My best friend has been complaining about her husband's abuse for more htan two years. He does not hit her but verbally abuses her and does not do anything for her. He does not pay bills, buy food or do anything except pay the rent. He recently got a big payoff from his company and he didnt even tell her about it - she has no idea what he did with the money.
Unfortunately, she constantly complains while refusing to move on, though it is quite clear that he has all but moved on from her. As her friend, I'm upset that she is still with him, while swallowing tons of pills for depression. They have two kids. I've run out of advice to give her. What else can I do?
2006-12-21 01:46:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
from personal experience we don't always see what is in front of our face we blind and relent to consider what is happening is just nature she needs to realize sometimes as sad as it sounds marriage is not forever and she has to do what is best for her kids and herself, if she is scared of losing income well she has to consider divorce doesn't mean she will lose any money there is a spouse pension and child support as long as she doesn't remarried she should be allow to receive income from him and if they have a house she will get it and he will still have to help with the bills by law just tell her to fill under the abuse law it might not be physical but verbal still abuse.
2006-12-21 01:56:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Women who constantly complain, yet stay in mentally abusive relationships, are actually comfortable. In their minds, it's better to have less than a man, than no man at all.
It's as if these women have a block in their brains. You can't get through to them, no matter how often you try. The best thing you can do (for yourself) is to leave her alone. Stop giving her advice, and stop wondering why she won't move on. When she gets tired of the abuse--if she gets tired of it, she's do something about it. Otherwise, accept the friendship for what it is, or move on.
2006-12-21 10:23:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's always a tough position to be in. It's wonderful that you're willing to listen and help her, but you can't do much until SHE decides to leave. Sadly, when there is no "physical" abuse, society makes an already hard situation even harder -'why are you leaving him? He doesn't hit you or anything...' As hard as it will be for you, as her friend, at some point you are going to have to say to her - "I am willing to help you improve your life, move on or make the best of your situation, but there's nothing I can do until YOU make a decision and are willing to stand by it." Then when she tries to complain again, you have to turn the conversation -"that sounds tough, when you make a decision, I'll help if I can." Or invite her out to lunch with a "no complaining" rule. All you can talk about is the good that's happening. Don't leave her life, but make her understand that you are willing to help her once she makes a decision, but you are no longer willing to be pulled back and forth in her drama. I know that sounds harsh, it really isn't. I volunteer with domestic violence victims and quite often they really need someone to tell them to make a decision and stick with it. And then that person needs to stand THEIR ground by not letting the victim fall back into the old habits of their friendship with you.
I hope that helps a little. Have resource numbers for her when she starts to complain that there's no one who can or will help her. Be there for her when she's behaving in really positive ways toward herself, her kids, her friends, job, etc. And be unavailable when she's being negative. Having said that, if she is truly in crisis, don't make her go it alone, but don't try to be the sole supporter of that crisis either. Good luck - it's friends like you who help victims get their lives back!
2006-12-21 10:00:19 · answer #3 · answered by J m 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know she is your friend, but I have to say this. She is acting really stupid! I mean, she shouldn't put herself though all this! (or you at that!) Let her know that she could have a MUCH better life with her kids and a new, honester, and nice man in her life. Just tell her that, even if it hurts. If she doesn't listen, say: I have given you every piece of advice I can, now either follow it or quit complaining to me! It is hard, but I have done it before. It will help her in the long run!
2006-12-21 09:53:18 · answer #4 · answered by . 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, she should leave him, but there is nothing you can do to help her make that choice.
What you can do is tell her that you don't want to hear any more about it, as you have been listening to this for 2 years, and you have had enough of hearing about it. Tell her she has to sort this out on her own instead of dumping it all on you all the time, because as her friend there is only so much advice you can give before you realise that she is the master of her own fate.
2006-12-21 09:54:01 · answer #5 · answered by helly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Besides being a good friend, unfortunately, there is little more you can do. Abusive relationships are tricky. It's up the the person that is being abused to get out the relationship. Til she makes that decision just pray for her and her children.
2006-12-21 09:50:47 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Been there....Verbal abuse, I think is worse than physical. Scars heal, but when the husband puts down, talks about the wife and lowers her self esteem, that is more difficult to deal with. It lowers her self esteem and doesn't make her feel good about herself. That is something I couldn't deal with.
I am divorced now, also have kids but he was also a drunk, I think that he should have more respect for her, and it sounds like he don't. She needs to be well for the kids, they need her. Ask her to talk to a counselor.
2006-12-21 09:52:21 · answer #7 · answered by Trese 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its not you place to try to make her make the best decision for her and her children that is who she should be thinking about but if he is that bad and she will not leave have you ever thought that maybe she likes it my husband could not have gotten a large sum of money from work or anywhere else and not have said anything to me not saying that he had to give it to me but as a couple there are some things you just don't keep a secret he does not buy food and they have children that means that he does not even care about there children if he does not care and she does not care i understand that as a person with a heart you care for the kids most but do you wanna stress your self and she is not going to leave him think about it (sounds to me like he has someone else anyway and that's why he does not take care of home hes taking care of someone Else's home ) think about it
2006-12-21 10:05:11 · answer #8 · answered by Lady Jay 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell her u are tired of hearing it, because she chooses to do nothing, maybe when she no longer has anyone to vent to she will wake up and smell the coffee. she may have a low self esteem, with years of mental abuse, she may feel she doesn't deserve anything better, or she may be in denial and think he can change. unfortunately she may have to hit rock bottom before she makes any changes. she may be afraid of the future, she really doesn't see what he is doing to her is harming her, she doesn't love her self enough to get out of it.
2006-12-21 10:07:13 · answer #9 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lot of women out there have to learn the hard way because they only hope for things to get better, unfortunately, things only get worst or never change at all! Sooner or later she'll find the courage to kick him out of her life, but she's going to have to do it on her own. She may even lose friends because of this but she'll realize someday.
2006-12-21 10:10:08 · answer #10 · answered by kz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋