkward.

Answer 1

One does not develop social self-confidence by going into situations in which one has no familiarity or background. That would be like trying to ski the advanced slope of a mountain without ever practicing with an instructor or skiing several times down the bunny slope.

You gain social self-confidence by first exploring social situations in which you are most comfortable. Even if that means going to McDonalds, the important thing is to start from where you feel comfortable, secure, relaxed. Once there, Don't do anything more stressful than simply go up to a stranger and say 'hi'. After doing that two or three times (and it could take a couple of visits) then try to start a conversation. Servers at restaurants are really good practice because 1) you have to talk to them and 2) any mistakes you make will be easily forgotten since they see lots of customers and talking is part of their job. With each positive experience, you expand the people (and the places) where you converse.

What you want to do is experience, in a mild form, the stage fright you fear in other situations. But here, in exposing yourself in a controlled environment, you are slowly innoculating yourself against that feeling of being 'overwhelmed'. With repeated exposures, your sensitivity to your own awkwardness will diminish, because you will have those conversational experiences to remind you. And if you do make a flub, make a huge joke out of it. What makes a silence awkward is the worry of other people to offend. Even if it hurts, showing that you aren't offended, that you can make a joke of yourself (and if you can't think of one, practice coming up with jokes) will make you seem more approachable to others. Maybe even some of them will reveal to you how awkward and shy they feel. You could even try starting a conversation with someone by saying "Hello, I'm kinda shy so could you take this glass of water and splash it in my face?" The craziness of the reply is a great ice-breaker, and helps address your feelings of being foolish right away. The more you confront those feelings, the weaker they get.

Answer 2

How did you get to be talking to those 6 or 7 people?

Also, I read the anwers before me, and they are all good.

Now with respect to your "Dive in head first" maybe you don't wanna do that. If you don't know how deep it is, you can wind up with stitches on the forehead, and that would just give you new issues to deal with --we don't want that...

What are your interests? You like sports? You play Chess? You wear women's underwear? (that was a joke...) My point here is that you can give yourself a sort of crutch to lean on.

I have no clue, but let's say you are really into comic books. Maybe there are no comic book clubs on campus, but perhaps there are comic book stores around the place.

You need some practice talking to people...

Put yourself in "friendly" surroundings, meaning be in places that will give you the most advantages to succeed. Now if you don't quite follow me, as an example, don't hang out in a bar that is next door to a convention hall that is holding a sales seminar...

On the other hand, you have read a ton of comic books! Put yourself in a comic book store. It's a lot easier to talk about stuff you know something about, isn't it?

I just got another idea...

Take a psychology class. When the most opportune time presents itself (like when you are discussing something related) ask the prof a question about being shy.

"I have a question about shyness... What is it about being shy that makes it so difficult to talk to people?"

First of all, in asking this, you don't give a crap what the prof says, but I want you to watch the rest of the class. I'm hopeful that one or two more shy people might jump on your lead and continue this conversation. (It was just an idea, I haven't fleshed it out yet. I have no idea if this would work!)

But regardless, if one or two people jump up with follow up questions, maybe you have someone else to talk to.

"Hey, I noticed you answering that question today in class. Have you really ever felt shyness?"

You get what I'm trying to convey.

There are different strategies...

Answer 3

I would ask someone( a very close friend/relative) to help you. Tell them that you are a shy person, unless they already know, and get them to arrange a date with a few other guys. Go to a house, a pretty private place, and just spend a few hours talking. I don't believe that anyone is boring, so im sure they won't either. Do this a couple times, and then maybe go to a party with guys(bachelor party) another idea is maybe to join a frat/sorority(srry don't know what there called) and get to know people through there. Are there any clubs you can join that have your interests(photography, art, dance)? First thing is that you have to find confidence within. Don't dive in headfirst, take it slow.

Answer 4

You need to start with yourself. Where do you live? Who do you live with? What are your interests? Many shy feelings stem from inexperience, not inability. You can do this. You just need to trust yourself and celebrate the small achievements. Think of talking to people as practice for what you were really meant to become... a fantastic person!
Don't be afraid to start small. Find the most approachable, friendly person you know. Become comfortable with them first.

Answer 5

Take the focus off of yourself. You are thinking inwardly way too much. Trust me I know- used to talk to no one . Forget about your lack of self confidence. Don't think about what you can't do -but what you CAN do. Try to think more about others, and what you know about them. When you talk -don't even talk about yourself-ask people about themselves. Most people love talking about themselves anyway. This will allow you to feel more comfortable. When you talk to people think of it as an opportunity to broaden your horizons-so to speak.

Last but not least-What is it you are afraid of when you talk to people. I am assuming this because of the sweating.

Good luck-and don't give up! It takes a while before you feel comfortable.

Answer 6

ME TOO!
I just put myself out there. LIke someone told me once......
"Introduce yourself - the other person may feel flattered you took the time to talk to them - since they could be shy also"
ask questions - where they are from - whats going on in their life - siblings - hobbies - spouses - kids- grandkids- .
I have a harder time with people my age. So if you can tell me feel free.
Do you know that person who everyone loves to see and talk to? Become that person. friendly and outgoing and relaxed.
try small steps at a time until you feel comfortable.

Answer 7

You can do it!!!
Please be confident!!!
People will listen if you try!!!!!
We all get nervous about something!!!