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I just caught my wife out having an affair. We have been married for 10yrs and have 3 small children. When I first had a gut feeling I asked her to her face and she denied it and swore blind it was not true. I had to find out through my own investigation. Once I confronted her with the proof she begged for forgivness and said she would do anything to fix it. I found various emails from her to him saying she was with my for children and she hated coming home from work as she had to see me. At the time of catching her she was planning to see him again. She only spent one night with him but I feel more happened than she will admit to. I have found since that she has not been fully honest and I find it hard to move forward if there is still alot of doubt in my mind. I feel she wanted me at home for the kids sake and finacially and she wanted him for her other needs and was happy to continue it. Part of me wants to go do what she did so she sees how it feels. I am hurt and doubt her. Help

2006-12-21 10:54:18 · 33 answers · asked by aaron a 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

I guess i need to add more to give full picture. We have seperated and she has taken me back on 3 occasions for gambling. 2 yrs ago I did a programme and have not gambled since. Our marriage was not great before the affair and she said she felt unloved and unattractive to me and I never showed her any feelings. This is true but the same can be said for her. She compares my gambling to me having an affair. Maybe she is right but I don't see it the same. My self esteem is now shot and I feel inadequate. She had spent the night with him when she was away at uni and I was home looking after the three kids. She says it only happened once but as mentioned when I caught her she was planning a made up trip just so she could be with him. Plus how do I treat her best friend who was part of all this. I hate her best friend but my wife said that she had nothing to do with it. Thats crap. I just wondering if wife is just sorry being caught and having her plans destroyed.

2006-12-21 11:08:55 · update #1

33 answers

I would have her ch4ecked out at the hospital and make sure she doesn;t have any diseases and then kick the biotch out.

2006-12-21 10:56:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1 1

Ugh - I had a similar experience with my now ex...

I found her pursuing a former bf, who was in prison at the time... and I know for a fact she cheated very early on in our relationship. I also suspect she was cheating near the end, as she got engaged within months of us parting company, then pregnant and married...

Anyway - your wife has broken trust in her. And she's the one who needs to address this. She needs to be completely honest with you about what she has been doing, and why. Then you need to decide if you can forgive her, and if you want to.

Many couples stay together for the sake of the children. You may want to do that, its certainly healthier for the children, unless the two of you hate each other and fight a lot.

As far as what she was doing - there was an interesting study done some years ago about women and infidelity. It found that women want to things - a good reliable, financially secure male to help in raising children, and a passionate, wild romance with a lover... often these two do not match up... the result being that in the US at least, some 10% of men are raising children who are not their own... they are the product of an affair.

You two could certainly go for the old standby - stay together for the kids, whilst pursuing romantic relations with others. However, I wouldn't do this out of revenge on your part. It sounds like she might not care, and if a divorce becomes the only solution - proof of her infidelity, and proof or your loyalty to the marriage will serve you well in court.

I wish you all the best.

-dh

2006-12-21 11:05:47 · answer #2 · answered by delicateharmony 5 · 0 0

Hi

i hope that you can find the path that you are looking for

i too had a huge gambling problem and i have blown a lot of money and had a huge fight with my wife as well.

BUT!!!

we have stayed loyal for a 6 weeks separation and now we are back together she has been faithful and i have been faithful.

the most important thing is that you actually need to go and see counselling, everyone makes a mistake in life. Could be gambling, cheating or even lust with the opposite sex.

now you have to think clear about what YOU actually want:

1, do you want to take her back and give it a try for the kids sake
2, get ride of her and hold on to the kids
3, see counselling and see if it is worth working out.

its all up to YOU what you want to do, really mate i know its very hard and i know you are so confused i was as well but you need to find yourself and tell her to find herself and see what happens there.

i also have grown up in a broken family where my dad left my mum and its the worst thing that any KID can go through.

be honest with yourself and make sure that's what YOU want at the end.

good luck mate and i hope that you can find the answer in YOUR self

Musty118

2006-12-21 11:21:38 · answer #3 · answered by musty118 2 · 0 0

Wow, Arron. First of all I'm very sorry that you and your children have to go through this. She obviously is not putting her children at the top of her list of priorities. Nor her marriage. Will you ever be able to forgive her and trust her? If not, don't stay with her because if you can't get past this then it will fester over the years and lead to resentment.....and possibly hatred for her. Your children deserve better and so do you. If she can only think of her own needs and not consider those of her family, then she has some issues she needs to deal with. Apparently she didn't realize when she became a mother that her needs don't come first anymore, such as it is when you become a parent. Again, I'm sorry.....and wish you all the very best.

2006-12-21 11:20:19 · answer #4 · answered by Lovinlife 2 · 0 0

Being faithful is one of the most important aspects of any relationship and key to marriage she has destroyed your trust
and the family if she has done this once she has no problem doing it again depending on your job status and such I would consider taking a seperation from each other right now just to get a grip on the situation. You must consider what she has done and it sounds like she has not alot of love for you anymore. Divorce may be in the future but consider staying with a friend
and getting some counselling sessions set-up together to discuss why she may have done this and the reason. God Bless and Good luck.

2006-12-21 11:09:02 · answer #5 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0 0

Don't just cheat to get back at her! It is childish and will only cause more trouble. But if she will not own up to her actions and be fully honest with you then she is not doing her part to fix this. Counselling is probably in your best interest as it will drag everything out in the open where it can be dealt with in a mature manner.

Just remember that your kids are what matters most and that no matter what she is their mother and the two of you are their whole world. Be careful how you behave for their sake.

2006-12-21 10:59:47 · answer #6 · answered by Aloe-ish-us 4 · 0 0

You are in a jam because the 3 children need a mother and a father. You will need to think about what is best for the children. That requires that you put aside your rightfully hurt feelings.

Perhaps you 2 will have to live like roommates until the children are grown. At least they have a mom and dad in the home.

Don't expect to ever fully trust her again. But try not to hurt your kids.

2006-12-21 11:04:02 · answer #7 · answered by adamsjrcn 3 · 1 0

It sounds like you need to move on. Even though there are children involved and that is extremely hard on everyone, you also have to remember that she is being selfish and not thinking about you or her kids. She is being irresponsible and not remembering where her home truly lies. If she were thinking about anyone but herself, she would have been responsible enough to talk to you about this when it started happening. If she say she wants to stay together, get professional help and see if that is really what you should do. If she really wanted to stay together, she would have come forward with her cheating and not had you find out the hard way. Honesty is a hard thing to do, but when you truly love someone, you have to do the right thing.

2006-12-21 11:00:52 · answer #8 · answered by Jul M 2 · 0 0

due to her hiding the truth, and u having to find out on your own, don't think she can ever be truthful, think she planned to keep seeing him, and use u to take care of other things. don't do to her what she did to you, you would just be stooping to her level, and it would hurt your self worth in the process. you have children and sometimes divorce would also mean alot of problems for u financially speaking. ask her to go to therapy, with u. make some changes in the relationship, it will be hard to forget it, u may never be able to. know that your marriage may never feel the same. know that this is a problem with in herself and has noting to do with who u are. get counseling first, than if it doesn't work u will have to look at the situation again and make a decision. absolute honesty is important right now, need alot of communication, so u can voice your hurt, she needs to know u won't be able to go right back into the trust u once had for her, that it will take time, and will all be determined by her actions.

2006-12-21 11:07:49 · answer #9 · answered by jude 7 · 0 1

She forgave your mistakes in the past, you should forgive hers. Don't leave your family because of this. She wants to work it out, go get counselling together, it works. Maybe she was unconsciously doing this to get "even" with you for your gambling. Women have affairs out of resentment a lot, it's not always sexual. She is probably glad you found out. Don't leave unless you absolutely can't fix it. Think about your family! It might not seem like it now, but you can get your marriage back. Good luck.

2006-12-25 05:09:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Be strong. First I would go over your finances. Make sure that she is contributing her fair half to all your combined bills. Second any money that is left over from your paycheck you start putting in your own private acct. She needs to learn to live within her means if she's going to pull this crap. Next demand access to every email account including inviting your to her work to go through her email there, voice mail and cell phone. Then since it sounds like she works with this guy have her file have her meet with HR with you to see what if any harassment charges can be filed. Next have her find a new job. Then tell her that this is just the beginning to repair the damage she has done. Finally you both need to start seeing a counselor.

2006-12-21 11:07:20 · answer #11 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0 0

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