Is daughter overprotected or spoiled? Parents please respond only.?

Question

I have 3 sons, no girls and I'm trying to help with my niece. She's nearly 18, a senior in high school and a below average student. The problem? She's struggling to try and keep her grades at the passing level. Currently, she's flunking chemistry and history.

She's always given assignments well ahead of time, but does nothing until the last minute, she doesn't ask the teacher any questions about the material she doesn't understand, which is most of the time and her mom steps in to do the assignment, with my niece not doing anything.

The little grades she does make on her own, she will fuss at the teacher if it's a low or flunking grade and will basically give up on everything. She doesn't work after school, she doesn't play sports, she mostly gets on the computer, with her xanga site or myspace and blog. She doesn't do drugs, has friends, talks on the phone, is she just lazy? Is her mom spoiling her by doing her homework? How do I help her address the problem?

I would stay out of it, but her mother, my sister, laments to me about her, wondering out loud, on the phone, to me, what to do with her.

My oldest son is a year behind her and due to his laziness in his freshman year, he had to repeat English I in his sophomore year, it wasn't that he COULDN'T do the work, he was lazy and it was up to him whether he wanted it bad enough, it was my sister who said, "let him sink or swim." She also said she couldn't stand to watch her daughter struggle so hard that's why she does her assignments.

Answer 1

if you do everything for your kid,you are harming them ,not helping them. you won't be there for them forever,that means they have to learn to do for themselves. you have to let them fall before they can walk. you have to let them fail before they can succeed.

Answer 2

Well I am not the mother of a teenager yet.... but I am not that old either! I was like that in my late teens... (i am 26 now) It may seem harsh... but pulling the plug on the computer may be a good idea... at least for a while. Their is something bigger going on here though it seems. My freshman and sophomore year in school were exactly like that. out of those two years I think my highest grade was a C-. Not pleasant. I was also borderline suicidal and depressed, seriously needing medication but refused to talk to my parents about it. (I have been on anti depressants since I was 17, and can't really function normally with out them.) What may surprise you is that she may be hiding a lot more than you think. Are you SURE she doesn't or hasn't done drugs or drink??? My parents had NO clue about my life. I did do drugs in school, drank every weekend. All I wanted was my next fix. My mother was also a big part of my problem. We had some serious personality clashes in my house, and even now... years later, I can't be with her for very long without being upset. The thing that helped me was my Aunt. and this is where you may need to step in. My aunt was a trustworthy person, and I could talk to her. I would call her and talk to her about every other day to help me work things out. She helped my go to the doctor when I went on my anti depressants, and she even talked to my mother for me because I couldn't gather the courage. When I got pregnant at 18 she was the first to know. She is like a best friend to me... even now, years later. I guess what I am trying to say is that your niece may be reaching out for attention because SOMETHING is bothering her... and she need the right person to help her out of it. Talk to her and see if she will open up, and keep it confidential.. (unless it is truly serious) because at that age.. still rather young, she may not want to be judged or punished by her parents. Please just try to talk to her and see if their is an underlying problem! Good luck!

Answer 3

The first thing mom needs to do is get rid of the computer. Sounds like that is all your niece wants to do. Second, you don't learn anything if someone else does your homework for you, by the way that is called cheating. Have mom talk to her teachers, if she asks the teachers will e-mail her the daily homework. I had to do this with my daughter. Then you know what the work is, and there is absolutely no phone, friends, or computer until mom checks to make sure the work is completed. Mom checks her answers and makes her look up and correct whatever she got wrong. That way she will actually learn something.

Answer 4

I feel sorry for both the mother and your niece because in the real world everything is not going to be handed to her. How will she hold a job? Then you question, "Who is the parent here?" The mother is not teaching here any responsibility and the one who is going to suffer is her daughter. Just pray she doesn't end up pregnant. As the aunt I would suggest you talk to your niece. If she is lacking so bad I have the impression that there is no male in the household or having some serious issues.

Answer 5

Maybe by explaining to "mom" that doing it for her isn't going to help her. I think homework is a stepping stone for life. It shows she has to prepare herself for what lays ahead. An I must say that having someone do the work for them isn't teaching them anything, except handouts are easy to come by. Life certainly isn't that way. I know that for a fact. If all else fails in having the "chat" then suggest getting a tutor to at least aide in bringing up her grade. Chemistry is hard enough without waiting to the last minute to do the assignment. It's why I didn't even bother taking the course when I was in high school. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor!

Answer 6

I don't know how much you can do to improve the situation. They'd have to want your help. Your sister isn't doing her child any favors though, so I don't know if I'd call it overprotecting OR spoiling. It's probably just taking the easy road out - because it'd be tougher to get the niece on track. Her job as a parent is to teach her child how to be a self sufficient, productive member of society. She's not doing this - so the child will probably stay a child and rely on her well into adulthood. You could possibly point that out to your sister.

Answer 7

I was sort of the same way as far as school work. I was lazy & so is she.
The mom isn't helping by doing her homework. My parents refused to and I would always be up late at crunch time to get a passing grade.

Now I wish I had taken it more seriously on the other hand I have learned from my mistakes and any classes i take now I'm much more serious about now.

Sometimes they have to make their own mistakes. Even if it's hard to watch.

Answer 8

You shoukd politely tell your sister she is making a mistake, she cant go thru life doing everything for her becaue she is stuggling she is spoiling her an it will bite her in the *** later because she will expect her mother to supply her food clothes and shelter for the rest of her life, it comes a time when u need to make kid sgrow up they need to sink or swim she is ruining that child and no man is going to want her if she cant take care of herself u if love your neice gice her some tuff lov or better yet let her come live with me, she neds some rules standards and consequences no computer phones or friends if she cant get passing grades if she wants to run off at the mouth whoop her ***

Answer 9

It's too late to change any part of her personality - this is a mistake that most people make, trying to mold someone into something they are not - it does not work past the age of 7 usually. What she needs now is career focusing. She needs to be steered toward what she is going to do to make a living. She also needs to understand that she needs to graduate from high school properly in order to get on with her life. A little bit of positive motivation for the future will do her a world of good.

Answer 10

Just tell her mom to get her a tutor, and if they can't afford it, there's always peer tutoring (there was at my school at least when I was her age). Also, try talking to her counselor because I believe that's what happend to me when I was a freshman, but I quickly buckled up after we (the school, my parent's and i) had a "meeting" and decided what to do with my failing grades. Anyway, at least she's not getting threatend with remedial school or getting switched there to an alternative school. Finally, getting expelled all together for bad grades! Good luck!

Answer 11

Wow, 18 and mom still does her homework?! That is spoiled. I would recommend that you get her a calender manager (palm), and a book on getting organized. Her mom is making it hard for her to learn to schedule and plan if she does the work for her, it's one thing to help when they are little but to be doing the work is never a good idea. Hope this helps!