My baby is 4 months old and my other half has admitted he doesn't know if he loves him. i'm finding it hard to understand how he can feel like this. Are there any dads out there who struggled to bond with their babies and maybe give me some advice? - sensible answers please - i'm v unhappy at the moment.
2006-12-21 01:32:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
Hi.
I had *exactly* the same thing with my eldest sone, who's now 2.
I didn't bond at all for about 4-5 months until he became more of a person. I hated myself for it during this time and I can't, looking back, understand why I felt it.
I didn't want to get involved with him, didn't love him, didn't really care whether he was around or not. Sounds awful doesn't it?!?!
What can I say? Something changed. Not quite sure what, I think it was when he was able to engage his/my attention, when I started to get involved with the weaning process, and also when I realised that it was me who had the problem: how can a five month old reason with himself and have a problem with things? Once I forced myself into doing more with him I started to realise that he was just a little boy who wanted his dad....
With me, though, I had been with my wife for 8 years, just us, before our child was born. Perhaps some of my feelings were down to me being pushed out and knowing that my life had changed. My wife made every effort, as I'm sure you have, to involve me in everything. I just had to chose to be involved.
I hope this helps and that it gets better for you...you're not on your own, my wife went through it from your perspective.
2006-12-21 01:45:31 · answer #1 · answered by cheerfulwaster 2 · 7⤊ 0⤋
I never experienced it but I have heard that some partners feel left out and unloved after the birth of a child. That's men for you always wanting the attention!!!!
Try to set some time aside for just you two! You also need to address the fact that it's not the baby's fault that he feels this way. After all I am presuming that you both decided to have this baby. It is a shock when you have your first child and there are a lot of adjustments to be made by both parties. I'm sorry to sound harsh but if it's starting to affect the way you feel maybe some time apart may help you to see things clearly.
2006-12-21 11:01:21 · answer #2 · answered by niccog26 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This happened to my toddler and me when he was born, my ex was smitten with him for the first two weeks then when he went back to work he just lost all interest. He was more interested in going out with his friends then coming home to his son, he was always finding excuses not to hold him and constantly plonking him down in the baby pen because he just couldn't be bothered with him. I couldn't get through to him and couldn't allow my little boy to be neglected by his father any longer. My family kept telling me 'he will be more interested when the baby gets older and they can interact' I thought this was outrageous! What if I decided 'you know what? the baby is too boring right now give him back to me when he is two, then I will be interested' that would be totally unacceptable, but it's ok for the men to pick and choose when they will be interested in their kids, I think this notion is unacceptable as an excuse for men who don't want to take responsibilty because it doesn't suit them. Sadly in the end I ended the relationship and it was only then that he started taking an interest in his son and to this day is a much better dad. Don't get me wrong, I never kept him away from our baby but I guess he just realised what he could lose and started making an effort and they are now inseperable and love each other so much, but me and him never got back together and to be honest I am glad because I couldn't take the chance that he could fall back in to his old ways if I let him come back. I am not suggesting you do the same as me at all because everybody's situation is different, I think your guy is realizing that this is forever now, he is always going to be a dad and has to start taking responsiblity for someone else other then himself and this scares him I don't think it is lack of love just fear holding him back, I think and hope he will come around. Do you remember that panicky feeling you felt a little while after he was born? the 'OH MY GOD I AM A MOTHER! THIS IS IT! HOW AM I EVER GONNA DO THIS FOREVER?' feeling that we all get? maybe his is only just kicking in and it will pass in time, just reassure him you love him and that you think he is going to be a great dad, it didn't work on my ex but I think he just deep down didn't care in the beginning. I am sorry this is happening to you and wish you all the luck in the world.
2006-12-21 09:55:31 · answer #3 · answered by Smoochy Poochy 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
this is not uncommon, so don't worry... your partner has realised what a life changing situation it is to have a child in the house also. The fact is he see the child as a influence that has change your relationship, as a third party is now present. my advice is Spend Quality Time together as a family, and also alone as a couple, make sure you do things with baby together, it can be tempting for the mothering instinct in you to totally take over unconciously, alienating dad.. the big thing is to talk to your partner and reassure him that he will be a great dad also.....
2006-12-21 09:43:20 · answer #4 · answered by Andrew M 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My husband took some extra time. It was hard for him. They do not have the bond that we do with the child. Mainly because we have carried the child and are the primary care giver. Dad will warm up and realize that this is an amazingly loveable part of his life. He will also regret the time he missed. I think another big thing is that a baby changes your life completely. We are on our second one and he really enjoys holding, playing and loving on him this time around. Good Luck!
2006-12-21 09:40:00 · answer #5 · answered by Tina 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I'm sorry to hear that. Does the father spend much alone time with the baby? Maybe try to get him more involved in carring for the baby. As the baby gets older and becomes more active, the father may be more apt to playing with him...they become more fun when they learn to laugh and smile. In a few months, the baby will start to babble, maybe start working on da da. As the baby learns to repeat the sounds, maybe he'll pick up da da and that will encourage your other half. Good luck
(my husband was the same way with our daughter, but when she started laughing and playing more, he seemed to want to spend more time with her)
2006-12-21 09:40:05 · answer #6 · answered by ? 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband is being selfish. Love isnt something that happens, its a choice you make.
He made the choice to love you no matter how incredibly impossibly time consuming and annoying you can be, its the same with the new baby.
Thats his child, his own flesh and blood, and regardless of how he feels or thinks he feels about him, that child NEEDS his fathers love in order to grow and develop, and your family need a functional father in order to survive.
I think you need to call his mother.
Iam serious. Call up his mother, or better yet, call his dad crying and tell him how you husband is acting towards your child.
I promise it will be the biggest most helpful first step you can make.
And then i could give that made a swift kick in the asss for being such a selfish child-like monster.
Not loving the child you created is NOT an option, I dont care what problems he may have. He's the only one who is master of his emotions and can control his feelings, there is no excuse for not deciding to love your own child.
2006-12-21 09:58:36 · answer #7 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I'm sure he loves him. I have heard that some dads don't really start showing it till the baby is more active. He may be scared to hold him. I think he will come around give him a little time. I wish you the best.
2006-12-21 09:44:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Check for these things things:
1.Income how he will feed everyone & keep up with the requirements of the growing family.
2.maybe he is tensed for the future of his first born.
3.sometimes boy or girl can be a issue sometimes.
4.maybe you are not giving him the attention he need.
5.Straight forwardly ask him this will defenitely resolve the problem & let him know about ur feelings in a positive & mature style.
2006-12-21 09:50:34 · answer #9 · answered by Sher Khan 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
don't force it but try to include your partner in taking care of the baby. i know that having breastfed and being the comforter whenever my baby was unhappy it was like ....back to mummy! my partner has only really gotten into being a father because i had to go back to work so he was at home....but even still he has to have me around to get in the bath with him and just little things he still doesn't seem interested in doing for him. but then he does love Bradley loads.
i know that because of the instant bond that a mother has with a baby you will find this hard but encourage him to cuddle the baby, play and find fun with him and hopefully gradually he will get used to having your baby around
2006-12-21 10:24:28 · answer #10 · answered by Kirsty 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋