she also told me she wasnt a virgin, one person date raped her and she put it away, I went into mad depression and because I yelled at her she took my kids and went to her sisters, I lost sight of the real important thing "her" I love her with every atom in my body, she is my life, she thinks I dont truly love her anymore, fear its over and I so want her to be my wife til death do us part, any advice?
2006-12-21 03:53:34 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
That sucks, well welcome to adulthood. My only advice is that maybe the two of you are both too young and need some parental supervision yourselves.
2006-12-21 03:56:42 · answer #1 · answered by Frank R 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
so your wife tells you about a tragic horrible thing that hapened to her an incident that she had no controlover where she was the victim and you yelled at her..... Oh nice one!
For years she carried inside herself the fact that someone stole her virginity, hurt her and she would have been full of shame, guilt, anger, fear, hurt about that and eventually she trusts you enough to tell you this most difficult of things........ and the only thing you give a **** about is that your wife wasnt a virgin when you married...
Sorry you deserve to lose her...You were angry at the wrong person. You took your selfish little temper tantrum out on the wrong person.
Why is it that you did not draw her close to you and say that you are really sorry that happened to her and ask her what it is she needs? Why were you so wrapped up in the fact she wasnt a physical virgin whenyou married and how come a year later you still havent got it....
If she was raped and that is the only sexual experience she had before marrying you..... She WAS a virgin when you married... She never chose to have sex with anyone until she married you... In my books that means she was a virgin.... and you are cold heartless person that does not deserve such a woman..
2006-12-21 06:33:47 · answer #2 · answered by wollemi_pine_writer 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your temper and attitude is probably why she took so long to tell you in the first place. It's in the past. LEAVE IT THERE. Never bring it up again to hurt her in an argument or anything. get some anger management help. I'm glad you realized the most important thing that you lost sight of. I also am thinking you did more than yell to drive her away with the kids. People yell all the time. I wouldnt pick up my kids and run off cause my hubby yelled about anything. I'd yell back. (It's called an argument) you don't say how long she has been gone or how long it took you to realize this. Get help, and prove to her that you mean it and then try talking to her.
2006-12-21 04:02:29 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Your wife has been in agony for most of her life because of this secret that she could not share with anyone until now.
She must have felt some ease when she decided to reveal her nightmare with the one person she truly felt loved her, and she loved.
She wanted to hear words from you of comfort, but the news overwhelmed you.
If she has been a loyal, loving wife and mother all of these years,
and you have never had suspicions, you could have handled this by seeking counseling.
Send her a letter at her sister's house and tell her you want to work things out and if she is willing, then make an appointment for counseling and you can both grow from this.
If both of you truly love each other, you will survive this.
Good luck
2006-12-21 04:44:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all-I don't think it was right that you went and yelled at her for something she couldn't do anything about (aka, date rape.)
But I'm sort of confused about the subject. You say she told you that she was sleeping around WHILE married to you?
If so, then I think you should re-evaluate the situation. Can you forgive her for doing that? Do you think she's still seeing that person? Do you still trust her?
I think if you can truly forgive her and trust her to be faithful from here on out, then you should go to her and just apologize. Tell her you never meant to yell, that it was just a lot of things all at once, and that you "want her to be your wife until death do you part".
See what happens.
2006-12-21 03:58:43 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You go to her and apologize because you don't know the pain she went through when this incident happended. if she told you she must have trusted you and look how you took it. this is something she will have to live with for the rest of her life. and something she's probably never tolden anyone else but the person she knew she could trust for the rest of her life. And the incident you did she wouldn't probably tell you anything else. so my suggestion i think you should do everything in your power to make her feel loved again because getting raped isn't anything to play around with. what if it were you put yourself in that perdicament? how would you feel? and you know she told you after 17 years she felt that it was the right time to open up to her husband and you let her down.
2006-12-21 04:01:37 · answer #6 · answered by dimples 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are very self-centered and immature and I don't blame her for leaving you. To have such a reaction after 17 years of marriage to something that happened before you were married is a testament to that. It isn't like she was selling her body on the street corner and didn't tell you; she was raped...it was not not even consensual sex!
Probably the only chance is marriage counseling to try to build a bridge of trust, but if it were me and I confided something like that and received that response, I would never trust them with any intimate feeling again, I would never want to be intimate with them again and would only have a civil relationship with him for the sake of the kids.
2006-12-21 04:13:47 · answer #7 · answered by bottleblondemama 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do not blame her for being mad at you. She was a VICTIM, and you YELLED at her!!?? Not a smooth move. But it's done now, and it won't help either of you for me to get preachy about it, as I am sure many will.
It sounds corny, and a lot of people are resistant to it, and those people are mostly divorced now... but what you really need now is to find a good marriage counselor. They can help you work through your problems, and it also will show your wife that you value this relationship and want to make it work. It really is worth it. You both could also use to educate yourself on the psychology of rape and being a victim. The marriage counselor can help you with that as well. Good luck!
2006-12-21 03:59:11 · answer #8 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What's your real question, man? I can't make it out from what you write. If this is about keeping your word, believe me, from the way it looks, it takes 2 people to keep things up and runnin' until death do part 'em. I'm afraid you're single by now and you've got to get accustomed to that. Now, the only real thing is the 3 kids you got. Focus on that and do your best to keep your word toward them. Without harming them.
2006-12-21 04:06:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should talk to her and tell her how you feel, make sure that you are very honest and clear about your emotions and desires, and let her know that there is nothing you want more than to be with her and that you can forget everything that happened before and move on with your life with her and that you are not mad at her for not telling you about things that happened 17+ years ago!
2006-12-21 04:00:23 · answer #10 · answered by wantstoknow 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Wow, you screwed up majorly. She trusted you with something very personal and damaging, and you turned on her. If my husband did that, he'd have to do a lot of groveling to even get me to talk to him again. You're her husband. You should ALWAYS be in her corner, especially when it comes to something as horrific as rape.
Tell her what you posted here. Explain to her WHY you reacted the way you did. And then beg her to take you back.
2006-12-21 03:58:43 · answer #11 · answered by mikah_smiles 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋