my husband & i don't communicate well-neither of us has the skills, but we both have the desire....?

Question

i want to try counselling because i don't know where else to get those skills & without them i'm sure we'll get divorced soon (i'm very upset about this as this is my second marriage & we've only been married a VERY short while) but my husband REFUSES counselling, even though i've told him where i think we're heading without it. i don't know what else to do. i've read books on communication (in the past) but he hasn't ever & whenever we have an issue he tends to use statements like "you always" etc. and it eventually puts me on the defensive no matter how hard i try, & then it almosts gets to the shouting stage. i really try, but i don't know what else to do to try & stop it from getting out of hand so that we start disrepecting each other during an argument. and i also don't know how to mend things well, it seems i always have to swallow my pride and apologize & it doesn't occur to him to do so. it's getting more than frustrating. please help!

adamsjrcn- i already do those things every day. nothing i do seems to be enough for him! our latest fight was because i was too busy at work to meet him for lunch (i told him why) but he got mad cuz i "still had time to call him"... wtf?!? i don't get it & he seems to think it's so obvious what's wrong cuz he's 'explained it' several times.

Answer 1

I read and understand your dilemma. First thing first, don't even think about divorce if you do not want one. You are still in the settling stage of your marriage(very short while) . Give it some time and it will work out if you do not believe in ending in divorce again. In the meantime, use the silent treatment. Say the less you can upon an argument, do not try to be right by making a point. After a while, your husband will get used to the approach that"you don't talk, you don't answer back" which will make an argument very short. Someone has to be the "bigger person" Be it, be the peace maker for the sake of saving your marriage. Counseling is not foolproof to save a marriage, In the house, do not say or admit that you are heading toward a divorce. This confession or other negative words of your mouth will lead you to a negative scenario. Be positive, when there is a turmoil, say loudly that you are not getting a divorce, you believe in the marriage life and that is the reason why you got married again. Say positive things with conviction and you will be surprised how gradually things will change for the better in your house environment. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

Hello Dear =)

If you can't talk (and a lot of people can't).... try writing letters to each other. It sounds silly, I know, but it often works.

Most of us don't have the capacity to think clearly when we are on the defensive (or offensive) and end up saying really stupid things, which have nothing to do with how we really feel.

Letters, however, give you the ability to calmly express your needs, wants, and feelings, and hopefully, you can get somewhere.

I'm unsure, though, why you married someone whom you cannot communicate with, and are having problems with after such a short time. Not being judgmental, just not really understanding. Perhaps separation might be the best choice.

Namaste,

--Tom

Answer 3

If he won't attend counseling, start going yourself. You don't want a second marriage to end, but without communication you have nothing to build on. A professional can at least give you advice on what's going to be the best for you. And don't swallow your pride, you're better than that.

Answer 4

If he doesn't want to go to therapy then a book on marriage and communication (probably can find one that works on communication) will be of help. Communication is key in a relationship as I am sure you know. Try reading the book or reading it together.

Answer 5

i don't get how communication can be a skill but it is nowadays....it's very sad that ppl just don't know how to talk to each other.

Just frickin' talk to him honestly and openly without yelling or accusing...usually the reason why ppl don't have communication skills is b/c they really never have grown up past the age of 10...the name calling age.

If you want to communicate well you have to mentally grow up first...both you and your husband. Stop blaming one other for the problems in your lives and actually own up to something...it's not ALL his fault and its not ALL your fault...the first step is admitting you BOTH could be wrong and then you go from there.

Answer 6

I highly recommend letter writing. When you have a disagreement, each of you goes to a separate place and writes down what they feel and how they see the issue. Then you can trade letters. It gives each of you a chance to be heard without interruptions and leaves no room for people to say things they don't mean to say just because they are angry or hurt.

Answer 7

Try going to counseling on your own. It can be very helpful. At least then you can know that you did try to make the marriage work.

Answer 8

say something sweet to him every day for the next thirty days.

give him a hug and tell him you love him every day for the next 30 days.

tell him something that you genuinely appreciate about him, especially something he has done, every day for the next 30 days.
Don't hold back on sex.

Do those 4 things, and I betcha you will be communicating very well. Skip the therapy. Just be nice to him. He will be nice to you in return (unless you married an incorrigible jerk).

Answer 9

I would say that you are on the right track...you need to go to counseling and figure out how to communicate with each other....if you don't then you surely will not be together soon.....too bad.....get him to go...somehow...good luck

Answer 10

if he also has the desire as u claim above....why dont you try ask him his way about communication. what does he suggest that is the problem or the solution.