How do I get my hubby to be more open with what is bothering him?

Question

We have been together for quite some time now and communication has been great but when it comes to something bothering him he bottles it up and doesn't tell me about it, i feel like i have to nag him to get the problem out of him and I don't like having to do that with him. I need to find a better way to approach him about opening up to me about what is going on. For instance we found a house that is PERFECT it has all that we need and is a good first time home for the both of us. He agreed on that. and then the next day he says no I don't want it but can't give a reason as to why. He makes up reasons that are not even good reasons such as I don't like that size of the porch or something stupid like that. MEN how can I as a women get him to open up more and feel that he doesn't have to hold in what is bothering him??

Answer 1

Just let him know you are there for him, and you will listen to him. When he does open up, do you start yelling or berate him in any way? Just listen! He doesnt want you to solve his problem, unless he asks you to.

Answer 2

Wow... he sounds like me.

Ok this is how my significant other and I used to handle the problem. Whenever there was a large decision, we would actually sitdown and have a quiet dinner and talk about the situation at hand. Prior to the dinner, we would each come up with a pros and cons list and present it to one another. This would be on a Friday night, and then we would get a chance to think about each others lists on Saturday, followed up by another dinner on Sunday to come to a conclusion. Even though it's a long process, it gives each of us to see the others point of view.

If you want him to open up more, you need to do something that could help put his guard down. What's always done to me that works is getting real cozy after a good meal, walk on the beach. Pretty much, some alone time with just the two of you should help him feel at ease.

It's not necessary to nag because if you said it once, twice, or three times, it's already in his head on how you feel, and now it's up to him to give you his answer. If his response in a short one and you seem frustrated because of the answer, wait a while. maybe a few hours or even the next day to ask why he came up with the answe that he did. He'll most likely have a clear head with less pressure from the night before.

There should be no reason to keep pushing the situation because all that will happen will be you getting more frustrated for him not having a good response to your question, and him also shutting you out because of the constant questioning.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 3

I had the same problem when I was in the market for my first home. It got to the point where I just initiated everything and he had no say, because he didn't want to be involved. When it came time to signing he was there though, but the months that it took for it to happen, I was the one dealing with the banks, copying every financial record we had for the last 2 years, writing letters to clear up wrong entries in both our credit reports. I have recentment issues due to that and much more. If he doesn't care how I feel, I am to the point where I don't care how he feels anymore either. That's not the best attitude but I am tired of putting in more all the time.

Answer 4

Put him first in your marriage..(The reason I say this is because your ID is Owen's mommy - maybe he feels that he is not getting enough attention and needs to be first some times). Being a mother is the most important job in the world, don't get me wrong. But stop and try to put yourself into his shoes and his frame of mind. Maybe he has anxiety about making this purchase right now. Maybe he's worried that he will always be 2nd. Buying a home is a big deal and can be stressful though very rewarding.

When things are quiet, like before you go to bed, speak softly to him and ask him what's on his mind or about what worries he has about the house or work or whatever. When things are more calm, he may be more focused and open to talking.

Answer 5

maybe he doesn't want to start a conflict by telling you certain things. which you and i both know doesn't work because then you get frustrated because he's not being open and honest with you. but as a guy, i can tell you that nagging doesn't make a man want to talk. it has quite the opposite effect. in your example, you assume he has other reasons and are not accepting the ones he gives you. maybe he just has a bad feeling about it, but that in itself sounds like something you wouldn't accept. you think the house is perfect and he finds some fault with it. try being more objective when you have differing opinions, set a precedence and perhaps that'll trigger him to be more open.

Answer 6

Nagging will probably make him clam up, as no one likes to be pushed all the time. Nagging is griping, not supportive.

I don't know if this will work immediately, but everything I have ever read about men and their ability to communicate with their wives comes down to trust. If a man feels that you support him and will not judge him for sharing his feelings with you, he is more likely to open up. Assuring him that you will not belittle him for being emotional and offering support may help encourage him to share what is bothering him.

As far as the house goes, maybe you can sit down together and write a list of pros and cons of that particular house, as well as others you have looked at. Maybe he has a reason, but even he is unsure as to what it is. Maybe he is feeling stressed financially and is too proud to tell you.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

Women like to share just about all their feelings, but men tend to see themselves as problem solvers. They often feel they don't need to tell what's bothering them and often say nothing's wrong, while at the same time trying to come up with a solution for themselves. Maybe he doesn't want to bother you with his problems. Give him time to himself to think.
Nagging will only irritate him. Just let him know you would like to know what's going on in his head and that you are there to listen to him, when he feels the need to share.
Do not judge his reasons. What may seem stupid to you, can be an issue for him. People don't all think and fee alike. Show him you love him and give him space to be himself.

Answer 8

You have to confront the issue. Tell him that your feel like he is not opening up to you, and that he bottles things in. Tell him you want to understand the reasons why he feels a certain way. Tell him you just want to understand and you won't judge the answers he gives. You have to convince him that no matter what he says, he won't be judged or looked on as he is failing to make you happy.

Women complain about their problems, and men think it's their job to solve it, but women just want to vent and get empathy.

Men don't complain about their problems, because they figure if the woman can't solve the problem, why burden her with it?

You need to explain to you husband that just because you may not be able to help him deal with an issue, doesn't mean that you aren't concerned for his well-being.

Answer 9

Prez say that men arent like women. Prez say men go to their man friends and say "dude this happened..." and their friends come up with a solution. Prez say women on other hand just look for someone to listen and not give solution. Prez say because of this man have hard time talking to woman the way you want them to. Prez say this part of the problem between men and woman and men and women need better understanding of each other. Prez say he will talk if and when he is ready. Prez say good luck. Prez better know.

Answer 10

My husband hates nagging, and he will pull away the more I push sometimes. So maybe you just have to back off a little and hopefully he will come to you. But definitely do communicate to him that he is making you feel bad.

Answer 11

my boyfriend is always like, 'i have to tell you something' then hes like nvm. so i just say 'ok' then he knows im not desperate to know all his personal stuff all the time. then when he seems to be worrying about something, or he just doesnt seem the same, i ask him how his day was, how he slept, or whats bothering him. if he says nothing, tell him you love him and you cant make things better if he wont tell you whats wrong. tell him youre there for him, and if he feels that uncomfortable telling you whats on his mind, he needs to be able to trust you if you are going to move in together.
i hope this works for you. i know it works for me.