I need to know if I need to report this. Was what happened to me rape?

Question

I'm 18 and a freshman in college and I was a virgin until two weeks ago. I was at a house party and I was drinking (I know I know I shouldn't have been.) Anyhow this guy started making out with me and one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in a dark bedroom in the back of the house and he was on top of me. I tried to get away and struggled for a bit but he was bigger than me so I couldn't. I wanted to scream out for him to stop but I didn't. When he was inside me it hurt so much I can't even describe. When it was over I was crying and he just left the room. I feel like this scrumbag ruined my life. I was saving myself for marriage. Now all I think about is that I want to die.

I found out who he was. He's a star player on our football team. If I report this it will make the news. Maybe even national news becuase I've been told he's really, really good and a lot of people across the country know who he his.

I just don't know what to do.

Answer 1

It was rape.

I was formerly a prosecutor, I primarily handled sex crimes. I have also done volunteer work with sex crime victims.

I know this is very difficult for you. PLEASE quit putting youself down and blaming yourself. Do not pay attention to those who say not to put yourself in this position. No matter what you did you did not ask or consent to this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Do not let this scumbag keep control over you by thinking poorly of yourself.

I know all this is easy to say. But please try. You do need to talk with someone. I am hoping you have close friends. Do not hesitate to contact a professional. This stuff is important.

You may wish to call the Rape hotline. They can also help with counseling--although the quality and advise obtained can vary.

I would personally like you to bring charges. He deserves it. And if it gets publicity this is a good message to send out to other creeps like him.

I do realize it is very hard to go through these prosecutions. And I can not honestly say you will fell better after having done it. But I will say that many girls have told be they do (and honestly some have told me otherwise).

At almost any police station or prosecuting attorney's office these days you will meet with well trained staff that are sympathetic to what has been done to you. And they will know how to treat you and spell out your options.

But please don't keep it inside yourself--do not blame yourself, do not think less of yourself.

If I can be of any more help please e-mail.

-hug-

Answer 2

Yes, that is rape. You said no, struggled, and he did it anyway. You should report it, because not only was what he did wrong, but if he gets away from this, he'll do it again to another girl. He probably already has. Don't be afraid of what other people will think of you. You know what happened. You need to do what is right for you. You can take legal action as far as you want to, but don't let him get away with this. Also, it's better to do it sooner rather than later, because if you wait too long there won't be enough evidence against him to make a successful case.

As far as yourself, get yourself checked out for STDs and physical damage. Talk to someone you trust, they can give you advice, comfort, etc. When my best friend was raped, talking really helped her.

What this guy did to you was wrong. Period. End of story. And don't blame yourself, because it's his own fault he's a pig.

Good luck, doll, whatever you decide to do.

Answer 3

First off I want to empathize with what you are going through. Any suffering is real to those who are going through it and should be given the appropriate compassion.

With this said what may have been going through his mind might have been completely different than what was going through your mind. You mentioned that you did not verbally convey your unwillingness. You also mentioned you struggled for a bit. Maybe because of the alcohol and him being bigger than you he did not recognize your unwillingness. The alcohol may have affected not just your perception but his as well.

In college I use to do quite a bit of drinking and at one point things got out of control and things happened to me that otherwise would not have if I had not been drinking so much. After this point I severely cut back on my drinking which showed long term benefits.

When you are young it takes time to learn these lessons. It would be nice if we would take some responsible adults word but often we don't believe until we see the results themselves.

Going back to the issue of whether this was rape or not. I know many people will say it was for sure. If it was his intention to take advantage of you against your will then I would say it was without a doubt rape.

The only problem with this particular situation was that alcohol was involved eschewing the perceptions of both of you. The line between when you guys were just making out and the point you actually had sex might have been very blurry.

I know this situation is not cool but unless you know this guys intention was to force himself upon you I would caulk it up to a situation that got out of hand and protect yourself in the future by not letting yourself be altered to such an extent.

Again I am so sorry for your pain and hope you will find healing soon no matter which way you chose to look at this situation legally.

Answer 4

This is considered rape. Even if you didn't scream no. You need to report this to the police and call a rape line for support. You need to tell people asap, do not wait, if the media gets involved they will use that against you.
Rape with alcohol is still rape. Read the laws about rape, you will see that what happened is wrong. Also, if you are a religious person go to your priest or whomever and speak with them. THey can give you support with the struggle of having this taken from you before you gave it away at marriage.

Answer 5

Report it to the police, and don't give up until they take you seriously. Unfortunately it happened two weeks ago and I'm not sure the doctors could find any evidence on you from the rape. Just because he is a football player doesn't mean you should back down! Too many guys get away with rape because the girl is drunk, I hope your case will not be twisted to blame you for underage drinking. If you cannot bring yourself to make a police report, at least go to a counselor because you need to straighten out your feelings about what he did. Please do not allow him to ruin your life, he should not have the power to control how you feel about yourself!!

Answer 6

Since you did not go to the hospital rape will be hard to prove. Please do not put yourself in that position again. If you are drinking BUDDY UP with a girlfriend so you can keep each other in check if things get wild. If you are saving yourself for marriage, you might want to let the men who are interested in you arware of that so nobody can say you led them on. What you can do (and should do) is tell other young women at school what kind of person he is and the manner in which he attacked you. It would be a good idea to file a police report as well even though it is two weeks later.

Answer 7

If it was rape then you would have had no problem reporting it to everyone at the party and having the police called straight away. You did not do that because you knew that you encouraged the behaviour and only felt guilty after the deed was done. Learn from this mistake and never repeat it again.

Answer 8

Report it, report it, report it! Drinking or not, rape is rape and he should be convicted. Do you really think this is the first and last time he'll commit rape? He may well be a star player and feel entitled through his inflated ego. Problem is, you're going to have a hard time proving it since you waited, bless your heart. You also need to get counseling, they'll be able to advise you as to what route to pursue. I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience.

Answer 9

I think it is rape if you tried to stop him and he knew you didn't want to then he raped you. Its not your fault you didn't wait till marriage its not like you wanted to so technically you are still wait for the right time after your married. If you report him you will get something big started. If you are ready to talk to the news people and all that stuff then turn him in. It wont be easy you will go through alot of suffering but if you made it through this you could make it through that. If i were you id turn him in noone deserves to go through that. Talk to everyone tell you mom and dad and let them know. This is Scotts friend Kayla Follow your heart and make the right decision. You know what that is and he will pay for what he has done!

Answer 10

I am so very sorry that this situation happened to you. It is shameful that anyone can take advantage of any young woman under the influence of alcohol. Your perception and feelings are completely understandable and totally valid. We all empathize with you. It’s times like these that I wish I could go back in time, but we can’t so you must move on with your life.

Let’s examine the facts…
You were drinking.
He was drinking.
You were both into each other at least on a physical level.
You seemed willing to him. No means no. But does a lack of No mean yes? To him it did.

Because of the environment and your state of mind (thanks to the alcohol) you let the situation go to far. But it was by no means your fault because that line was no doubt very blurry in your state of mind. It’s difficult enough to see that line while in the embrace of passion. Add alcohol to the situation and you are practically blind to the line. Still, the responsibility should ALWAYS be the man’s to make sure that the girl is okay with it but in this day and age men are pigs and they aren’t taught to respect and cherish women. So a girl’s got to be even more diligent. You didn’t expect that you would be taken advantage of since you were probably not taught how awful guys can be. Now you know. I am so sorry that you had to learn this lesson this way.

Since he did not know your intentions I’m afraid that I have to side with Love of Truth and say that under the legal definition it wasn’t rape. You would have a hard time proving it. But for all practical purposes it WAS rape because you didn’t want it. That's why you are getting so many people saying that you should go to the authorities. If you do that it will be tough. Very very tough. Since he is so popular he will probably have very good legal representation and it will be extremely difficult to prove your case. The tough part is that you didn't say "no." I would suggest you contact a support group or talk to a councilor.

I would like to encourage you to not let it effect the relationships you might have with guys in the future. It will probably be difficult to let any man into your heart for awhile and that’s understandable. Take a break from guys for awhile. But don't let it be permanent. Keep on the lookout for a good decent guy. One day you will find one who will accept this situation and love you even more for it.

You really should seek counseling. It will really help you to move past this. Be careful. Someone mentioned have a girlfriend there to look out for you. Good idea. But don’t push all guys away. Don’t let the situation ruin your life. It will only ruin your life if you let it.

I know that this is a difficult time for you since this event did seem to ruin your life. You had such dreams and hopes and now they seem completely ruined. I completely understand and celebrate your desire to save yourself for marriage. Bravo to you. Your intention is what matters, not what happened in the end. But I’d like to encourage you. Life for you will go on and in the end when you do marry, your guy will be so loving and caring that the wedding night will be so special that none of this will seem to matter then. He will make you feel so cherished and loved. When you are finally with your husband you might think on this tough time, but that will help you to appreciate the moment you are with your husband all the more. You might one day share this experience with him and he will be very supportive about it. I can assure you that any guy who loves you will look upon this situation with as much anger and pain as you are feeling now. And he will show you how much he is sorry that it ever happened. If anything he will love you more.

I did.

Good luck and God bless you.