im going back and forth between my pride and my feelings to let my ex fiance take our daughter on christmas. he is staying at the house of the woman he had an affair with while i was 8 months pregnant. he ultimately chose this woman over his own daughter. he has come by to see her once, but he has supposedly been working a lot and would really like to see her on christmas so he can spend time with her. i dont want him here because it will be awkward for my family, but i dont want my daughter to go over there and be with the OW. she has everything of mine and my daughter is the only thing she cannot touch or take away. i also feel like he should be miserable for one day and really see the decision he chose , when he chose to leave his daughter. but a huge part of me is the bigger person and wants to let him see her. so what do i do, should i let him see her? or should i try to make him understand the consequences of what he did? (O.W knew i was pregnant when she started affair)
2006-12-21 05:18:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
she is only 6 weeks old, so it would'nt affect her.
2006-12-21 05:27:50 · update #1
What I would do - Right now I would keep my child close to me, and allow the father to visit but not keep her, i would not want the other woman to get to close to my child because of how it would effect me. Personally I would not even be speaking to him. Wait until she is old enough to decide where she wants to spend christmas. Remind him that he made his choice. And tell him you dont want your daughter around her.
2006-12-21 05:24:51 · answer #1 · answered by ExpressWebDesigns.com 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I work law enforcement and deal with stuff like this. First of all, let me ask if you have your ex listed on the birth certificate as the father. If so, as the father he has as much right to the child as you do. You call him your ex-fiance, so I'm assuming there was never a marriage. Have you gone to the courts to get papers (if he is listed on the birth certificate) giving you sole custody or primary physical custody of the child and spelling out his custodial/visitation rights. My job comes into play when the father who has not seen the child for long periods of time decides he wants the child and skips town with him/her. The first thing I have to look at is the court papers, and if there are none, there is nothing I can do to get the child back, as the father has as much right to that child as the mother. If he is not listed on the birth certificate, then the visitation and how much interaction he has with her is entirely up to you.
If there are court papers, and they specify that he has child support payments and he isn't making them (as so many fall into this category) you cannot use that as a reason for withholding the child as they have nothing to do with each other.
I think the ultimate decisiion comes down to what's best for your daughter. Will she benefit from seeing him and having him in her life? Sometimes it isn't healthy. You need to come to some terms with the ex. As the OW is in his life, you can't use your daughter as a pawn and tell him he can't see her when the OW is present. Don't make him choose, because it could totally backfire on you.
If anythihg either of you do impacts your daughter and puts her in a tug of war, you shouldn't do it. Your daughter could come out very damaged as it is her role to love both of her parents and not take sides, and it is each of your roles to do what is best for her.
2006-12-21 07:59:33 · answer #2 · answered by suess 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your former fiance did not choose the woman over his daughter - he chose the woman over you. I do not mean to be cruel but that is the issue and you want him to pay for it. The other woman does not everything of yours......because he was not yours.
You must grow into acceptance and realize that your daughter's well being [being involved with both parents] overrides any personal feelings you harbor over the broken relationship. Do not confuse apples with oranges. As far as trying to make him understand the consequences of what he did....to what end? and the only consequence was not being in the home with his child.
Allow your child time with her father.
2006-12-21 07:30:00 · answer #3 · answered by sage seeker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life is life so be it you are both adults andknow right from wrong i`m sure but my question is why do adults always use the kids?It is not not the baby`s fault and keeping the baby from the Daddy is selfish did you grow up without knowing your father not pleasant i have a grandaughter who is 8 and she has spoke with her daddy only twice in her life and to see the hurt in her eyes when she see`s other`s with there daddy`s is so hard to accept i would pay the guy`s way 4 states if he`d just come see her 1 time so please don`t be selfish and let that baby know it`s daddy if you don`t you will have to explain someday and then you will be the bad one.Good luck to you
2006-12-21 06:04:31 · answer #4 · answered by maxine101 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You must understand, your ex did not leave his daughter he left you. Also you are the mother, nobody can take that away, nobody. If you keep him from her, it will come back to haunt you later in life, he is the father. As adults we must act as such, and being the bigger person is always self rewarding. The choise is yours and one you must be comfortable with. From my own experience never use the children as a tool for self gain. There will come a day when he finds what he has given up can never be recovered, that's when he will find his misery.
2006-12-21 06:15:44 · answer #5 · answered by John L 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's Christmas.....let him see her with you there and for only 1/2 hour to an hour. You'll be the bigger person and a good mom, but you won't be giving in completely. What a couple of jerks they are! I hope you find a much better man than that creep. I'm sorry to hear that, but I hope you have a great Christmas inspite of it and best of luck to you.
2006-12-21 05:34:45 · answer #6 · answered by mr_slacker70 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have been seperated from my ex-husband for three years...so i understand. my situation is alittle diffrent though. I feel though I can get decent perspective on it though. Seeing as how you are the primary "cargiver" to your daughter, and a constant in her life, I would keep keep her with you on Christmas, especially since you'll have family around. If he is serious about wanting to spend time with her, and not just using that to try and hurt you, he will be happy to make other arrangments and see her when it is convient for you and him. He can't excpect to abandon his own daughter, and still reap the rewards of Christmas and other holidays. It's not fair to you or your child to allow him to act this way. It may be in your intrest to look into getting a legal visitation schedule. Hope I helped
2006-12-21 05:29:49 · answer #7 · answered by blevins2147 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your daughter is only 6 weeks old, she is counting on you to protect her and care for her. If you feel she would be harmed by this do not allow her to leave. She is too young to be away from her mother anyway as far as I am concerned. You know her routine they don't have a clue and routine is so important to her at this time. Follow your gut always follow your gut instinct when it comes to your kids
2006-12-21 05:50:30 · answer #8 · answered by prettybird 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he did not leave his daugther it was you he left.. sorry i know that was harsh and i understand how you must feel,, but don't let this cloud your judgment.. let him have for few hours on Christmas,, if you start now maybe they will develop a relationship like they should..but if over time you see he don't come to get her as much as he should or puts other things first and it is hurting her then you must do what ever to protect her.. for now if he will take good care of her what is a couple of hours
2006-12-21 07:03:02 · answer #9 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't it's going to hurt because I know you want her daddy to be with her, But it's not good for the child to see there other women taking the role of her mother. Wait till they get married or something then it's different because you'll know he serious. Let him see her at the grandparents house. I know it's hurt girl I 'am going through the same thing.But, be strong and keep focused on your child not his feelings don't let him still control you.
2006-12-21 05:34:42 · answer #10 · answered by melly 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
We are talking about Christmas not some random Wednesday night. I think it is great that he wants to be a part of her life but he needs to earn Christmas. He can not just put in the effort when it is convienient for him or when a major holiday roles around. I think you need to let him know that if he wants to be a part of her life he can but that it needs to be on a regular basis. I know that it would be hard for you to watch him take her especially knowing about the other women but you have to think about your child's needs. Definately not this Christmas...not fair to you or your daughter.
2006-12-21 05:28:13 · answer #11 · answered by Love2 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋